I was out visiting family this past weekend. My cousin is leaving for her mission This week! I am so excited for new adventure she is a bout to embark on. The weekend was great! I was able to catch up with family I have not seen for years! One as long as 12 years I believe.
Many of them asked me how I am doing. The question is a loaded one coming from them. Several of them thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life, in marrying someone 18 years my senior with five children. They forget that I am only continuing a family tradition, as both of my grandmothers, maternal and paternal, married men 18 years their seniors as well. I chuckle.
When asked how I was doing I told them life is treating me pretty well, and I have nothing to complain about. Then I thought I would share with them the lesson I am learning. As a disclaimer from the get go I am still learning this lesson over time. In all honesty I can say I am just scratching the surface. It seems to be an "onion lesson". I am learning line upon line, moment upon moment, here a little there a bit more, layer upon stinky layer.
I feel I have been being taught about the atonement and forgiveness. I have expressed this in past posts, but I will share where I stand at this moment. Several years ago I had three individuals I felt were causing me more pain than I could bare or felt was fare to bare all at once. One held things against me I had never intended to be offensive and threw it at me with all the anger and hate they could muster. Another was plain venomous in their dealings. Until it affected my children I dealt with it the best I could, but when the children were involved it became more than just a discomfort. The third individual was more of a manipulator. Don't get me wrong I felt as if they were all liars and manipulators, but with the third I felt I had to continuously watching my back only to find they were coming from an angle entirely off the charts, making it difficult to feel like I was pulling my weight in the situation and circumstances.
Let me say I was not entirely a victim, as they each in their own way made a point to let me know all of the flaws I contributed. It was painful. When it was all taking place I questioned many things about myself and my intentions. In doing so I have learned to feel God's love for me and those involved. [I will admit I struggled with that at times].
One day in particular I told my husband that I would rather be in hell than with these individuals for eternity. I honestly felt it. I felt at least in hell I knew Satan could only throw hail and brimstone at me. The physical pain would be more bearable than what I felt I was dealing with at the time. After expressing this to my husband he said: "That is the most selfish thing I have ever heard you say." In hearing that I felt he had slapped me. But I also felt what I had said whole heartily.
After thinking about what he had said I decided to discuss my feelings with a Higher power. So I knelt and poured my heart out to the Lord. He listened. He knows my heart better than anyone. He knows me. After listening to me He spoke to me and this is what He said: "Dear child. You have a husband who knows your flaws and weaknesses and loves you despite those flaws and weaknesses. I love you despite your flaws and weaknesses. Individual 'A' has this person who knows their flaws and weaknesses and loves them despite their flaws and weaknesses. I love them despite their flaws and weaknesses. Individual 'B' has this person who knows their flaws and weaknesses and loves them despite their flaws and weaknesses. I love them despite their flaws and weaknesses. Individual 'C' has this person who knows their flaws and weaknesses, and loves them despite their flaws and weaknesses. I love them despite their flaws and weaknesses. Now look at the four of you. Who do you have in common? Me. Who can change each of you. Me. Your responsibility is to take care of the children in your immediate care and be a wife. These other individuals are not your responsibility. They are mine."
And that is where it was left for a moment in time. He has continued to teach me. I am learning that forgiveness isn't always for the other individual. There are those out there that could care less for your forgiveness. However, as we learn to forgive others we are taking "rocks" out of our spiritual back packs. We are allowing the Savior to help lighten our loads. We can find the peace that is talked of in the scriptures and promised to those who follow Him. Wow! Amazing huh?
Another layer to this lesson is this: Everyone has a different idea of what perfection is. We simply can not please everyone. However, God knows the "perfect" perfection. If we turn to Him for direction, trusting that He really does love us and want what is best for us, He can help us reach our perfect perfection. Say we are the letter "O", he does not expect us to turn into a "U" to make a certain sound. He has created each "letter" with purpose. When we let him work in our lives we find that each letter has a specific purpose, we were not intended to be what others may envision for us, but what He has intended for us all along. Each of us has a purpose and a place in his plan. He is the poet. And though we may experience pain in being molded that pain will help us realize our potential when we allow it.
So I have shared some of my learning's. There are many things I am still becoming to understand about this. But through my experiences I am finding peace. I am losing so much of the hurt and anger I have been feeling the past little bit. I am so blessed to have a Father and Older Brother who love me as I am and are patient with my stubborn, often times prideful self. I have said it before,"I am one blessed girl."
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