New Favorite Scripture

This past year I have felt the hand of the Lord in my life in so many instances. I have felt the intense love he has for me and others. While reading my scriptures a while back I read a scripture many Mormons have heard, but this time it stood out to me in a way I had not seen before.

In first Nephi chapter three Lehi asks Nephi and his brothers to return to Jerusalem for a history of their family and scripture. Nephi responds: "I will go and do the the things the Lord has commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish that thing which he commandeth them."

I have thought about that. Do I believe that God truly loves me? Do I believe that he has my best interest at heart? If the answer is yes, than certainly I believe that when he asks something of me it is because he believes in me enough that I can accomplish it. Through this thought process I am learning something. Like Nephi, God does not expect me to do it all on my own. He places angels in my life to help when I feel I can't go further. Sometimes He whispers words of comfort to me when I feel I am on my own. At times he allows me to try things me way. And When I feel I have failed he points me in the right direction. There are many times when he has asked me to take several steps in the dark, however in those times I have felt him take my hand, or catch me when I stumbled. He has always been there for me.

I love the scripture I have shared above, it reminds me of all of this. It reminds me of his love and care, not for me only but for others as well. Heavenly Father truly loves each of us. His patience is incomparable to any one elses. I feel so incredibly blessed.

Tender Mercies

My husband asked me if I believe in tender mercies this morning. I told him I do. He than shared a small experience that happened recently to our daughter through him. The other day was book exchange day before Christmas break and she could not find a book. She asked us too late at night to go get a book for her. The next morning he though he would check a couple of stores after dropping our son off at seminary. My husband had planned to go to the store furthest and then the one close to home if necessary.

As he pulled out of the church parking lot he had the impression he should go to the closer store first. He did as he felt and found nothing, so he went to the store further away. Again he found nothing. My husband decided at this point it was useless and my daughter would have to miss out. As he headed home he store past another store he had not thought of and decided "what the heck". Well it turns out the had just what we were looking for and my daughter was able to be apart of the book exchange.

He told me he felt like it was a tender mercy because had he gone to the second store first he would not have passed the last store and would have just thought that was that. While this may seem small, it was a tender mercy. I wonder how many of these happen each day and I fail to notice. I am going to try to take note.

Christmas

I believe this is the first year I am ready for Christmas and not biting at the bit in a really long time! When I was single I would buy through the year and be ready months in advance. My husband loves to wait until the last ultimate minute, because something might go on sale at an ultra good deal, and it would absolutely stink to get a minor good deal, or no deal at all. In years past we have missed some of those deals due to my impatience. Or we have had to change coarse of action due to lack of availability at the last minute.

This year my hubby and I were on the same page and finished our shopping weeks in advance. Don't get me wrong, there are the odds and ends we are getting together, but all are minor and if missed no one will miss out or notice. It is nice that even teachers gifts and things for friends have been kept simple this year and are ready. It has felt like a carefree year this year, I am basking in it!

Now for the details. Children arriving. Arranging the schedule to get every moment together that counts before others part for in-laws. This year I am feeling a peace I haven't felt for quite some time. I am looking forward to this coming week almost as much as the little kids!

I love Christmas. I love the Savior and what He has done for me. Through Him I have felt at peace as a child in many instances. I feel truly blessed, and my heart is bursting with gratitude. What a lucky girl I am.

Thoughts on Being a Step-Parent

A friend of me is doing an assignment for class about step parenting and asked me a couple questions: 

-Ask the parent to describe the pros and cons of step parenting.  
-If the parent had to do it again, what, if anything, would they change?  
-What advice would they give to couples that were just starting?

Here was my response just in case you were wondering:

• When I first married my husband I took a lot of things personal. I had pictured I was going to be this perfect step-mother. The first year was hard...for everyone. I brought with me new rules, and the kids were excited to have me there until I was actually there. I felt like I couldn't do anything. I was accused of trying to erase memories of their mother and when it came to creating traditions it was hard. They had theirs already established, and the older kids wanted nothing to do with mine, nor did they want me to be a part of theirs.
• Pros Children are already raised, I didn't have to give birth to them.

  Cons Children are already raised, and I didn't give birth to them.

  I remember I was going to write a book about how being a step-parent didn't have to always be awful, how it depended on attitude and stuff. My cousin who is a writer came over one day and I asked her to read what I had written. I thought she would tell me how unique I am or something of the sort, but as she read the things I struggled with she turned to me and said: "This isn't anything a biological mother wouldn't write. You are having the same struggles I am having with my teenager."

  Now I know my situation is unique in many ways, but I am realizing she is right. I feel like Heavenly Father has been teaching me not to take everything so personal.

  With the three younger children I feel like we have developed a respect for each other. I love them like my own. The two older children have made it a little more difficult to feel that way about, I love them, but am a bit reserved. The difference there I believe is that I have lived with the younger children, where I haven't with the older ones. We see each other on Holidays. They need someone to take out their anger and hurt and I happen to be the lucky winner. However I think that would be the case had it been anyone else.

  I don't know that I would change much. I have been far from perfect in being a step mother. But I have grown a ton from it. Some of that growth has been extremely painful and I would not wish it on any one even my worst enemy, but I look at others trials and wouldn't trade either.

  The advise I would offer? If you don't believe in a God you might want to start. I have turned to Him more times than I can count. Pray for the children who are being placed in your care. Don't take things personal even if they are intended to be personal. If you hang in there and continue to love them they will one day thank you for being a part of their lives. Don't judge the children's behaviors, your are being judged as well, the good thing is God knows our hearts, better than you will ever know theirs and vice versa.

  For the couple love each other unconditionally. There will be many times you don't agree with each other. Keep communication open with your spouse, trust your spouse. Trust your children. Trust instincts. and when you feel like walking away don't. The first year I spent a lot of time in my room. I went from single, to mom of 5. I remember begging my husband to let me go home to my parents and letting him and the kids have their own Christmas. He never said no, but he did tell me I might regret it if I did. I am glad I didn't.

  We have been married for 8 1/2 years. While that is not 50 by any stretch of the imagination, I intend on it being close to that as does my husband. I have seen the children grow a ton. They say the same of me. I say hang in there when times are rough. Rely on prayer, because God knows you and those children individually better than any one else. He will help you out, or send people your way who will be wise and have wise advise. There will be others as well.
• There you go.

Peace

The past couple of weeks I have noticed that I have felt more peace than I have felt in a long time. It is priceless. 

So thankful for an older brother who loved me so much He suffered for me and died for me. 

Blessings

I was thinking back the other day about when I was single. When I was in Young Women's I had made a list of qualities I wanted my future husband to possess. On that list there were things like : Has to play the piano and compose music, has to enjoy camping and hiking, enjoy sports, love to sing, etc. As I aged and experienced life I added things like: Must be patient, love children, honor his Priesthood responsibilities, desire to have Family Home Evening, family prayer and family scripture study. The last thing I had added to my list was that He must never have been Married.

The "never been married" part was added after dating and being engaged to someone who had been. Interesting experience, I learned a lot and I will spare you the details. In short I decided that route was not for me.

A couple of years later a good friend of mine passed away due to a tragic accident. She had always talked of Jersey as if it was home so I assumed that to be the case. When I heard of her death I found she was going to be buried in Peterson Utah of all places. Since I was in the area I decided to attend her grave side services to pay my last respects to her and her family.

When I arrived to the specified cemetery no one else was there, and I thought maybe I had come to the wrong place. After waiting nearly a half hour her husband and children had shown up. As her husband got out of the car and helped his children get out this overwhelming feeling of being attracted to him came over me. (Kind of like what I imagine Nephite women feeling towards Captain Moroni or Mormon, or Alma.) I found myself thinking I was childish, and it took me two weeks to convince myself that wasn't going to happen. Two simple reasons, first this was my friends husband, he had children not a whole lot younger than myself, and Second, the obvious, he had been married. Hello.

About six months later my parents received a Christmas letter from my friends husband. at the end he had written a little message to me inviting me to attend a season of General conference with him in the upcoming month. At the burial service he and his daughters had talked about putting together a remembrance book for the youngest boy so he could have memories of his mother. I thought maybe he had wanted to get together so I could give him some of my memories. Deep down I had felt that I knew there might be more to it, but I fought it. I told him I would love to and we continued to correspond through the remainder month.

To spare you a lot of details, and reading I will tell you that Heavenly Father let me know that my friends husband was a good match for me. He was my perfect match. He is my calm in storms, he gives me advise I respect, his perspective is off my charts, so it is refreshing and often helps me through things I think are impossible. He loves me with my flaws and weaknesses, and I him with his. I could not have picked anyone better for myself.

So why am I sharing this? Because my husband is not what I imagined to be perfect for myself. He doesn't compose music for me or enjoy camping, and he had been married.Putting that aside, he will sing me songs we love, he loves being a father, a husband, he honors his priesthood, he keeps the covenants he has made with me and God. He cherishes me and treats me like his queen. He is everything I need, and wanted that is important, really important.

Those of you out there looking for your "perfect man" try being his perfect woman, and put your trust in the Lord, He knows you, and loves you like a perfect Father. He will lead you to the "perfect man". He may not have all of the qualities on a list made long ago, or compiled of all of the good traits you saw in others, but he will compliment your weaknesses and strengths. Together you will grow and become one.

Blessings of 2013

I want to share with you some of my greatest blessings this year:

1.     I am married to my best friend.

2.     I have amazing kids that span a couple decades at least :). not everyone can say that.

3.     I have been blessed with some pretty amazing friends.

4.     Heavenly Father reminds me when I least expect it, that He loves me.

5.     Despite my flaws and weaknesses I have a husband, and Father who love me and support me when I           fall.

6.     Our Second son married his best friend. She is a great addition to the clan.

7.     I have been able to find peace in some areas of my life where I though I would never find it.

8.     We have been blessed to have some wonderful missionaries in our ward this year. Elders and Sisters. 

9.     Heavenly Father has placed some very wise individuals in my life.

10.   I am blessed to teach some pretty amazing kids at church. They cease to amaze me with the testimonies         they have. 

11.   Heavenly Father has helped me see that my perception is very limited. While this has been humbling I             am learning so many great lessons. One is that I am not his only favorite child.*grin*.

12.   The Gospel. I can't even begin to share how this has been a blessing. I will say that it saves me                       regularly.

13.   Trials. In the beginning of the year I was not happy with this, but I have grown some and learned more. 

14.   I am enjoying having our oldest son and his wife living close by. It is fun having them come by here and         then and adding to the chaos here*grin*. I am going to miss them next year when his internship is over.

Meditation

This past weekend our stake had a meeting for Primary workers. All of the meetings went well, but the last one put my mind to work. The Stake representative who was speaking was putting an emphasis on the importance of loving the children we serve without condition. While making this he remarked on how children love unconditionally and how somewhere along the way we begin to put conditions on it as we grow.

When I first heard this I denied being one of those adults. However as I thought more about it I realized he was correct. (I do try to love the children I teach unconditionally. But as I began thinking about what he had said I began to realize there is more to it than just the primary children we teach.) I think I love my children unconditionally, and my family. Reaching beyond those bonds though I realized however that I have reservations with some individuals due to past experiences. Because of those experiences I have difficulty loving them the way I understand the scriptures to teach.

At times as I look back to when I was younger I ache for the innocents of my youth. Forgiveness was easier for me back then. Also it was easier for me to not recognize some flaws that others had. I don't consider it a curse in seeing others flaws. I feel it is a blessing, because then I am more patient with them at times. In looking back though I feel like there is some sort of innocents lost, and not necessarily because of the doing of anyone in particular. I can think of particular instances where I have gained mistrust, but it seems with time I don't always give others a chance. Sometimes I find I have misread them. When that happens I am always glad. But there are times I find I have read them all too clearly. When that is the case it seems to further embed my trust issues, and I find it being an excuse to become more reserved and careful about who I let in close to me.

In and through this I am finding a couple of truths. I can't please everyone, and everyone has their own take on life. These truths are good. I wish in learning this that I could some how regain the innocents I had when I was younger. I wish that despite some of life's teachings I could still love unconditionally. I feel though at times it is impossible to love with out condition. I believe God wants us to love Him. In loving Him, He wants us to rely and trust in Him. As we do this, I believe He helps us see more clearly, not to get us down, rather so we can recognize our brothers and sister who can lift us, and whom we can lift at other times.

I think there are people who cross our paths who could truly and honestly care less about us. When we recognize this and turn to our Father in Heaven He can direct our paths and we can know with out a doubt that we are being lead to eternal happiness. This does not mean we aren't going to experience pain, hurt and anger due to the choices others make. It does mean that we can learn from those experiences and when the time is right we can forgive. Even if the individuals never ask for your forgiveness. (I love the patience I have felt towards me in this arena. Heavenly Father knows me better than I even know myself sometimes. I am grateful.)

Heavenly Father loves conditionally. However we are the ones who put the conditions and stipulations in place. He is willing to forgive us as many times as we sincerely repent. It is our choosing to turn our back on him and walking away that makes the conditions. He has told us that no unclean thing can enter his presents. There aren't exceptions, there can't be. However, He loves us so much He sent a perfect Son, even Jesus, who suffered for us. If we turn to him and put our trust in him we can be cleansed vessels. Both Heavenly Father and Christ have done their parts, now we must do ours. If we chose not to, then we are the ones making the condition.

The Mouths of Babe's

Taking my kids to school the other morning while it was misting outside, my 2 year old observingly said: "Mom its soggy out side."

Past, Present, Future

Well, our second son married his best friend last weekend! Their sealing was beautiful, he listened to every word the Sealer said while the bride looked at him in adoration! They are a sweet and happy young couple. Their reception was a blast! And it was beautiful almost like out of a fairy tale.

In watching the older children grow up it seems to be becoming more and more of a reality that my young ones will grow up too! I wish I could embrace them forever in their innocents, however I enjoy watching them grow up and experience the world.

The oldest boy married his perfect match. She allows him to be himself and loves him perfectly. You can observe him reflect that love to her as well.

Our high schooler was only seven when I married my best friend. He is now in high school, he is keeping good grades, participates in choir and is a confident young man.

My little princess is growing up, becoming a book worm and loves school like her brothers. My little man is in kindergarten, he is making friends, loves his teacher and seems to be growing like a weed. Our little guy is beginning to talk more and more. His vocabulary has grown in leaps and bounds! Mostly I love it when he says something like "I sleepy no mom."

While reading a nieces blog recently it became apparent how fast children really do grow up. She posted a picture of her boys and how they looked "yesterday". I remember those boys. This summer we joined them for a family reunion, and they are now handsome, young men.

Looking through my children's photo albums (the older ones and younger ones) I wonder where the time has gone? None of them are old enough to be married, in high school, or grade school. And I realize how blessed I am to be able to stay home with them. I imagine it is even faster for those mother's who work outside the home whether by choice or not. I try to kiss the little ones goodnight each night, and express my love to the bigger ones each chance I am given, because I know one day they will have someone else to kiss them goodnight and give them squeezes. I am not quite sure where that will leave me, but for now I will do my best to enjoy these moments.

It kind of leaves me with a longing.

Just for Fun!

I just had to share this. The dancer has amazing talent, and I loved watching it!

As I stated in a recent post I am working on being more of a studier of the word again. With studying my scriptures more I am also trying to take time to have a more sincere conversation with the lord in my prayers. In looking back it seems like the past couple of years I have really strayed from what I once clung to.

In studying more and "reading" less I am finding nuggets in my study that I am beginning to cherish and find to be precious, that I have not noticed in the past. I am seeing again with an eternal perspective. It is wonderful to look behind me and see that Heavenly Father is always there, even when I feel like I have abandoned Him. (Or feel abandoned myself}

Through my studies lately I am coming to understand that Heavenly Father is truly a loving Father. H Like any loving father, He whole heartidly wants my happiness. Not only does he want my happiness, but He wants me to experience joy and feel the peace that only He can give. This past week I have been basking in His love.

Several months ago I had asked for a blessing in hopes that He would tell me He would remove my burdens that I felt were too heavy to bear. Instead I was told(I am now seeing in a loving 'voice'} that "He would not remove my trials." I know more was said, but after those words I heard little else. I felt He had turned His back on me. In hearing this I felt rejected, like I had really blown it with Him, and well, too bad. I held onto hurt and anger like they were my only friends. They drained me of more than I felt I had to give, but I felt like it was meant to be.

Then, one Sunday my Bishop was left with time to spare at the end of the meeting. Our ward has had some real struggles for a while. I had thought I had avoided some of them well with grace, but that meeting helped me realize that I had not avoided them as I thought, but may have contributed to it as well. Here the whole time I had whole heartidly thought I had been the victim. But as I thought about the instruction of our Bishop I realized that though I may have been a victim, I was choosing to remain the victim instead of choosing to be the Mary, Esther, Ruth, Martha of my own story. It was painfully humbling.

As I took the steps suggested by my Bishop to get above the line and be responsible I started trying to pray. I have felt some changes in my heart begin to take place through the process. I have confronted people and found that I had taken offense where it not only wasn't intended, but I had understood situations completely out of context. In doing so I have lost some friends, but also realized that I have some friends I thought I had never really had. I have felt the power of the atonement in ways I thought were impossible and didn't know existed. I have been offered forgiveness where at first I believe it should have been asked of me. That alone has been incredibly humbling in coming to terms with feeling, worthy to receive it when it was so readily offered to me.

In experiencing this and with the hind sight that is almost always 2O/2O, I understand why Heavenly Father couldn't remove my experience from me. I have felt His love and patience through the whole thing. It isn't just this experience, but a compilation of several over time that He is teaching me with. Don't get me wrong, I am far from perfection, and know there are many more lessons in store for me. However I find comfort in beginning to understand how much He really does love me.

Reading In Jacob chapter 5 in the Book of Mormon this past week I have been taught of the patience the Lord has for His children. He knows we are going to make mistakes and stumble. He loves us so much. So much in fact that He has had a plan from the very beginning in which He allowed His beloved son to die for us. I have an older brother who loves me so much that He gave His life for me, and He would do it again if it was required. Because they love me, they are patient with me. They know my potential, and they know I will meat it when I take the time to ask, turn, knock, and listen for their response. To say I feel incredibly blessed may be a bit of an understatement, but I don't have other words to express what I have felt lately so it will suffice.

Sign Language Kisses

My five year old leaned into me yesterday and gave me a hug. Then he gave me a side-ways kiss, you know the kind you give when you have a cold sore.

He then turned to me and asked "Do you know what that was mom?"

"What" I asked,

to which he replied matter of factually"It was a sign language kiss."

Enlightment

In reading my scriptures this morning I found a precious gem. The past year or so I have struggled with wanting to read. I have felt like that is all I do. In my reading I was just doing it to get it marked off the list, so I could have the blessings. I was only reading, not studying, pondering, or praying about it. As of recently I have been invited on two separate occasions to start reading again.it has been a rocky start, but I am getting more out of my studies.

Last night I read a verse and felt like it was profound, however I was tired and decided to try again this morning. I have been reading the Isiah chapters...struggling through them to be more precise. So imagine how excited I was when Nephi began to instruct again, plainly. In chapter 32:9 is where I found some instruction I have been needing lately:

9 But behold, I say unto you that ye must ^apray always, 

and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord 

save in the first place ye shall ^bpray unto the Father in the ^cname of Christ, 

that he will ^dconsecrate thy performance unto thee, 

that thy performance may be for the ^ewelfare of thy soul.

Along with struggling to read my scriptures I have been praying but not with real intent. This scripture was profound to me because prayer really effects all aspects of my life. If I want to be a good mother I need Him for direction. He knows my children better than I do. If I want to do well in my calling, I need His help, He know the children I am teaching better than I do. If I want to be a good neighbor, step mother, wife...ME, then I need His help, He knows better than anyone how to help me reach my highest potential.

Someday I would like to return to my Father and have Him tell me He is pleased with the offering of my life I have offered. At the moment I have done little. I have let pride, maybe some enmity and lack of faith get in my way. This scripture is what I needed today.

One of Life's Lessons Review

I was out visiting family this past weekend. My cousin is leaving for her mission This week! I am so excited for new adventure she is a bout to embark on. The weekend was great! I was able to catch up with family I have not seen for years! One as long as 12 years I believe.

Many of them asked me how I am doing. The question is a loaded one coming from them. Several of them thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life,  in marrying someone 18 years my senior with five children. They forget that I am only continuing a family tradition, as both of my grandmothers, maternal and paternal, married men 18 years their seniors as well. I chuckle.

When asked how I was doing I told them life is treating me pretty well, and I have nothing to complain about. Then I thought I would share with them the lesson I am learning. As a disclaimer from the get go I am still learning this lesson over time. In all honesty I can say I am just scratching the surface. It seems to be an "onion lesson". I am learning line upon line, moment upon moment, here a little there a bit more, layer upon stinky layer.

I feel I have been being taught about the atonement and forgiveness. I have expressed this in past posts, but I will share where I stand at this moment. Several years ago I had three individuals I felt were causing me more pain than I could bare or felt was fare to bare all at once. One held things against me I had never intended to be offensive and threw it at me with all the anger and hate they could muster. Another was plain venomous in their dealings. Until it affected my children I dealt with it the best I could, but when the children were involved it became more than just a discomfort. The third individual was more of a manipulator. Don't get me wrong I felt as if they were all liars and manipulators, but with the third I felt I had to continuously watching my back only to find they were coming from an angle entirely off the charts, making it difficult to feel like I was pulling my weight in the situation and circumstances.

Let me say I was not entirely a victim, as they each in their own way made a point to let me know all of the flaws I contributed. It was painful. When it was all taking place I questioned many things about myself and my intentions. In doing so I have learned to feel God's love for me and those involved. [I will admit I struggled with that at times].

One day in particular I told my husband that I would rather be in hell than with these individuals for eternity. I honestly felt it. I felt at least in hell I knew Satan could only throw hail and brimstone at me. The physical pain would be more bearable than what I felt I was dealing with at the time. After expressing this to my husband he said: "That is the most selfish thing I have ever heard you say." In hearing that I felt he had slapped me. But I also felt what I had said whole heartily.

After thinking about what he had said I decided to discuss my feelings with a Higher power. So I knelt and poured my heart out to the Lord. He listened. He knows my heart better than anyone. He knows me. After listening to me He spoke to me and this is what He said: "Dear child. You have a husband who knows your flaws and weaknesses and loves you despite those flaws and weaknesses. I love you despite your flaws and weaknesses. Individual 'A' has this person who knows their flaws and weaknesses and loves them despite their flaws and weaknesses. I love them despite their flaws and weaknesses.  Individual 'B' has this person who knows their flaws and weaknesses and loves them despite their flaws and weaknesses. I love them despite their flaws and weaknesses. Individual 'C' has this person who knows their flaws and weaknesses, and loves them despite their flaws and weaknesses. I love them despite their flaws and weaknesses. Now look at the four of you. Who do you have in common? Me. Who can change each of you. Me. Your responsibility is to take care of the children in your immediate care and be a wife. These other individuals are not your responsibility. They are mine."

And that is where it was left for a moment in time. He has continued to teach me. I am learning that forgiveness isn't always for the other individual. There are those out there that could care less for your forgiveness. However, as we learn to forgive others we are taking "rocks" out of our spiritual back packs. We are allowing the Savior to help lighten our loads. We can find the peace that is talked of in the scriptures and promised to those who follow Him. Wow! Amazing huh?

Another layer to this lesson is this: Everyone has a different idea of what perfection is. We simply can not please everyone. However, God knows the "perfect" perfection. If we turn to Him for direction, trusting that He really does love us and want what is best for us, He can help us reach our perfect perfection. Say we are the letter "O", he does not expect us to turn into a "U" to make a certain sound. He has created each "letter" with purpose. When we let him work in our lives we find that each letter has a specific purpose, we were not intended to be what others may envision for us, but what He has intended for us all along. Each of us has a purpose and a place in his plan. He is the poet. And though we may experience pain in being molded that pain will help us realize our potential when we allow it.

So I have shared some of my learning's. There are many things I am still becoming to understand about this. But through my experiences I am finding peace. I am losing so much of the hurt and anger I have been feeling the past little bit. I am so blessed to have a Father and Older Brother who love me as I am and are patient with my stubborn, often times prideful self. I have said it before,"I am one blessed girl."

Scooby-Doo

Well, our little guy is beginning to use more words, this one tickles our insides so I thought I would share. Enjoy.

Parenting

When you decide to be a parent, it is a huge decision. Until you are living it though you can't begin to understand how big it really is. There are those moments when you feel like you have bit off a whole lot more than you can chew and find yourself chocking.

With my younger children things for the most part are easy. I have the fears of an average parent. Am I spending enough time with them? Do they know I love them? Then there are the things where I hope they can talk to me about anything, any questions, concerns, fears, joys, accomplishments, failures....For the most part I believe they do.

With the older children things are a bit more complicated. I always want to help, and the worries seem bigger. It seems at times they think I am meddling in things that are no longer my business{Frankly, that is more likely the case than I would like to admit.} They are practicing their agency on a bigger plane. While it is exciting and I want everything to be perfect for them I have a hard time stepping back and watching. Don't think I don't trust God in taking over, I do, however I have a real hard time having faith in knowing He knows better than even I do what will be best for these children.I know that sounds prideful as I type it...*I shake my head at myself*

It is funny. You would think because I am not their biological mother I wouldn't have these feelings. You would think with the gospel in my life I would have more faith. Where is it? Why do I find myself trying to help when my help has not been requested? Why can I not trust that these children are putting their trust in the Lord as I should be?

So I had to put this out there to remind myself that I need to back off and let God take the wheel.

From Bug Bites to...

This summer has been a crazy one! It has presented those of us out here  in the mid west with tons of ticks and chiggers.  On a personal level we have been experiencing plenty of their wrath. We have bombed our house and sprayed the back yard to try and find some relief.

However with those precaution's taken the last couple of days we have notices some bites especially bad on our two little guys. They have been playing out side a lot, and we don't always remember to spray them down. In observing these bites we thought there was a new viscous creature in our yard. After two nights of little sleep I decided to take the guys in to see if we had something we may not have been thinking of.

It turns out the boys have a rare strain of chicken pox. Yup. So we are canceling going to a family reunion and a dinner party we were planning with some friends. We are hunkering down for the next week to enjoy another one of life's little adventures. Boy, some adventures are more enjoyed than others. Tally-ho!

Things are not Always as They Appear

A little while ago I had an experience where I had felt some betrayal, I felt like my world out side caved in in a sense.

After the instance, up until recently I have felt a range of emotions. All of which were intense and draining. I asked for relief in my prayers and have been finding it. As I have found that relief I have asked others I felt may have answers and found that my perception of things truly is not only one sided, but also a pin point in the full picture.

There were things going on in my life that others were unaware of in that moment. However, because of other things I have shared with many throughout time, when they had presented me with what they thought might be a window of help, I had taken it to a level far beyond and where I could have felt gratitude and thanksgiving I found my self feeling betrayed and anger. I have held onto this for several months, where if I had known how to approach things earlier I could have found relief from the feelings I have been experiencing the past little while.

The relief the Savior offers is amazing. When I communicate instead of shutting myself down there is a relief comparable to that found through the Savior.

Humility is painful.

Welcome...

Tonight my husband had the missionaries over for dinner. As dinner came to as close, the Elders were leaving their message when our youngest decided to put a fresh turd on the table. The elders decided to take that as their cue that it was time to leaver and promptly did so. My hubby called me and told me to hurry home, home is less chaotic when I am home.

I can only imagine what those letters are going to look like going home this next week....or their reporting home. I hope they have better things to share with their families. *sigh*

You Know you are Getting old When...

The other day I was cleaning out an old box from when I was a girl. My daughter was kneeling beside me and asking what some of the things were or what the story was behind it. As I neared the bottom I found a project I had done in young womens or as a single. My daughter admired my work and then asked: "Did you get the idea from Pinterest or Facebook?"

While chatting with a friend the other day She asked me a question that struck a cord with me. She asked me if I have ever wondered about what I could be contributing more somewhere else other than being in the home with my children.

Up until about a year ago I was struggling with this very thing. When I was single I was able to do so many things. While in college I would give 44 hours for school, then work 20-30 hours. To top that off I had church responsibilities to full fill and friends to spend time with, along projects to work on. I felt like I was constantly on the go.

When I married and even after having my first child, things didn't seem to change all that much. With the older children all in school, or away, I could clean the house, go to the gym, work on projects, take care of the baby and juggle other miscellaneous things as well. I even had time to drop in on friends and visit. Still, when the second child came I was able to do many things I wanted to.

However, baby number three (for me, but child eight over all) seemed to come as a curve ball to me. I wasn't sure what hit me when he arrived, and it has taken me some time to get where I feel like I might be becoming human again. For a period of time I often thought of all of the things I could be doing and contributing to society if I wasn't "tied down".

Through some personal trials the past couple of years I have come to understand what a blessing it is that I can be home with my children. Not only can I be home with them but I am able to be a part of their growing up. I am able to watch them grow and experience life, and I can be there when they scrape their knees.

While I watch the youngest of the older ones and seeing how quickly he has grown and sometimes feeling like I have missed out on much of his growing while caring for wee ones. It has helped me realize how quickly time does go by.

The other day I was looking at our wedding pictures. The youngest boy was seven when My hubby and I married. At seven years old he was so little and precious. It seems like it was only last year, and yet, he is now wanting his drivers permit, he is getting summer jobs and he is growing faster than I would like. In seeing this I have come to the realization that the younger three are going to be gone before I know it and I need to cherish these moments now along with the time I can spend with them. One day they are going to be off cherishing their own little ones and I will be on the side lines instead of front stage with them.

So, yes. There are times I have thought and wondered on whether I could contribute more else where. But to be honest, my children are my world. In this season of my life I am glad to be giving them of my time and talents. I may not receive the recognition of magazines, new papers, or a Nobel Prize. However the recognition those could give can not even begin to replace the late night talks I have had with the older children, the hugs of the little children nor can it replace the relationship I have with my children. Oh, how I love staying home with my children and watching them grow. Each stage is a treasured gift.

Those Precious Moments

One of the things I enjoy most about this season of life are the little things.

My little lady is growing up quite fast. The blue gray of her eyes sparkle when she smiles, or when she is thinking of mischief. She has a wild mane of hair, and it is full of beautiful curls. She is amazing with color and art. Her creativity astounds me. The example she sets for me is in how she cherishes everything that crosses her path. Flowers, rocks, butterflies, crayons, markers, straws, Popsicle sticks, these are just a few of the things that tickle her fancy. When flowers are blooming in the yard you can bet I am going to find a jar or two of them placed on my table of cupboards to brighten up my kitchen.

My little man is growing up. He has a love for stretching his legs. he will race anyone who is willing to race him, as far as they are willing to go. That smile of his just warms my heart, It gets me just about every time. Oh, and he has this crooked little grin it brightens my day each time I see it. While he can be as stubborn as an ox at times, he has a tender heart and is sensitive to all  those who cross his path. He loves to help others and help them feel accepted. I love when I am watching a show with my little man and he cuddles up next to me.

My little guy I love it when he climbs up on my lap and lets me rock him. Or when he puts his little arms around my neck and gives me a warm hug. Oh, I love those hugs! I love the little kisses he gives me on the cheek after I have given him one. My hubby says our little guy is good at anticipating what others need. He is. When you need a little bit(or a lot) of help he loves to be at your side trying to assist and make things a little lighter. It is funny, because when you look at him he looks like a Dennis the menace type. Actually if  you had a few moments to observe him, he acts like him too. But his heart is sweet as gold.

One last thing I enjoy are those moments when my children are playing together, everyone is getting along and enjoying the attributes the other brings to the table. When that happens I get a small glimpse of heaven on earth. A small glimpse that warms the heart, Then I remind myself of what a blessed mother I really am.

The Mouths of Babes

Here are some of the funnies I have heard lately:

As we drove through a mountainous area the other day my 5 year old says: "Mom! Look, a turtle on top of a turtle, on top of a turtle!!!" As he pointed to one of the mountains. (I used to think they were sleeping dinosaurs)

Our two year old is a little slower in the speech department than his two older siblings were. The other day I was trying to get him to say "Grandpa" He said no a couple of times and then responded: "Mom, i har"

If you ask our two year old where something is you are in need of he just may reply sing-songy: "I no no."

Our two year old has recently discovered the question "Why?" While it sounds very cute the way he says it, it is becoming a bit annoying to have to explain little things like why we sit while we eat, why we don't spit at other people or why we don't hit others with objects (like baseball bats, golf clubs, or simply our hands) over and over again.

Birthday....

I had a great birthday this year! For some reason I have struggled to enjoy my birthday the past couple (my husband might say "several") of years. Don't get me wrong, my husband and children have gone above and beyond to make it memorable. It is all me.

If they do too much I am upset, if they ignore it I am hurt, it has kind of been the dreaded time of year for me and the family. I am not sure why I have such a hard time with it. My family might all agree though that I have been a stinker to say the least.

This year I asked my husband for a veggie tray(I know, pathetic.) with two birthdays within less than a week of mine I am burned out on the thought of any more sugar by time mine rolls around(this has been the cause of some of my past frustrations.) My husband couldn't bare the thought of getting me a veggie tray, he refused the idea. I understand it, I mean who wants to go to work and brag to his colleagues that he bought a veggie tray for his wife (that may insinuate he thinks I am fat or something.) So I went to bed a bit...aggravated.

On my birthday I made plans to hang out with one of my friends. We scrapped and just had a nice time visiting. That evening I returned home to a clean front room, dinning room, kitchen and family room. To top it off my hubby had a bouquet of flowers and a fun card. He and the children threw me a party instead of cake we had a pinata...which when busted open turned out to be stuffed full of VEGETABLES!!!! It was brilliant! We went in and had several gifts which included Epsom salt with Eucalyptus oil, pens for writing in my journal, an ice cream scoop, and a red hat (to make me look beautiful).

As you can see, it was a great day indeed.

Oh! For a cherry on the top my hubby made a delish dinner Italian dinner.  

Here is Something to Lift Spirits

Enjoy!

Overview of the past Couple of Weeks...

Well, its been a bit crazy around here. We have had 13 people under our roof for any given time the past month and a half. In handling it my gracefulness has become less than desirable. There have been plenty of good moments though. Our oldest boy and his wife have been able to find jobs. Her brother too has found a job. Our daughter-in-laws cousin has been trying hard, but is now trying to decide whether it would be better to go else where to find work.

We had a piano recital last week which ended in a vomitous mess, not due to nerves like one would guess, rather due to over heating. Everyone survived. But we went from 70 something to 100 degrees over night and while we tried to be prepared...we weren't.

My parents have been in and out of our place for the last couple of weeks. My mom has been great at helping in relieving some of the stress by helping do loads of dishes for me. I am a lucky girl. It has also been fun having her and Dad around to chat with when Either of us have a moment.

The older kids have been more than willing to help with the younger children which has also been a great blessing.

One of my neighbors "kidnapped" me last week to help keep my sanity. We went out for shakes and a pop. It was nice to visit with out the interruption of my precious little children. Nore having to look around and see my home in chaos.

School will be out mid week, until then I have a talent show to attend and children to move out. I thought things would slow down when school gets out but I realized there will be more dishes and activities to come up with. They say there is no rest for the wicked. I have a long ways to go apparently. *Sigh*

Those Little Tender Mercies...

I have had a couple of tender mercies I would like to share today.

First, my little man had warn the same pair of socks for over a week (They were Spider man can you blame the kid?). When I tried to find them for washing he would have hid them. I was getting desperate, to find him all I had to do is put my sniffer on and he wouldn't be too far away. Then, the other day as I strolled through Target and was looking at their dollar section I found several pairs of Spider man socks! Oh yeah! And my son now lets me wash his socks...so instead of my sniffer I have to actually look for the kid. *grin*

Okay, the other tender mercy happened yesterday. By the end of the day I felt like I just needed a couple moments too myself. With 13 peeps hanging around my house you can imagine. Out of no where one of the older boys volunteered to take my little shadow with him and his girl to play at the park. I love my little shadow, and I am trying to soak up every moment I can with him because I know he is only going to get bigger. However I have to say at that moment it was just what I needed.

One last one. Today I took my daughter to school. Because I have been unable to make it to the gym (because of sick kiddos) I decided this morning would be perfect for walking my little man to school. The weather was cloudy but warm, perfect for a walk. The walk was beautiful. Fast forward to this afternoon. It was time for me to pick kids up from school and I could not find my keys anywhere.  Finally out of desperation (I have been feeling that a lot lately) I called one friend and asked her to pick up my little lady. I said a quick prayer to find my keys, then called a second friend to see if she would be able to help with our young man. While on the phone with her I decided to go look out in the van one more time. Instead of looking in the ignition I looked down between the seats...there they were! My friend still picked up my little lady, but I was able to pick up our young man, and also some friends to come play.

I love tender mercies!

Reflections

I have been frustrated lately. Its obvious I know. So I have decided to make a list of things I am grateful for. Mainly as a reminder of all of the great blessings I have in my life.
       
1.     I am married to and sealed to my best friend.
2.     I have a big brother that loves me so much He gave his life for me.
3.     I have been blessed to have wonderful children placed in my stewardship.
4.     I am thankful for the scriptures and know they bring us closer to God and Christ.
5.     I live in a day age where Christ's church has been fully restored upon the earth. I can receive all of His promised blessings.
6.     I have been blessed with many talents.
7.     I have blessed with a handful of amazing friends.
8.     I am blessed to be surrounded by people who know me.
9.     I am blessed to have older children who don't mind helping me with the younger children.
10.   I love spring time. I love to see flowers blooming.
11.   Speaking of flowers, I love tulips and daisies...and forget me nots.
12.   I love that I am able to say home and raise my children, and I can watch them grow. 
13.   I love listening to and reading the words of our living prophet.
14.   I loved going to Time out for Women for the first time and being spiritually fed.
15.   I love to listen to others share how the Savior is working in their lives.
16.   I have to admit I live thunder storms and watching the lightning dance across the sky.
17.   I was raised by two converts to the church. They raised me well.
18.   I know that Heavenly Father loves and cares for me.
19.   I know the atonement was made for me.
20.   I love General Conference. I can't express with words how much, but I love it.
21.   I am blessed to have a wonder family, immediate and extended.
22.   I love watching my children experience life and enjoy learning.
23.   I love bright vibrant colors, be it in flowers, inks, paints, fabric, sunsets, scrapping papers, children's art work, stained glass, the rich colors of autumn and spring...I love bright rich colors.
24.   I love listening to water rather in a brook, waterfall, or fountain.
24.   I love the warmth felt when the sun kisses you on a summer day.
25.   I love listening to rain fall on the roof or hit the window pane.
26.   I enjoy doing acts of service.
27.   I find peace in creating, and watching my children create.
28.   I enjoy canning tomatoes with my husband in the late summer evenings.
29.   I love feeling the wind in my hair when I ride my bike.
30.   I love holding hands with my hubby when we go shopping.
31.   I love just chatting with mu hubby about the kids, his work, or the day to day goings ons.
32.   I love calling my parents and telling them about the latest with my children.
33.   I am grateful that my husband holds and honors his priesthood responsibilities.
34.   I love when my children come up and give me an unexpected hug. (It warms me to the bone. I melt.)
35.   I love listening to a beautiful piece of music, be it instrumental, or vocal.
36.   I love memories of Brazil.
37.   I struggle with being human at times more than others. Then again, this makes me more thankful for the atonement.
38.   I enjoy watching people enjoying their talents and blessings.
39.   I love those quite moments when the Lord inspires you and tells you He know you can do it, He is there to help.
40.   I am thankful for the example the Savior set in doing the Fathers will and not His own. It is a hard one to follow at times, but I know with His help I can do anything.
41.   I love sunny days.
42.   I love road trips.
43.   I love lazy afternoons.
44.   I love roasting marshmallows over a fire and chatting with our children.
45.   I love spring. The smells, sights and sounds of spring are all reminders that there is always another day. We can start anew and with a fresh slate.
46.   I love when my husband holds me in his arms and tells me he loves me.
47.   I love sticky cotton candy.
48.   I love visiting with my siblings and cousins. They know me and love me just the same. I love them just the same.
49.   I love the smell of clean laundry. I love how if feels when it first comes out of the dryer.
50.   I love folding laundry. It is relaxing to me. However I hate sorting socks.
51.   I enjoy washing dishes. It gives me time to think and I feel like my worries are washed away with the scum I scrub off.
52.   I enjoy mopping the floor by hand. I see the scum come off and get to scrub out frustration. When I am done I can look around and see the reward of my work.
53.   I love to day dream.
54.   I enjoy going to the gym and feeling sore after words.
55.   I love visiting my husband at work, he always lights up to see me.
56.   I love teaching my little princess how to do things, her creativity astounds me.
57.   I love watching my little mans mind at work. The way he perceives the world is so unique to me.
58.   I love holding my youngest one. I know that he and the others are going to be all too soon gorwn for that and I try to embrace each opportunity given to me.
59.   I enjoy exploring with my husband and children.
60.   I love spending time with those who care and mater most to me.
61.   I enjoy being a parent. Sure it has its moments, but the rewards make it so worth it.
62.   I enjoy watching my children laugh and enjoy each other.
63.   I love when I can visit with a kindred spirit and our children get along.
64.   I am thankful for my testimony of the gospel and Gods love for me.
65.   I love those white fluffy clouds on hot sunny days.
66.   I love being able to sit down once in a while and being able to enjoy a good book.
67.   I enjoy those moments when I can sit and relax in a warm bath and think over the day or week.
68.   I am grateful for the in-laws I have.
69.   I love listening to the violin.
70.   I love listening to the piano. Most string instruments for that mater.
71.   I am blessed to have some amazing friends.
72.   I love flowers. Really I do.
73.   I love looking at life photography.
74.   I love dreaming and seeing those dreams become realities. (I need to do more of it.)
75.   I love the smell of bred baking.
76.   I love the smell of apple pie baking as well. 
77.   I enjoy going to the library with my hubby and reading a good magazine.
78.   I enjoy bowling with my husband.
79.   I enjoy watching a good  movie snuggled up to my hubby.
80.   I love staying up late with one of my older boys and discussing life and the lessons it provides.
81.   I love a big mug of hot chocolate on a winter evening with almond joy creamer in it.
82.   I love being reminded of these many great blessing I have in my life. There are many more, but it is late.

A Lesson on Forgivness

Forgiveness is a lesson that continues to confront me. When I think I might just have mastered it (maybe?) I realize there is more to it still. Last night I was expressing some frustration on this subject with one of my children. I feel like I have forgiven individuals, but at the same time I don't feel I can trust them again. I grow tired of the pain they inflict. When the subject comes up it is a tender subject for me, my feelings are still fresh. As I talked with my son he shared with me some thoughts or ideas he has felt he has learned on the subject.As he Shared, it seemed to make sense.

We are asked to forgive others their trespasses. No where in the scriptures are we instructed to forget. We are instructed to use righteous judgement. If you know someone has a tendency and that tendency has repeated itself, you can judge that tendency. You don't have to put yourself in the situation of being lashed out at again. In forgiving an individual it is alright to remove yourself from future situations that can cause you discomfort, and that individual an opportunity to dig a deeper hole for themselves. In doing this you can find peace, and spare that individual sin.

In doing this it doesn't mean you go out of your way to flee them or turn your back on them. When they turn to you for help, you can treat them like children of a loving Father. In doing so we find the opportunity to exercise and develop charity, the Christ like love we have been commanded to desire and obtain. As we forgive we can find peace in turning it over to the Savior. The Savior can give us the tools to work with as we strive to become successful in our own dealings with life's little adventures.

It is amazing to me how keenly thought out Heavenly Father's plan is. He never takes from us our agency. As we learn to turn our will to His we can find peace in unexpected places by means we may not have considered. Strength can be found in those moments we feel we may buckle any moment to the weight of the world. What a blessing to have an older brother who loves us as He does, and Father who has trusted us as He has.

Update: In searching for help and comfort I came upon this article and thought I would make it available. https://www.lds.org/ensign/1991/06/of-you-it-is-required-to-forgive?lang=eng

The Greatest Tool

"As soon as we learn the true relationship in which we stand toward God (namely, God is our Father, and we are His children), then at once prayer becomes natural and instinctive on our part (Matt. 7:7–11). Many of the so-called difficulties about prayer arise from forgetting this relationship. Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work and is an appointed means for obtaining the highest of all blessings."

While in the MTC (Mission Training Center)preparing for a mission I came across this in my studies. Since that day I have had opportunities where it has been explained to me and a light put on it if will. (David A. Bednar expounded on this in his October 2008 address regarding to prayer.) I have also had moments where I feel like Heavenly Father has blessed me with experiences to teach and enlighten my mind.

Monday when the bombings happened in Boston I had a friend of mine who had participated in the marathon. She is expecting and her hubby and two friends had gone to support her. Before the race her family had fasted and prayed for her to not have complications. As the news came out me and many others were praying that she would be okay along with those who had been with her. I was expressing to another friend that I wish I could be there to help out. I feel like I have been on the side lines for too many things lately, though I feel blessed to be in that position, I have felt 'limited' or helpless in the assistance I am able offer. As I expressed my frustration, I told her I feel like all I can do at times is pray. (In saying that I felt like it was very little.)

However as I have read my marathon runners experience and the experiences of those with her I am realizing what a powerful tool we have in prayer. Prayer doesn't necessarily eliminate pain and suffering. However it can strengthen those looking for strength,  it can lift those who feel weak, and yes, it can even provide protection. 

Besides my friend coming out unscathed from this weeks events, there are stories throughout the scriptures where prayer has provided that same protection. The situations were different, but they were the same in many regards. Alma the elder prayed that his son's heart would be softened. Not only was it softened but he became an amazing missionary, along with his friends, the sons of Mosiah. Their lives were spared countless times because of the prayers of their fathers and many of their own. There are the Stripling Warriors whose lives were spared through the faith of their mothers and of their own. 

In my own experience I have seen prayer heal others, strengthen some, and soften the hearts of yet others. As I read my friends experience Monday evening and Tuesday as she has put it out I have come to realize that I have not been utilizing some of the greatest tools the Lord has made available to me. I am renewed in my desire to rely more upon Him. Who else can bless the lives of those I love better than anyone else? He knows and loves us individually. He knows what will be best for us and those in our lives, what will bring us the greatest happiness in the long run. If we trust this we are able to experience an inner peace that can not be found any other way.

Lovely

Lovely

Weeds

My children are growing like weeds. It is crazy how time flies! I was looking at my wedding pictures the other day and The youngest of the old ones(Sorry, that came from reading Skippy Jon Jones books *grin*) is getting to be quite the young man. When I joined the picture he was seven. now he is talking about when he will be driving...which is just around the bend.

I have had three more since that day, and the middle one will be starting kindergarten this fall. Where does the time go? And the smallest of the small ones is getting better with verbally communicating, when he is hungry he is great at helping himself into the fridge, and cupboards. My little princess is more of a tomboy princess, the other day when dropping her off to school one of the boys in her class ran to catch up with her, grabbed her hand and walked with her to class.

I love being able to enjoy little glimpses of my children as they are growing up. I love even more that I can be around to see more than glimpses. Still there are those glimpses that feel big in such a precious way. I hope as they grow they know they are my little world, that I love them, and that I am trying to teach them what they need to be strong and brave as they grow and face the world.

Life is Fragile

This week had been a roller coaster. On that ride I have come to see how fragile life really is, and how one moment can change so much.

Monday my brother stopped in and visited! It was great, it seems like I see less of him than I do my parents who live in another state. We visited for a little while and then he had to go and pick up his wife and run some errands. As he left I had thought to myself how nice it would be if we could see more of each other.

The next day proved to be an answer to that wish. (In a way I would chose for no one.) My Sister-in-law was in a terrible accident. We had just had a hail/ice storm Monday night. She had returned to town to have a tooth worked on, and on her way home she had hit black ice which caused her to be thrown into a ditch and her vehicle to roll several times. Instead of rolling from side, top, to side again the roll was from front, top, back, wheels, front and landed on the top. She had been wearing her seat belt, but was somehow thrown form the vehicle and ended up having one of her legs pinned. The emergency rescue told my brother she is lucky to be alive.

Tuesday I had gone and visited him for a couple of hours and then came home whipped out from the days events. Yesterday I stayed home and did my thing. This morning when I went to see how she was doing my brother was happier and seemed to be optimistic about everything.

After visiting with him for a little while the Dr. came and asked to talk to him. Because of the pain my sister-in-law was suffering they were unable to take a good cat scan, but with her high white blood count, change in skin tone, and a low grade fever the Dr. was concerned of infection, that it was possible her bowls had received injury. He explained they needed to preform another surgery to go in and see what was going on. The Dr. tried to be optimistic about things, but he didn't sugar coat anything. The surgery could take up to 4 hours.

She has come out of her surgery. They did find that because of her seat belt there were several things the cat scan had missed. However, the Dr. was able to take care of those things and so we are told things are looking better and should be on the up from here. She will remain in ICU a couple more days so they can monitor everything.

As you can see, it had been a wild ride. We are having a family fast for her this weekend. If anyone would like to join us, the added blessings would be appreciated.

Thanks!

His Grace is Sufficient...

Our Relief Society had a lesson on this talk today. I missed it because I was teaching a class of my own. I have to say though that I have learned a lot just from listening to it. I hope when you have a minute or two (actually a little over a half hour) that you will take a moment and listen to this. 

Brad Wilcox does and awesome job talking about what GRACE really is.

Love it!

Precept upon Precept

The other day I was sharing with a friend what I had felt the Lord has been trying to teach me. I shared it with you two entries ago. You know where there are people placed in my circle who don't want my help. As I explained to her how I had been feeling she interrupted me and told me that there may be another way to look at it as well.

Through my learning I had felt I should just pull away from individuals and give up on them. While agreeing with me this friend gracefully disagreed, but not telling me I was totally wrong. Instead she said that there was another way too look at it. It was alright to take a step back. It is quite possible that the Lord needs my emphasis else where. Namely in raising the children I have in my immediate care. I need to put my emphasis on being a wife and mother.

Anyone not with in that realm are bonus. There are those who don't want my help at this time. I can't help them at this time, and it is okay. It is not expected of me to do so. Right now God does expect of me to teach my children, to raise them up and help them to have a place of refuge from the world, a place where they know they are loved unconditionally.

While thinking about this I think I am beginning to understand something else. While there are those I would love to help and lift now(who aren't ready to receive that hand that I have stretched out for them.) God has place others who are capable of doing that which I can not. There is the possibility that one day those individuals will realize my attempt and be grateful for it. So instead of giving up on them, per se, I need to focus on the task at hand. In the future if an individual changes their mind, I can be prepared to receive their change of heart, because I too allowed the Savior to work on me.

A couple of years ago I had told my husband I would rather be in hell than have to deal with some personalities. He told me that was the most selfish thing he had heard me say. (I felt like that was a slap.) Over time I am discovering how selfish that thought really was. Not only was it selfish, but it was allowing the adversary to win. If I am doing the best on my part to do good and return to Live with Heavenly Father, the Savior is going to help, and he will make up the difference for me. Not only will he do this for me, but for my brothers and sisters I don't always agree with.

That being the case, If there is someone I can't necessarily work with at the moment, it is okay to turn them over to the Lord. Who knows better how to handle them than the Savior. For that mater, who knows better how to handle me? Now if He can handle any one of us, than why do I have to assume things are going to be so uncomfortable in the next life.

All in all, His expectations of me are to give Him my best. After I have given my best He will make up the difference. This does not excuse me from being kind to others and trying to help them.  It does however give me the power to move forward. We did fight for our agency in the first place. We continue to, so why not use it to rely on the Savior and learn to become like him. I know some of this sounds like babbling, but some of it may make some sense as well.

Thanks for understanding...if not some what.

Glimpses

The other night while walking through Wal-mart to pick up a few things I walked through electronics where they had "Guardian's" playing. I had seen the previews months ago and written it off as one of those movies promoting childhood fantasies. That was that. But when I walked through electronics I was drawn in. I came in on the last bit, so I may be ad libbing.

A young man finds his mind being opened to a past life. He sees a young girl standing on the ice in danger and he is wanting to save her. In doing so he gives his life and in turn is made a guardian. He then realizes he has a purpose. He and the other guardians are losing their powers and abilities. You see a mad man who is trying to diminish the belief of all the children in the world. As this man takes the belief of the children it strengthens his powers and destroys the powers of the guardians.

Towards the end there is one child who still believes but is about to give up. He asks for proof that his beliefs aren't in vain. When his light is about to flicker the first boy, Jack, tries to use the last of his power to help this boy believe. The boy now is convinced and also sees Jack. Jack and he gather other children with the help of the other guardians for an ultimate show down with the mad man. At one point the young boy realizes it isn't up to the guardians but rather to him and the other children to fight the mad man. The young boy yells: "I know you are real, but you don't scare me." At that point the mad man begins to loose power, and eventually he is destroyed.

I didn't watch the end because I realized I had been there for more than 5 minutes (or thirty for that matter), so I went about my shopping and headed home. However the scenes have been running through my mind. I thought how easily this applies to our actual life.

We have a loving Father with an eternal plan, and a brother who willingly gave his life to put that plan into effect. Why? Because they both love us and want us to return. They want us to be happy. We have another brother who is doing everything in his power to destroy us and that plan. As long as he can paint an ugly picture and put fear in our hearts it gives him power. He tries to tell us he isn't real and neither are our Father and other Brother. He tries to diminish any hope we may feel for the future.

As long as we believe his lies it gives him power to make us miserable, to destroy us, and pull us down. However if we believe in the Savior and His sacrifice, if we believe we have a loving Father in Heaven we can find happiness, we can find peace. The fear will fade because while we know evil is there we realize that our Father is all knowing. He has provided a way for us to succeed. He has thought out every detail. By Believing this we are able to partake in the blessings of His Son, Christ. We can feel forgiveness. He will give us strength. Those stories in the scriptures that seem like "fairy tales, or myths" become stories of hope and can strengthen us. We can learn through them to "believe in, but not fear" the adversary, for we will realize he really doesn't have the power he tries to convince us he has.

There are stories in the scriptures that have been brought to mind throughout the week since this. I feel I am being taught. Like for instance in 2 Kings, 6: Elias's servant goes out to fetch some water and realizes they are surrounded by a huge army, and is terrified by what he sees. He goes to Elias with this fear and the prophet prays to the Lord that the servants eyes would be opened. They were and when the servant looked about he found that behind the army was a mountain full of horses and chariots of fire ready for the Lords command. Elias prayed that the offending army would be blinded and he and his servant walked out unscathed.

Mosiah, in the Book of Mormon, prayed that as his sons went out to teach among the Lamanite's they would be protected from harm. According to his faith the blessing was fulfilled. One son's life was spared as he lay in a vision. His brothers, though not as lucky in the group of Lamanite's they went among, their lives too were spared.

There is also the story of the 2,000 stripling warriors. Their lives were spared countless times because of the faith they had and that of their mothers.

Daniel and the lions den, Ester, David and Goliath, Job, the city of Enoch,....there are so many examples of how the Lord blessed those who had faith in him. They were not always exempt of trials and tribulation, but all were blessed for their faithfulness. I believe this is why it is important for us to not just study the scriptures, but apply them. Allowing the Lord to teach us so we can, when tried, prove to be faithful to the end. So we can lift those around us and be lifted when we feel we are slipping. So He can remind us what it is we believe in.

In the Class Called Life

Have you ever felt like life presents you with the same lesson, only at different levels? It seems like when  you feel content, like you may have finally learned a lesson and should be able to move on...WAM!!! There is another degree to that lesson! Surprise! Why is it that I most indefinitely fail the first test?

Through out life I have been presented with this particular test over and over again. I think the Lord is trying to tell me something. Maybe that I am still imperfect. Maybe that even though life really is good, I need the storm clouds until I learn to dance and enjoy the rain rather than worry about the lightning. This past week has been  a slap in the face when it comes to being reminded of my imperfections.

With that said let me tell you a little lesson I am beginning to understand:

"I can not, in now way, and in no how please everyone."

With that understood I have come to realize there are unhappy people out there that are so unhappy they feel they need to pull anyone they can to their level. Trying to lift them in this state is useless. They love their pit of despair and would love you to join them. (It is a lonely pit after all.)

In the past I have been impressed with the thought that these individuals have others placed in their circle of influence who can lift them. No where in the book does it say I have to be that person. I don't have to be the person to grovel, nor do I have to feel bad if they reject me. I have people God has placed in my circle who understand I have weaknesses and love me despite those weaknesses. Not only that, but God knows and loves me despite my weaknesses, as he does those who have rejected my hand. Having God as a common lifter, builder and shape maker can and should be of comfort. Eventually I can be friends with these individuals if I am willing to be molded, and they are too. Eventually God will help us understand we are in this as a team rather than not. Until that time comes I must only work on pleasing Him, and giving Him my best. That, and giving Him my burdens before they feel to heavy too bear. 

As I learn to do this these lessons become less painful, and easier to bear. I do realize there are others I can please along the way. There are those with in my circle that can easily forgive and look past my short comings. They are not critical of me, nor do they look for everything I say and do as ammo for their disdain. Though I have felt alone at times, when I look up, God shows me the wonderful friends and family he has surrounded me with and I realize how blessed I truly am.

Tender Mercies

Guess what! Our missionary is home and no longer a missionary! I have to share his home coming, because he was blessed all the way home. In turn we were too.

Originally he was scheduled to have a 5 hour layover in Denver. We had tried to have that changed, but in so doing we would have had to drive 5 hours to pick him up instead of 5 minutes. I know. When he arrived in Denver another traveler saw him and asked him where he was headed. He told the gentleman and mentioned his layover. The gentleman suggested that he see if he could catch the earlier flight. When Flights aren't full they will allow it at times. So just for fun our young man headed over and asked. They opened the door and let him on.

When he arrived to our small po-dunk of an airport he asked for directions to a public phone. They didn't have one and apparently nobody had one on them for him to borrow. As he was asking around another mother who had just dropped off her son noticed his name tag and asked if by chance he was related to my hubby.

Mean while at the house we were trying to clean things up some and get ready for his return. Things were a little hectic at the moment, we had had some friends stop by, and suddenly I was getting one phone call after another. When things looked like they were slowing down the door bell rang. It kept ringing. My husband was in the living room and I couldn't figure out why he wasn't getting it, so I ran in to find my husband helping our youngest with something. I went to the door and saw a glimpse of black, looked out to see the car and didn't recognize it, but the driver was one of my husbands colleagues, she was grinning from ear to ear. I looked back to see who was at the door and it was OUR MISSIONARY!!!! home 4 1/2 hours early!!!!(and I got to be the lucky one to see him first!)

The plan had been to go with him the following day to get him released. We were able to make arrangements to do it that very night, instead of driving 2 hours to do it, we were able to go 45 min. After his release we went to dinner and then headed home. when we were about 18 miles form home I thought I saw a plane land half an hour before scheduled. When we got in town we decided to stop by the air port and see if his luggage had arrived. It had not only arrived but had been unloaded and was ready for him.

So the tender mercies were that he arrived home early, was released, had dinner, received his luggage, and was home to shower all before his plane had been scheduled to land. We were able to put in a lot of love'n in that four and a half hours we couldn't have done otherwise. Just saying, it was sweet to have him come home!

Children

Two over heard conversations in our home this past week.

M: Our dad is the tallest dad in the world.
S: No. he isn't, Jesus is.
M: (not wanting to be upped by the younger sibbling) I said in the world, not in heaven! Ugh!!!

the other one was over heard by my hubby.

S: It is my turn for the IPad, you need to give it to me.
M: No, I don't have to give it to you.
S: (Kneeling down, folding his arms he quickly says a prayer out loud:) Dear Heavenly Father, please bless that "M" will give me the IPad. He then stands up and states. "There. Now you have to give me the IPad."

It is fun watching these children grow and see the world through their eyes from time to time.

Line upon Line

This week I was struggling. I know. Hard to believe. I have felt like the weight of the world was caving on me lately. I don't mean to complain. I know everyone feels this at one time or another. Lately I have been feeling it more than not. My life is good. When I look around to see why I am feeling this way, or trying to understand it I simply don't. Through some study I have come to the conclussion that I am either going through menopause early, or I might be(and I hate to say this out loud because it admits I have a problem.)suffering from depression of sorts.

One day in particular I was struggling with this. Does this mean I am lacking in faith and hope? Why can't I be a better mom? Why can't I do everything I want to be doing? (That list my friends is endless, and when I look at it I become paralized and end up doing nothing....ugh!) How do I begin the orginization that I need to to have better, more meaningful FHE's? How do I organize my home? My children? Am I teaching them everything I promised I would before I came down here? Have I prayed for everyone who needs blessed? because with in my corner there are many needing the blessings that come from prayer. I am wondering about the whole forgiveness thing. I think I have done my part and then wonder if its complete, and if it isn't am I worthy to receive the forgiveness I ask for? I have a ton of short comings, and the adversary loves to remind me of them.

I don't mean to sound negative or over bearing in this, but this is what I was feeling. I was seriously feeling the weight of my world weigh down on me.

So I opened my scriptures and found some great comfort. Alma the younger eased my mind, and the Savior helped me taste of some goodness I had forgotten about. My comfort was found in Alma 36:3. Here is what I read:

"And now, O my son Helaman (daughter Melane), behold, thou art in thy youth(a young mother), and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day."

My favorite part was; "...whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials and their troubles and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up in the last day."

In sharing this I will admit I do need to rely more on the Lord. I have been trying to do a better job, and I have found comfort. In all of the short years I have lived my life I am grateful for the Teachings found through the scriptures. It amazes me how the Lord speaks to me when I humble myself to receive his teachings, councel, or comfort.

Just Some Random Thoughts

Last week I received a letter in the mail from our young man who will be returning home from his mission. He is doing what many young folk do as they grow and stretch. He is reflecting on how he has grown and was sharing some experiences with me. In sharing his experiences he warmed my heart, and got me to thinking too.

The first year I married my hubby was an adjustment period for each of us. I was adjusting going from single to instant family. By instant family I mean everything was already established. (And not exactly how I imagined I would have done it myself.) I am learning life isn't really like that anyway, but it is just as sweet. They were adjusted to not having their mom around, and since she wasn't the house had become somewhat of a bachelor pad/man cave. Picture Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, when Milly first enters the picture. I felt much like Milly, and they felt much like the brothers the first morning.

In his letter our young man mentioned how we were both rough stones needing our rough edges smoothed. Through the next couple of years as we hit into one another we were smoothed. Before He had left I had told him it was fun seeing how much he had grown. In his letter he said:"I am not the only one who grew in that time." then he mentioned how he had seen me grow and change as well.

It is funny, because just three years ago I had thought that I would have to settle for some lowly things, but felt fine with it because I couldn't see any way around it. There were several personalities I was trying to deal with and not all with in the walls of our home. These personalities brought out a lot of anger, hate and resentment in myself and I felt like if I would have to endure with these personalities in the Celestial kingdom I would be better off in a lower kingdom where I knew what I could expect. I shared these sentiments with my husband one night and he was shocked and told me that was very selfish thinking.

With time some uglies came out I was not real proud of. However people knew where they stood with me and backed off. Through the time after the uglies I struggled with myself, and the atonement. I had a thought one day that the Lord knew me, and he knew my adversaries. He had placed people in their lives who loved them with their flaws, along with me. My adversaries and I had Him in common and through Him and his help we would be able to overcome our differences. He would be able to help things become comfortable for the eternities.

At the time I didn't see how this could happen, but had lost the strength to fight and needed strength to raise my little family. So I turned it over to him. I erased any thing I could review over and over again to feed the fire I had been feeling. I distanced myself because I had the thought come to me "If you know a fire is going to burn you,  why do you continue to return and put yourself in its path?" I had to make some rules for myself and take control.

Its been three years since I had my melt down. Three years since I have turned it over to the Lord. I haven't had to wait until the end of the millennium to see how Heavenly Father is working in our lives. He really can do things we think are impossible or see as if they are hopeless causes. That is one area I have seen my growth that our young man talked about. Also I have had the help of a wonderful husband who has not only been supportive, loving and kind, but patient. Hr truly is my perfect match and I am blessed to have him for my eternal companion. I am blessed to have the Savior as a big brother who cares. I am one lucky girl.

Moments like these.

My little man woke up tonight crying that his leg hurt. While its late and I ought to be in bed, I am glad I had a moment to cuddle him on my lap and rock him. It seems like my kiddos are growing up too fast, and my little guy demands a lot of my time. With that said I feel like the older ones get a little ripped off. So I cherish moments like tonight, where I can pamper one of the older children even for a moment. Hoping they know I love them as much as my littlest one.

Hopes and Dreams

The other day I saw a poster on Pinterest which read:

"Behind every great kid is a mom who's pretty sure she is screwing up."

With that I have been pondering lately how well I am doing as a mother. For the five older children I can't take a whole lot of credit. Mainly the older three were grown when I came into the picture. And for the younger two I was pregnant or bringing the younger three into the picture. The older five are setting over all amazing examples for the younger crew, going to the temple, actively involved and serving in their wards, and strong testimonies. What more can a parent ask.

The younger three have lessons to learn. I hope and pray that I can give them the tools they will need. Their future is going to have greater challenges than mine has. But they can have the same blessings and tools. I hope they will see the examples their older siblings are setting for them and will follow those footsteps, along with the examples their father and I are setting for them.