Kesha - This Is Me (from The Greatest Showman Soundtrack) [Official Audio]

This song hits home to me today. It says my feelings better than I have ever been able to express them myself.

Before I entered your picture I had already been created. Before coming to earth we had a loving Heavenly Father who took the time to create each of us...individually. He placed in each of us our own desires, our own perspective, our own opinion, and gives us our own experiences to shape us and mold us so we can become the Sons and Daughters He sees in us.

In this life we cross each others paths which contribute to the continuation of our being molded and formed. Before I entered your path I had been placed on my own. Like you I have feelings. I have had experiences of my own that play a roll my ever developing perception of further experiences that confront on my path...just as you do.

You want to be treated like a human...so do I. I am doing and giving my best. You cannot compare or expect my best to be anything you yourself have given. Nor I yours, its simply impossible.

Please don't expect me to be something I am not, especially when you don't even know what it is you want, nor take the time to know who I am. And please don't make accusations without understanding that you are also new in my picture.

If we were to take several steps back we would both realize that neither of us own the picture or painting we are creating. It is much bigger than you. It is much bigger than me. If you have a problem with me don't assume that it is my problem. I have come to understand that you are not mine. Rather my problem is my perception. Turn to the Savior and He can help you see what you aren't seeing for yourself. Just as He is doing for me. We are each a work in progress. Heavenly Fathers masterpiece in the making.

Fragile

Monday I talked to my sister-in-law. She is heart broken. My brother has left her. I was shocked. Blown away to be for sure. My life story is becoming more and more complicated. What I used to see as black and white is becoming smeared and smudged. People are all shades of gray. God is who paints the colors. Wounds turn to scars...over time. The scar remains to remind us of past pain and shows us we have prevailed and endured the pain. Not necessarily with grace, and certainly not with out feeling. (Oh to feel...)

Some scars are on the surface for others to see. Some are hidden. Others are seen as beauty marks instead of blemishes. Some scars are light, and others dark and ugly. Some scars remind of past choices and mistakes. Yet others are from the choices and actions of others. It doesn't diminish the pain felt in the moment.

Speaking of moments. Moments are crazy things. One moment you are flying on top of the world. The next moment you have face planted. If you believe in God you know He is there to lift you and help you brush off...if  you ask for His help. One moment you believe there is something more out there, and the next moment you feel left alone, with no where to turn, no one who can understand. We cherish some moments, looking back in fondness and love. Others are painful and and yet they can teach us things only taught through experience alone.

Tomorrow will be a new day. The picture that was supposed to be will be changed...again but just as real as ever before. What will I make of my master piece in the making? What will you make of yours?

Reflections

I have been frustrated lately. Its obvious I know. So I have decided to make a list of things I am grateful for. Mainly as a reminder of all of the great blessings I have in my life.
       
1.     I am married to and sealed to my best friend.
2.     I have a big brother that loves me so much He gave his life for me.
3.     I have been blessed to have wonderful children placed in my stewardship.
4.     I am thankful for the scriptures and know they bring us closer to God and Christ.
5.     I live in a day age where Christ's church has been fully restored upon the earth. I can receive all of His promised blessings.
6.     I have been blessed with many talents.
7.     I have blessed with a handful of amazing friends.
8.     I am blessed to be surrounded by people who know me.
9.     I am blessed to have older children who don't mind helping me with the younger children.
10.   I love spring time. I love to see flowers blooming.
11.   Speaking of flowers, I love tulips and daisies...and forget me nots.
12.   I love that I am able to say home and raise my children, and I can watch them grow. 
13.   I love listening to and reading the words of our living prophet.
14.   I loved going to Time out for Women for the first time and being spiritually fed.
15.   I love to listen to others share how the Savior is working in their lives.
16.   I have to admit I live thunder storms and watching the lightning dance across the sky.
17.   I was raised by two converts to the church. They raised me well.
18.   I know that Heavenly Father loves and cares for me.
19.   I know the atonement was made for me.
20.   I love General Conference. I can't express with words how much, but I love it.
21.   I am blessed to have a wonder family, immediate and extended.
22.   I love watching my children experience life and enjoy learning.
23.   I love bright vibrant colors, be it in flowers, inks, paints, fabric, sunsets, scrapping papers, children's art work, stained glass, the rich colors of autumn and spring...I love bright rich colors.
24.   I love listening to water rather in a brook, waterfall, or fountain.
24.   I love the warmth felt when the sun kisses you on a summer day.
25.   I love listening to rain fall on the roof or hit the window pane.
26.   I enjoy doing acts of service.
27.   I find peace in creating, and watching my children create.
28.   I enjoy canning tomatoes with my husband in the late summer evenings.
29.   I love feeling the wind in my hair when I ride my bike.
30.   I love holding hands with my hubby when we go shopping.
31.   I love just chatting with mu hubby about the kids, his work, or the day to day goings ons.
32.   I love calling my parents and telling them about the latest with my children.
33.   I am grateful that my husband holds and honors his priesthood responsibilities.
34.   I love when my children come up and give me an unexpected hug. (It warms me to the bone. I melt.)
35.   I love listening to a beautiful piece of music, be it instrumental, or vocal.
36.   I love memories of Brazil.
37.   I struggle with being human at times more than others. Then again, this makes me more thankful for the atonement.
38.   I enjoy watching people enjoying their talents and blessings.
39.   I love those quite moments when the Lord inspires you and tells you He know you can do it, He is there to help.
40.   I am thankful for the example the Savior set in doing the Fathers will and not His own. It is a hard one to follow at times, but I know with His help I can do anything.
41.   I love sunny days.
42.   I love road trips.
43.   I love lazy afternoons.
44.   I love roasting marshmallows over a fire and chatting with our children.
45.   I love spring. The smells, sights and sounds of spring are all reminders that there is always another day. We can start anew and with a fresh slate.
46.   I love when my husband holds me in his arms and tells me he loves me.
47.   I love sticky cotton candy.
48.   I love visiting with my siblings and cousins. They know me and love me just the same. I love them just the same.
49.   I love the smell of clean laundry. I love how if feels when it first comes out of the dryer.
50.   I love folding laundry. It is relaxing to me. However I hate sorting socks.
51.   I enjoy washing dishes. It gives me time to think and I feel like my worries are washed away with the scum I scrub off.
52.   I enjoy mopping the floor by hand. I see the scum come off and get to scrub out frustration. When I am done I can look around and see the reward of my work.
53.   I love to day dream.
54.   I enjoy going to the gym and feeling sore after words.
55.   I love visiting my husband at work, he always lights up to see me.
56.   I love teaching my little princess how to do things, her creativity astounds me.
57.   I love watching my little mans mind at work. The way he perceives the world is so unique to me.
58.   I love holding my youngest one. I know that he and the others are going to be all too soon gorwn for that and I try to embrace each opportunity given to me.
59.   I enjoy exploring with my husband and children.
60.   I love spending time with those who care and mater most to me.
61.   I enjoy being a parent. Sure it has its moments, but the rewards make it so worth it.
62.   I enjoy watching my children laugh and enjoy each other.
63.   I love when I can visit with a kindred spirit and our children get along.
64.   I am thankful for my testimony of the gospel and Gods love for me.
65.   I love those white fluffy clouds on hot sunny days.
66.   I love being able to sit down once in a while and being able to enjoy a good book.
67.   I enjoy those moments when I can sit and relax in a warm bath and think over the day or week.
68.   I am grateful for the in-laws I have.
69.   I love listening to the violin.
70.   I love listening to the piano. Most string instruments for that mater.
71.   I am blessed to have some amazing friends.
72.   I love flowers. Really I do.
73.   I love looking at life photography.
74.   I love dreaming and seeing those dreams become realities. (I need to do more of it.)
75.   I love the smell of bred baking.
76.   I love the smell of apple pie baking as well. 
77.   I enjoy going to the library with my hubby and reading a good magazine.
78.   I enjoy bowling with my husband.
79.   I enjoy watching a good  movie snuggled up to my hubby.
80.   I love staying up late with one of my older boys and discussing life and the lessons it provides.
81.   I love a big mug of hot chocolate on a winter evening with almond joy creamer in it.
82.   I love being reminded of these many great blessing I have in my life. There are many more, but it is late.

Quandries on Life

Lately I have been looking back on life and forward, and have had all these thoughts. So I thought I might share some of these thoughts with you. I will forewarn you this might be bland or a little dreary to some though It is what has been on my mind. Consider yourself forewarned.

Family dynamics is always interesting, everyone has them and every one's is different, yet we can all relate. There is enough common that we can almost always find common ground with someone else. I realize there are exceptions, there are always exceptions in life.

In the media we see so much abuse, so little respect for life, for others, it seems to always be about "me". Parents kill children because they are an inconvenience, spouses beat the other as a power trip. Parents beat children because they forget what it is like to be little, or don't want to be reminded. Sometimes there is just severe neglect, maybe a parent feels they don't have time for a child, because that child needs designer clothes. Or family is neglected because there is excitement to be found else were.

People are always effected by others choices. My children are effected by how I choose to spend my time, heck, I am effected by how I spend my time.

Looking about me I see people who are almost enslaved for whatever reason. When I look at these people it is easy for me to lose hope and faith. It is weird to me that some of these individuals that are suffering, or who have had their time on earth cut short due to the choice of another, that they may have to deal with that for a whole life time. Won't God save them? Doesn't He want better for them?

I was thinking about this this morning an I had a thought I would like to share. I would be happy if you share your own thoughts as well.

For me it is comforting to know that God's plan is so complete that He has already taken these individuals into consideration. Children who die early due to the abuse, or neglect of their parents whom they fully rely on are saved through the atonement of Christ. Those who are older and experience abuse or neglect of a spouse or someone they have trusted have also the ability to find comfort through the atonement. The atonement can not be miss used. It is to help us heal, forgive, and be forgiven. When correctly applied we can find peace and live our lives knowing there is an end to the ugliness the world seems to deem as normal.

As of yet I do not have all of the answers. I believe there are those out there who are going to be greatly surprised when they are called forth to meet their maker. However I believe also there are many who are going to find great relief and comfort when they meet their maker.

Often I have to remind myself that Heavenly Father has tailored our lives to us as individuals. The only thing he asks of us is obedience. There are days that may be harder than others. But if we turn to Him and His Son, He will help us through those hard times. He will place in our paths others who can help lift us.

It is so important to remember that faith with out works is dead. Why? Because we are His hands! If we aren't doing our part when we are able, then we are not demonstrating Faith in His plan for us. He does not expect us to move mountains. He does expect our best. Where we are lacking is where the Savior comes in and can lift us.

This may be a jumble, but it is what has been on my mind as of late. I am so thankful for the completeness of the Lord's Plan for us!

Seasons

This past week my father called me to let me know my grandmother's health is deteriorating. Last August the Dr.s gave her a year to live. She has prooved that theory wrong, but through the year she has had increasing heart problems.

This past week she had a check up to see how the little engine of hers was running. When my father had called her she told him everything was going well and she was fine. Later he was talking to my uncle who is out there with her and his story was different.

The upper valve to her heart has ceased to work. The lower valve to her heart is working. Her heart is shutting down...slowly. My uncle informed my father that she doesn't go far when she finds herself out of breath and because of the poor circulation her hands and feet feel like ice. The Dr's have been impressed with her however because most people her age and condition would be in hospice by now. However she is still doing things for herself, be it knitting, making it to the ladies room, or just some basic things us whipper snappers take for granite.

My father is going to try and go out and see her before she leaves us. I might try to do the same...I don't know though. I would need to take my little ones and I don't know if that would be over whelming for her or not. I was thinking it would be fun for my children to have a last picture with her if nothing more than for memories.

Both of my grandfathers have passed on, and I have no pictures of my own of them. I have memories. My maternal grandfather was a step-grandfather, he was a carpenter. I have memories of him sneaking me into his shop and letting me hammer away on wood and nails. I remember him humoring me and cutting out the outline for a doll(Imyself had designed), and then letting me glue wood chips for hair. He left me a dresser, and toy chest and a cedar chest. Others memories fill my mind of him climbing a tall ladder with me on his shoulder. He would place me on a high branch, letting me pick cherries to my little hearts content then when I called he would come and carry me down the ladder with my cherry stained fingers and face.

My father's father didn't leave me with as many memories. However, near his death I remember being by his side. The look of a frightened child was on his face when he realized that his life was drawing to a close. I remember telling him there were other people on the other side awaiting him, to welcome him. This seemed to give him some comfort, and a couple of days later he joined those on the other side.

This life is so fragile. I think it is so easy for each of us to get caught up in being alive and the moment of living that we sometimes forget how temporal it is. Then there are times we are reminded how temporal it is and we sometimes forget this is only the beginning, for our spirits, our souls it is only a season. These are a few of my thoughts this evening.