Thoughts on Being a Step-Parent

A friend of me is doing an assignment for class about step parenting and asked me a couple questions: 

-Ask the parent to describe the pros and cons of step parenting.  
-If the parent had to do it again, what, if anything, would they change?  
-What advice would they give to couples that were just starting?

Here was my response just in case you were wondering:

• When I first married my husband I took a lot of things personal. I had pictured I was going to be this perfect step-mother. The first year was hard...for everyone. I brought with me new rules, and the kids were excited to have me there until I was actually there. I felt like I couldn't do anything. I was accused of trying to erase memories of their mother and when it came to creating traditions it was hard. They had theirs already established, and the older kids wanted nothing to do with mine, nor did they want me to be a part of theirs.
• Pros Children are already raised, I didn't have to give birth to them.

  Cons Children are already raised, and I didn't give birth to them.

  I remember I was going to write a book about how being a step-parent didn't have to always be awful, how it depended on attitude and stuff. My cousin who is a writer came over one day and I asked her to read what I had written. I thought she would tell me how unique I am or something of the sort, but as she read the things I struggled with she turned to me and said: "This isn't anything a biological mother wouldn't write. You are having the same struggles I am having with my teenager."

  Now I know my situation is unique in many ways, but I am realizing she is right. I feel like Heavenly Father has been teaching me not to take everything so personal.

  With the three younger children I feel like we have developed a respect for each other. I love them like my own. The two older children have made it a little more difficult to feel that way about, I love them, but am a bit reserved. The difference there I believe is that I have lived with the younger children, where I haven't with the older ones. We see each other on Holidays. They need someone to take out their anger and hurt and I happen to be the lucky winner. However I think that would be the case had it been anyone else.

  I don't know that I would change much. I have been far from perfect in being a step mother. But I have grown a ton from it. Some of that growth has been extremely painful and I would not wish it on any one even my worst enemy, but I look at others trials and wouldn't trade either.

  The advise I would offer? If you don't believe in a God you might want to start. I have turned to Him more times than I can count. Pray for the children who are being placed in your care. Don't take things personal even if they are intended to be personal. If you hang in there and continue to love them they will one day thank you for being a part of their lives. Don't judge the children's behaviors, your are being judged as well, the good thing is God knows our hearts, better than you will ever know theirs and vice versa.

  For the couple love each other unconditionally. There will be many times you don't agree with each other. Keep communication open with your spouse, trust your spouse. Trust your children. Trust instincts. and when you feel like walking away don't. The first year I spent a lot of time in my room. I went from single, to mom of 5. I remember begging my husband to let me go home to my parents and letting him and the kids have their own Christmas. He never said no, but he did tell me I might regret it if I did. I am glad I didn't.

  We have been married for 8 1/2 years. While that is not 50 by any stretch of the imagination, I intend on it being close to that as does my husband. I have seen the children grow a ton. They say the same of me. I say hang in there when times are rough. Rely on prayer, because God knows you and those children individually better than any one else. He will help you out, or send people your way who will be wise and have wise advise. There will be others as well.
• There you go.