When we want to be different but find it hard is when we need the Lord most in our lives. Whether we are angry with the world, angry with ourselves, angry at an individual, whatever the circumstances. I have had a recent struggle. It was both personal and shared. Individual in the fact that I had been holding a lot of feelings in that needed out. Shared in the fact that I let them out, but in a very disdainful manner.
As I have tried to work through this, other "things" were directed at me that hurt. These things only made me more angry, and feel more justified for the feelings that had been expressed by myself. I had no intention of letting those feelings be exposed. However a situation arose and the anger was exposed.
In all honesty I thought to myself, "This must be what a damned soul feels." I asked for help. I was counseled to speak with my husband and do a lot of praying. Then in a meeting this past weekend we were reminded that doing just the simplest of things will make us strong and help us through our difficult times. There were four simple steps. 1. Prayer. 2. Studying the scriptures. 3 Obedience, and 4. Service. I don't remember all that was said on each of those, but I will share with you what I learned today.
I have been trying to be prayerful through this whole ordeal. I have been trying to read and apply the scriptures to myself.(A funny side not is that I have been reading the war chapters). I have even tried to be obedient. However, I have found myself looking in and being totally consumed with the happenings of the past couple of weeks that I have not been able to look out and see who may be struggling as I am.
In a conversation with my husband where I was expressing some of my anger and hurt, when I finished he lovingly said: "I worry because as you express this it only seems to anger you more." He was right. I had been feeling the anger building up as I went. I began to pull things from the distant past to justify. I decided not to express anymore. Today I stopped by his office he made another comment: "You know, I know it makes you feel good when this individual asks you to make her a special dish, I bet it makes her feel good that she can request it and know you are more than happy to make it." That was the end of that conversation, and we changed scenes per sei.
Later when I had some time to rest and think to myself I thought that is not the only thing this individual has ever done to give me warm fuzzies. Instead of letting this individual hear the things that hurt, maybe I could put emphasis on the things this person has done to raise me up. I was actually able to come up with several things.
I think I need to begin a tradition my mother had with me and share it with those around me. Have you ever heard of Operation Nice? It is similar. Only instead of random acts of kindness for strangers, she would do random acts of kindness for family and friends. This would be a great way to look outside myself and serve others. I know I don't have many readers as of yet, but I hope that if you are ever feeling overwhelmed by anger, frustration or whatever, know first that it is alright as long as you recognize it and are trying to do differently. Then I would suggest that the four steps above can also help. It may not change everything, but It will change your heart. That I think is the workings of the atonement.
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