As I stated in a recent post I am working on being more of a studier of the word again. With studying my scriptures more I am also trying to take time to have a more sincere conversation with the lord in my prayers. In looking back it seems like the past couple of years I have really strayed from what I once clung to.

In studying more and "reading" less I am finding nuggets in my study that I am beginning to cherish and find to be precious, that I have not noticed in the past. I am seeing again with an eternal perspective. It is wonderful to look behind me and see that Heavenly Father is always there, even when I feel like I have abandoned Him. (Or feel abandoned myself}

Through my studies lately I am coming to understand that Heavenly Father is truly a loving Father. H Like any loving father, He whole heartidly wants my happiness. Not only does he want my happiness, but He wants me to experience joy and feel the peace that only He can give. This past week I have been basking in His love.

Several months ago I had asked for a blessing in hopes that He would tell me He would remove my burdens that I felt were too heavy to bear. Instead I was told(I am now seeing in a loving 'voice'} that "He would not remove my trials." I know more was said, but after those words I heard little else. I felt He had turned His back on me. In hearing this I felt rejected, like I had really blown it with Him, and well, too bad. I held onto hurt and anger like they were my only friends. They drained me of more than I felt I had to give, but I felt like it was meant to be.

Then, one Sunday my Bishop was left with time to spare at the end of the meeting. Our ward has had some real struggles for a while. I had thought I had avoided some of them well with grace, but that meeting helped me realize that I had not avoided them as I thought, but may have contributed to it as well. Here the whole time I had whole heartidly thought I had been the victim. But as I thought about the instruction of our Bishop I realized that though I may have been a victim, I was choosing to remain the victim instead of choosing to be the Mary, Esther, Ruth, Martha of my own story. It was painfully humbling.

As I took the steps suggested by my Bishop to get above the line and be responsible I started trying to pray. I have felt some changes in my heart begin to take place through the process. I have confronted people and found that I had taken offense where it not only wasn't intended, but I had understood situations completely out of context. In doing so I have lost some friends, but also realized that I have some friends I thought I had never really had. I have felt the power of the atonement in ways I thought were impossible and didn't know existed. I have been offered forgiveness where at first I believe it should have been asked of me. That alone has been incredibly humbling in coming to terms with feeling, worthy to receive it when it was so readily offered to me.

In experiencing this and with the hind sight that is almost always 2O/2O, I understand why Heavenly Father couldn't remove my experience from me. I have felt His love and patience through the whole thing. It isn't just this experience, but a compilation of several over time that He is teaching me with. Don't get me wrong, I am far from perfection, and know there are many more lessons in store for me. However I find comfort in beginning to understand how much He really does love me.

Reading In Jacob chapter 5 in the Book of Mormon this past week I have been taught of the patience the Lord has for His children. He knows we are going to make mistakes and stumble. He loves us so much. So much in fact that He has had a plan from the very beginning in which He allowed His beloved son to die for us. I have an older brother who loves me so much that He gave His life for me, and He would do it again if it was required. Because they love me, they are patient with me. They know my potential, and they know I will meat it when I take the time to ask, turn, knock, and listen for their response. To say I feel incredibly blessed may be a bit of an understatement, but I don't have other words to express what I have felt lately so it will suffice.