I know its been a while, but I wanted to share this.

I believe it was General Conference weekend. Maybe between sessions. They were talking to different members of the church and having them share their life altering testimony builders. The one that stood out to me was a sister from Utah, I had heard some of her story. I had followed her blog for a short period out of curiosity. She and her husband had been survivors of a serious plane crash. Both had been burned, she more seriously than himself, but both quite seriously. They had children and were working on remaking their lives.

This particular interview, she shared how when she had seen that more than 90 percent of her body had been burned she was crushed. She knew she would never be the same again. She didn't even want to wear her clothes home, because she knew she would never look "beautiful" again. Then she thought to herself "They still fit. What am I thinking?"

Upon hearing this I looked inwardly. I have been hating myself. I would like to say it has just been in recent years. However, it has been most of my teen years and beyond from the influence of the world. The world tells you you have to be so thin, a beautiful bronze tan, the perfect curves, a gap between your long thin, yet graceful legs, sun bleached beach waves, a perfect jaw line, a perfect brow arch, full lips, lashes that are long and lush. I could go on and on.(But who want to read all of that?)

After school I thought I would get married and start a family. It didn't happen. I thought to myself that it must have been because I was fat. So I began eating very little. I was dying to get back to the weight I was before puberty, I might look better. I might be more attractive. I did get over that...about a year later which was a blessing, before I could have done any real damage to my body.

Then I started a family, while jumping into one already established. Very difficult. I have had so many people tell me how they admire me, they could never do what I have done. Most of the time I feel like I am failing. I have feed my self doubt with chocolate, ice-cream, and loads of sugar. Maybe even binge eating. This is now showing in the fact that I weigh 100 lbs more than a healthy self should. I hate it. I don't feel comfortable in my skin. I have hated my new curves, my new chins, thick thighs, that my ankles are beginning to look more like Kankles, and I have bra rolls, tummy rolls, hail damage on my legs, butt and who knows where else. Half of my face is a wreck. One eye doesn't always open as I like, it winks, and sometimes I feel like I grin much like the Joker.

Now, back to the sister I was listening to. As she talked I felt like her message was directly for myself. My body has its own story to tell. My body tells of three difficult pregnancies. It tells of lack of self love and confidence. It has a story of depression, and anxiety. Much like this sister I have had to realize that Heavenly Father loves me for me. Just as I am. He lovingly created my body. He didn't create me with all of the "Perfections" the world likes to dictate. However He created me perfectly with His love. He doesn't care about the hail damage, the extra rolls, the droopy eye. What He cares about is that I know He loves me as I am. He wants to lift me. He loves what comes from within, rather than what the world tries to define. He loves us if our nose is crooked, our teeth are crooked...He created those "flaws" lovingly so we could stand out as an individual loved more than we can even imagine.

This year I am going to work on loving what I have been given. I am going to learn to love my flaws and the flaws in others. I am going to work on seeing myself and others through the perfect eyes of a Father who created each of us lovingly.

June Overview

June has been an incredible month! Seriously I could have lived several years this past month.

I was in Great Brittan to start the month off. I loved England. My father was born in Liverpool during World War II. My grandfather had been stationed there and met my grandmother.  My grandfather brought my grandmother and father to the states when my father was 3. England felt almost home like to me. While there, my favorite stops were Canterbury and Dover. In Canterbury, Elly Cathedral was beautiful! Down their main road they had a lot of fun shops to explore for books, gifts, candy, paper goods, clothes, purses, jewelery, and when we found ourselves hungry there were pubs and carts with delicious food. I LOVED Dover! Dover felt like the home to my soul. A nostalgic home, it was familiar to me. We explored the castle, then hiked down to the beach which I found to be breathtakingly peaceful. Instead of sand the beach was pebbly and the white cliffs were majestic and safe. The pebbles along the beach were made of worn flint, chalk, and golden pebbles. the chalk and flint were veining through each other. It was amazing!

London was our final stop. It was more crowded, and crazy. To be honest though I could have spent several weeks there and still would not have had enough time to explore. We were able to see the guard practice for the Queen's birthday which was a sight to see. We had the time in our schedule to choose a play of choice. I had been told Matilda was a hit, but they were sold out while we were there. Instead I was able to go see Wicked. What an incredible experience! I loved the story line, the actors and actresses, The stage,props, costumes and everything just made for an awesome experience!

I had gone to England with The Platte Valley Singers. The invite had been extended because I have been participating this past year with the UNK Women's Choir under David Bauer. An experience I cherish and has been fun for me. I love meeting students, making new friends, and performing. My plan is to be in the choir again this coming year as a volunteer. What an adventure.

Shortly after returning from England (Literally 1 day to rest and get over jet lag) I was off to camp with the young women from church. To start out I really felt useless. My feet were killing me from all of the walking we had done in England. The first night of camp I had pulled something in my knee trying to cater to my sore feet. Bishop Chaffin and another brother who were there gave me a blessing which helped drastically. Shortly after the blessing I was placed in charge of designing pins for each of the girls. I loved it! The older girls were very thoughtful in coming up with awards for the younger girls. Since girls camp I have received several Thank Yous from girls in the stake that have totally warmed my heart!

Following Girls Camp I was hoping to take a bit of a breath. However my dear husband had signed the kids up for everything under the sun, and it turned out the activities were all the same week. Our schedule went like this: 9 am orchestra for S man, 11 pick him up. 1 pm take Miss M. to Biz Kidz. 2 pm Take Clubster to acting class. 4 pm pick up C. 5 pick up M. 5:05 drop both boys at swimming, and return for pick-up by 6. Meh. My Main squeeze did help with orchestra drop off and sometimes pick-up, and we alternated on the evenings with the boys and M,making it easier for one of us to prepare dinner. This week I did feel a bit overwhelmed...Thanks for keeping me on my toes Love, I sill love you with all my heart.

We missed a birthday with me being in England, so we threw the party the weekend following all of the classes. Sigh. That was held at Paint Paradise and was a hit with little to no planning on my part so that was a bonus. Though in planning for lunch and ordering pizza we forgot to pick up drinks, so before taking girls home we stopped by Sonic and picked up slushes for each of the girls.

The following week I finally had a chance to rest, it felt great! A dear friend of mine was married that Saturday and I was able to catch up with another friend I have not seen in too long of a time. We actually had the time to sit and talk with for even longer.

For Young Womens last week, we watched the Devotional that Pres. Nelson and his wife had put on at the beginning of the month. President Nelson is moving forward boldly with his call and teaching the youth how they can also do so, it is exhilarating to watch! In the devotional he invited the youth to become actively engaged in the Lord's work here upon the earth. He  not only explained what that looked like but made is sound doable, not overwhelming.

I find myself forgetting that we only need to worry about the one...not the whole. The one can betaken care of individually, and in a moments notice, or over time. He isn't expecting us to be something we aren't do things we can't, or the impossible. It was rather comforting to listen to the devotional and be given tools, and being told that our gifts are just what the Dr. ordered. Seriously I loved the devotional.

The of June last week was Youth Conference. Our leaders who had originally planned on attending had to change plans at last minute. Steve and I apparently looked like the best alternative. Heavenly Father had our backs though. I was able to work out between two other sisters in the ward to take my spot all but one night. Steve ended up going the full time. I am glad I had the time with the kids myself. During that time I was able to help M with her room some, play some one-on-one games with S-man, and take Clubster to the doctor when we had a scare. I love being a mom! I am learning to enjoy it more and more.

During this month I witnessed many miracles. In England I witnessed chances where we could have been robbed and we weren't. In Dover I experienced the castle with out feeling claustrophobic, and the beach with out feeling anxiety about being so near the ocean . On the way to Girls Camp the bishops van gave out just as we entered Broken Bow. Bishop was able to get it fixed in less than an hour, and the shop that fixed it was very generous charging only $10 for his labor. The blessing I received for my knee and feet went into effect quickly. The week of running children all over I felt Heavenly Fathers hand in helping my stay calm and not feel anxiety or overwhelmed. There was one point this past week where I thought I might be having a heart attack. I found it was only a strained muscle for which I received another blessing (this time from My father and husband) and was back to normal in less than 24 hours.

Our last incredible blessing came last Friday in the form of a beautiful health grand baby! She is such a little miracle. It is so fun watching another son step up to the plate of fatherhood with the confidence his father instilled in him through example. i have been so impressed with our boys! They love their wives with their whole hearts as they should, and their children are embraced the moment they arrive. Fatherhood looks good on them. What a privilege to observe. I also found out this month that our third grand baby is in the oven. I know our daughter and son-in-law are going to be great parents alongside the others!

There you go in incredible month coming to a close! My hear feels full of gratitude, love, hope, and the spirit! I feel truly blessed to be living in a day where we have the fullness of the gospel, Priesthood power, medical knowledge, the Internet where we can listen to living prophets at our leisure, and all of the available blessings that go over looked.

Kesha - This Is Me (from The Greatest Showman Soundtrack) [Official Audio]

This song hits home to me today. It says my feelings better than I have ever been able to express them myself.

Before I entered your picture I had already been created. Before coming to earth we had a loving Heavenly Father who took the time to create each of us...individually. He placed in each of us our own desires, our own perspective, our own opinion, and gives us our own experiences to shape us and mold us so we can become the Sons and Daughters He sees in us.

In this life we cross each others paths which contribute to the continuation of our being molded and formed. Before I entered your path I had been placed on my own. Like you I have feelings. I have had experiences of my own that play a roll my ever developing perception of further experiences that confront on my path...just as you do.

You want to be treated like a human...so do I. I am doing and giving my best. You cannot compare or expect my best to be anything you yourself have given. Nor I yours, its simply impossible.

Please don't expect me to be something I am not, especially when you don't even know what it is you want, nor take the time to know who I am. And please don't make accusations without understanding that you are also new in my picture.

If we were to take several steps back we would both realize that neither of us own the picture or painting we are creating. It is much bigger than you. It is much bigger than me. If you have a problem with me don't assume that it is my problem. I have come to understand that you are not mine. Rather my problem is my perception. Turn to the Savior and He can help you see what you aren't seeing for yourself. Just as He is doing for me. We are each a work in progress. Heavenly Fathers masterpiece in the making.

Family

The past couple of months have been busy with assisting my father in planning a surprise birthday for my mother. She turned 70 this year and we wanted to make it special occasion for her. To both make memories and reminisce. We decided to invite all of her siblings and her mother out and have a reunion of sorts.

Everyone was able to make along with a cousin and my older sister to boot! The experience has taught me somethings I wanted to put into words. This is as good of a place as any other. First of all my grandmother has never had a knack for keeping secrets. She didn't disappoint. I could point fingers, but it wouldn't change things. Also pointing fingers would take from the out come. So I will skip that. We were able to pull the wool over Grandma's eyes to an extent still making most of the plans a treasured and pleasant surprise for my mom.

Guests began arriving all at different times over a period of days. It had started out that we were going to have one big surprise party. However because of the previously mentioned weakness of my grandmother we ended up having my aunts and uncles present themselves as they arrived. This turned out to be even better than our original plan. My mother was able to spend time with each of her siblings, one-on-one where she may not have been able to otherwise. Also because of this I was able to spend some one-on-one with them in ways I had not foreseen. It was a pleasant weekend, and I was able to enjoy it as much as my mother and my aunts and uncles.

Siblings were able to came and go as they were available which was also enjoyable.

My older sister has not been a full time participant in our lives for the first 20+ years of my life, so there is lost time in developing relationships. It was great having her out here where we could include her in day-to-day and also get to know her better! She has a beautiful spirit and a lack of confidence in areas like the rest of us. It was pleasant to nurture our relationships. We are trying to be better at including each other in our lives.

Everyone seemed comfortable in their skin and to enjoy one another's company. I am glad we were able to get to know one another better in this season of our lives. Family can't be matched or replaced. They define us, and make us who we are. The relations ships we have and continue to discover are amazing when we see where our traits are found in others and begin to understand more of who we are and where we have come from. We have many things in common that I never could have known, or imagined. Family is a place of understanding on a level previously felt unobtainable. Family is beautiful.

Fragile

Monday I talked to my sister-in-law. She is heart broken. My brother has left her. I was shocked. Blown away to be for sure. My life story is becoming more and more complicated. What I used to see as black and white is becoming smeared and smudged. People are all shades of gray. God is who paints the colors. Wounds turn to scars...over time. The scar remains to remind us of past pain and shows us we have prevailed and endured the pain. Not necessarily with grace, and certainly not with out feeling. (Oh to feel...)

Some scars are on the surface for others to see. Some are hidden. Others are seen as beauty marks instead of blemishes. Some scars are light, and others dark and ugly. Some scars remind of past choices and mistakes. Yet others are from the choices and actions of others. It doesn't diminish the pain felt in the moment.

Speaking of moments. Moments are crazy things. One moment you are flying on top of the world. The next moment you have face planted. If you believe in God you know He is there to lift you and help you brush off...if  you ask for His help. One moment you believe there is something more out there, and the next moment you feel left alone, with no where to turn, no one who can understand. We cherish some moments, looking back in fondness and love. Others are painful and and yet they can teach us things only taught through experience alone.

Tomorrow will be a new day. The picture that was supposed to be will be changed...again but just as real as ever before. What will I make of my master piece in the making? What will you make of yours?

Wedding

We made it out to our Second daughters wedding. We left on Friday. One of our children was sick twice on the way out. I was sick all day Thursday into Friday morning. Friday evening they had a beautiful preception!

While at the preception the bride looked beautiful, and the groom very handsome. We had many friends from the past show up. It was great being able to catch up with everyone. The food was beyond delicious. The bride and groom had a considerable  turn out. I enjoyed meeting friends and colleagues, and cross paths with some I haven't had the opportunity to see for years.

On their wedding day we ended up having another sick child. We were able to run up and see our son who is serving his mission caught a quick hug or two, met his companion and then we were on our way back to my aunts where the child continued to be sick. I had hoped to be at the sealing and show my support and excitement for the new couple. My hubby told me it was beautiful and that he found what the sealer shared to be noteworthy.

In the end we ended up coming home earlier than we had planned so we could be sick in our own beds. Overall it was a great trip. It is a pleasure to see our family growing and expanding as it is. I pray that the new couple will be happy and continue to be a strength for one another.

A lot of Happiness Happening this Year

I can hardly believe this year is almost to the halfway mark! Where does the time go? So many exciting things have happened this year or are in full-swing to happening, and they are all exhilarating!

I became a grandmother in January! Our oldest son and his wife added a beautiful little girl to our growing family! She has the most contagious smile! Our son and his wife are the cutest parents, they are doing great! The grand baby loves having her parents sing to her and she knows they love her to pieces. What more can a little one ask for.

Our Second daughter was unexpectedly swept away by the man of her dreams. It has been a pleasant surprise, and as a parent so fun to watch. He treats her like his queen, and she lives up to the title beautifully. They will be tying the knot here this month and we are so excited for both of them!

Also in January our Second son and his wife started a new adventure further from home. Luckily not as distant as the others. He is only 45 minutes away. It has been pleasant to see how he and his wife are becoming their own adulting selves. they are flourishing there, and everyone I talk to adores them almost as much as I do. I love it when others see in my loved ones what I see in them. even better is when they notice things I have not yet discovered. Seriously, the church is such a blessing!

Our oldest at home right now will be going into middle school this year! I am a little freaked out at how quickly these kids are growing and how life is in continuous change. Not complaining, it is fun to watch the kids flourish. I just wish there was a pause button, or slow button, that is all. I had been warned at how quickly things would go, however I didn't comprehend what that entailed, or that it applied to me as everyone else.

For mothers day our oldest planned a beautiful picnic at her mothers grave site with her siblings out there. I am sure their mother cherished the moment with her children close and those they are bringing into our family! We talked to our missionary, it was great hearing form him and seeing how he is growing, what a great young man! My children spoiled me as well.

I feel extremely blessed at this point in my life. I have an amazing family, both right here and extended. I am surrounded by wonderful people, friends and an extraordinary ward family.

Anxiety

Anxiety is a weird thing. I haven't felt it for quite some time. Then this morning...WHAM! I don't feel like I have anything to be anxious about, but I can't seem to calm myself. Being 41 is killing me! I guess every day lived is closer to death. Today though...*sigh*.

This Years Shenanigans!

Okay, so my "getting better" at writing hasn't happened.

I am still here. This past year, and less has brought a TON if changes! It has been both overwhelming, and rewarding. My parents have moved out here as has my youngest sister. I hate to say it, but I dreaded it. I have been out here for 10 years and have established it as MY territory. I know, that sounds selfish maybe, but it was real. I have come to appreciate and love having them closer!!!When they just drop in it is usually a pleasant surprise, and when it isn't, I still enjoy it.

Our youngest from the first batch of five left home for a mission at the end of the summer. Oh I was so ready for him to leave and spread his wings else where. I miss him everyday. Who knew? He is loving his mission and the people he serves. I can see his growth in his letters. It is fun to see how the lord works in and on our lives.

My youngest started school this year! I was counting down the days all spring, I had this crazy itch, like it may never actually happen yet it did. I miss him. He is my mamma's boy and my little shadow. I used to think of all of the things I would actually be able to get done with him in school. Sadly I will tell you I haven't even began it. Part of that is due to the depression I have been dealing with. The other part is due to the fact that life just continues to keep happening. and usually not as I have pictured it happening. Dang.

One of the turned blessings is having my parents, my sister and her family closer. My children are developing relationships with them. I am loving that! My parents offer to help with the kids at the most convenient times. My sister drops in and invites me to do shenanigans with her, and vice versa. Growing up she was 5 years younger than me and I don't have a lot of memories of her. So I am loving getting to know her better and her kids. So much fun!

I am trying to figure out what my purpose is right now. I am thinking of taking on a very part time job. I have found one where I when I am asked to work it will be the same hours my kiddos are at school, same days off as them and many other great blessings. I love being a stay at home mom, and with this one I will be able to be there ANY time my kids need me. So, it is perfect.

However, when thinking about taking on this job I have a little voice nagging in my head. Ugh. So I am trying to decide where I can be the most available for what the Lord needs me to do. *sigh* I am thinking though, if I take this job, I won't have time to shop. I have been a shopaholic. and I shop for things of little consequence. So. I just don't know. at least with the money I make I can pay back some of my debt. I dunno.

At church I was made the ward chorister, and I am loving it. it is more laid back then all most any calling I have had previously. I love it because the people I am serving always have great suggestions and are great to work with. (if only we could get more...)

Well, That is a handful of the changes I have experiences this year. The most exciting one will actually take place sometime next year! I am going to be a grandma!!! You heard me right! I am excited beyond excited...and a little (only a little) weirded out...I feel like I am still in my late 20's, early 30's. My youngest is beyond over joyed, because he could become an Uncle on his birthday. Now that would be awesome, we do need to see what the Lord has in store though...LOL!

It's hard to believe it is almost September!

This year has been crazy! Good but crazy. For a couple of years I have been dealing with depression. I had not been suicidal so I wasn't sure I was really struggling with depression until this spring when I hit rock bottom. It scared me...a lot.

I was trying to do everything they tell you to do. I was going to the gym, trying to eat healthy, I tried being better at reading my scriptures...I was doing all I could to avoid medication and counseling. Probably because that would mean that I really did have some sort of problem.

Finally I reached a point I realized I couldn't do it any more. I broke. I was given a light medication, and accepted counseling. I had a great Doctor who helped me find a great counselor. At that point I had to trust that it would be a good fit. I don't think I would have really known what to look for, and I wasn't in a place to do the research.

Through this experience I have relearned how aware of us Heavenly Father is. He knows us by name. He loves us. His love is pure. He is there to catch us when we find ourselves spiraling out of control. It is a process through which He is patient with us and readily available to help at all times. He has picked me up and carried me often. I am so blessed to be surrounded by wonderful family, friends and for a Father who knows how to tailor everything so perfectly for our individual needs.

I'm not perfect, but I am getting better. I have felt more like myself than I have in ages and it feels good. I will try to be better at writing more again.

Today I heard a friend had a miscarriage.

I had one six years ago. My advise after a miscarriage?

Hang in there. Live. Feel. You are going to be a little off for a while. I can't tell you how long, but I can tell you you aren't alone and it won't be forever. There are many others who have experienced your pain. Don't let people to tell you to get over it. It is a loss. Take your time. You will have good days and bad days. It is alright. It is part of the human experience. Don't tell yourself you are going to be fine, there are going to be days you do better than others. I suspect this would be the same for any other loss. You had dreams. You anticipated a future with that little one. It is okay to have a bad day, week, month or year. Pray. Others are praying for you as well. You will find healing and peace with time. Just take it moment by moment, day by day.

New favorite song!

Just thought I would share it. 

Christmas

This year has been wonderful! For the past few years I have dreaded Christmas. I was sharing this with a friend, because I know the way I respond to things is part of my problem. I anticipate things to happen(usually the worst unfortunately), and when things are said or done because of my preconceived ideas I respond negatively and in turn receive a negative response. Crazy how the circle repeats its self every year.

As I shared this with my friend she told me matter of factually that I should not "prepare" myself for what was to come, but rather pray for Heavenly Fathers help. She said she would keep me in her prayers. Following our visit I returned home, and half heartedly shared with Heavenly Father my concerns and then told Him honestly that I wanted to change on my part. I felt like I hadn't really given him much notice so it was possible He wouldn't hear me, thus the hesitancy.

Family began to arrive. Instead of hiding out and holding back like has become my custom I decided to go with my patient and loving husband to pick children up from the air port. I didn't force myself into any conversation, mostly just listened.  Instead of hanging back I joined things. But when I felt like I didn't want to I didn't let anyone make the decision for me. Christmas Eve my parents joined us for the first time ever, and it was a pleasant evening.

Christmas morning rolled around and as the opening of gifts began I realized everyone was happy and enjoying themselves. The whole day was peaceful and relaxing, we played games, chatted, and at times just did our own thing. There were a couple of times I bit my tongue but others have seemed to be able to do the same, and it has been completely different than what I had been envisioning the past couple of weeks.

Today one of our boys and I were talking. I was telling him I think this is honestly the best Christmas since I have married his father. He looked at me in surprise and said "I thought I was the only one to notice a difference." He went on to tell me he had texted his brother last night who was unable to come and told him this Christmas has miraculously had no contention and he was surprised.

I love answered prayers. Heavenly Father really does want our happiness. I am grateful for wise friends, a Father who cares and is patient enough to wait for us. I feel loved and blessed beyond words this year. Merry Christmas all!

This month is a month for reflecting on blessings and expressing gratitude.

I am thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who loves each of us.
I am thankful that He will be my final judge for He is the only one who knows my heart.
I am thankful I am blessed to be married to my best friend. He has a level head, he loves and honors his priesthood and family.I am blessed to be a part of his life.
I am thankful for the bonus children I have. They have helped me grow in unimaginable ways.
I am thankful for my children. I love watching them grow and flourish.
I am thankful for missionaries. they brought my parents to the gospel.
I am thankful for my parents accepting the gospel and sharing it with me.
I am thankful for the garden of friends I have had throughout my life. I am incredibly blessed.
I am thankful for flowers. They are beautiful, unique and brighten my day.
I am thankful for a brother who lovingly suffered for me and died so that I can find and give forgiveness.
I am thankful for the men and women who have made the freedoms I experience daily available for me.
I am thankful for living prophets who love God and Christ enough to not bow out when things get hard.
I am thankful for the scriptures and their teachings.
I am thankful for many answered prayers.
I am thankful for trials and blessings alike.
I am thankful for brothers and sisters who I can now enjoy the holidays with.
I am thankful for my play space where I can create.
I am thankful for men and women who have shared their testimonies and strengthened mine when I have felt weak.
I am thankful for temples.
I am thankful for the ability to feel fear, hurt, anger, peace, healing, happiness, sadness, trust, confidence....
I am thankful for other creative people.
I am thankful for good books.
I am thankful for others who are willing to share their stories to teach that with God anything is possible.
I am thankful for teachers and leaders who love my children. Who love me.
I am thankful for the completeness of Heavenly Fathers plan for each of us. and How aware he is of our needs and is there any hour, time or place. Mostly I have been grateful for his patience.

Last night our family was reading in the Book of Mormon, Second Nephi chapter 24. These are the Isaiah chapters, and I have a hard time reading them. In this chapter it talks about the millennial days, and about Lucifer, or Satan. It talks of all of his pomp and pride, but what stood out to me was as it describes Satan's fall this is said: 


16 They that see thee shall narrowly look upon thee, and shall consider thee, and shall say: Is this the man that made the earth to tremble, that did shake kingdoms?

I found this to be interesting. In the final days we will look upon Satan and wonder why we let him frighten us and destroy us. He will be a lowly spirit.

I wondered after I read this, why I allow him to have influence on me. Christ has already paid the price for me. I am worth the price he paid. That worth will not diminish unless I myself allow it to.

I love the stories of Peter walking on water, and the Woman with the issue of blood for 12 years. Why? Because they have faith enough to turn to the Savior. Peter only waited seconds, the Woman 12 years. And Yet Christ helped them immediately and provided any comfort that might be needed.

Back to the woman, just a thought that passed through my mind. For that 12 years that she suffered she didn't just sit and feel pity for herself. She saw many doctors, and did all in her power to be healed. Finally the thought came to her to turn to the Savior. There are somethings that only the Savior can do for us. And we are not expected to go through this life alone. It is true that our brothers and sisters can be His hands, we can be His hands, but if we don't turn to him, how can he direct those people to help us, or be directed to help our brothers and sisters?

I find myself often waiting much longer than is necessary to turn to my Savior. We are meant to do all we can on our part. But part of doing all in our part is actually turning to the Savior and trusting Him and His promises. Not only trusting Him but also believing Him when He has told us we are healed, or forgiven. He can not lie, He is the son of God.

These are just a few thoughts this past couple of days.

Summer has begun! School is out and we are on to new adventures! We have already celebrated one of three birthdays in a weeks period of time. Today for Memorial day we visited my grandfathers grave, and have worked lazily around the house, ran a few errands and done the usual.

This summer is going to be more home bound than past summers. We have some projects to work on here at the house and that is where we are.

I have been watching the show Fixer Upper. I love it. As I watch it I see Jo completely in her element and it leaves me wondering what my element is. I love creating, and doing but have been feeling restricted lately. I don't know if it is all in my head? I love being a mom and being able to stay home with my children. But am I living up to my potential? Am I doing all that I can? I just don't know. Actually I know there are tons of other things I could be adding to my daily list, ugh.

When I look at the things some of my favorite bloggers are doing, some of my friends and I feel like I would love to let loose in some way, but I don't even know where I would like to let loose. My home feels a bit untouched. I have all of this crafting stuff I would like, but don't know where to begin... should I just get rid of it? Then while talking to my hubby about this a little bit he said I should hang on to it because it is who I am...I have a daughter who can just do anything she wants, she has absolutely no reserve. I want to be like my daughter, like my friends and people I look up to. I want to be in my element but I have no idea what it is right now.

I am feeling unsettled. I don't know if I have ever known my element. I have always hoped for what I have. Now I have it and feel in limbo, and unsettled. In the past the limbo meant that there was something around to corner, big changes. But moving is not on the horizon. I am married, and have children. I guess I could become a grandmother? However that doesn't seem to near in the future, though it would not be a disappointment. I will be 40 next year...could that be causing this unsettling feeling? I just feel a little disinquabilated...totally made up that word, but it expresses how I am feeling these days.

Sorry, I haven't written lately. I am in a funk. I am here, just in a funk.

My Testimony

Today during the sustaining of our church leaders there were some Nay Sayers in the audience. When I first heard them it caused anger. These are men I love. I am grateful for the sacrifices they make, and the love for our Savior they have and share with those who are willing to listen. The anger subsided as I listened to the hymns and talks that followed however.

These individuals went in without an understanding of Gods plan. I hope they heard the words spoken. I hope they heard the music. They do have the right to their opinion. We all do, that is what we fought for before this life, and that is what we are fighting for today. We are all brothers and sisters experiencing this life with what we have been given, but also what we put into it.

For me when I sustain my church leaders I am sustaining my Savior as well. As I pray for my leaders I realize that they are there to lift me to higher ground, to bring me closer to my Savior and His outstretched arms.

True Leaders, men called of God, Men who have God's agenda at heart share truth. If you question this truth there is a living God who hears and answers prayers. Ask for yourself if what they say is true. If you don't want to make this effort, I respect you. but please respect them as well. Respect should not be one sided. It should go both ways. I realize in this world there is a side that doesn't see this as possible. However it is not God's side.

I know with my heart that this church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, is the true church. I know that it was restored through the Prophet Joseph Smith. I know the Book of Mormon to be the word of God, and that through reading and studying it we can come to know Christ and the plan of salvation that has been prepared for us. I also know that Thomas S. Monson is our living prophet today. I know the men who serve with him are also called of God to direct His church here upon the earth. I know this because I have asked and received my witnesses. In Christ's name. Amen.

Just Be Held

I came across this song by Casting Crowns last night. The timing was perfect. I have had this theme on the brain a lot lately. Many times in life I have found myself feeling comfortable. Shortly after recognizing this it seems that things change unexpectedly and go in a direction I hadn't planned or sometimes things just become uncomfortable.

Through these times of change and discomfort I am learning that when I turn to the Lord the storm may not instantly cease, however, through Him I can find peace, comfort and direction. He helps me ride out the storm a little more gracefully. I am finding as I go through these storms there are lessons I can take from them. I am not always graceful, and it is okay. I don't always understand where things are headed, and that too is okay. However when I turn my trust to the Lord I can usually look back and see his steps along side mine, I find insight at times, comfort at others, but He is there and He understands. He is Patient with me and loves me, just like the next person. He loves my imperfection.

So instead of fighting Him all independent like, thinking I should be able to do it on my own, or like I have something to prove. I should take a breath, step back and allow Him to hold me. Allow myself to be taught. I need to be humble.

Excited

This year is going to be an exciting one for me! My parents are moving closer! Yes! I might even have a sister move closer! I can't begin to express the joy I am feeling at the moment!

The thought of this is so heart warming, because I grew up surrounded by my mom's family. My Aunts, Uncles and cousins were all close enough that we could go to each others baptisms, missions farewells, homecomings, thanksgiving dinners and get-togethers several times a year. I have warm memories of going to my grandparents and picking fruit off their trees, or working in my grandfathers wood shop. There are memories of sledding down the hill in my aunts back yard or digging for China. I remember watching my younger cousins during the summer months and throwing them in the drier (No worries, we added plenty of pillows and blankets to keep from any harm occurring...this was back in the day when all you had to do was hold a button with your finger and turn it on as well.) There are memories of cousins playing house, and beauty salon to top things off.

I know things will nott be just like back then, but I also know that my children will have to opportunity to make memories of their own, and I can hardly wait!

Lifted Weight

It's been a while. Sorry about that.

I am trying to make some changes in my life and it is taking a while, but I am seeing progress. Last year I did 40 bags in 40 days. I had found the idea on Pinterest and loved the idea! I worked on it throughout the year, and my house is feeling lighter this year. I have a friend that also suggested Fly Lady to me. I will admit the emails are overwhelming at times, however they do remind me I can start here and I am not behind.

The past couple of weeks I have noticed that my home is not as overwhelming to me as it has been in the past. I even find myself saying as I finish something (small or big): "This puts me just a bit further ahead of the game." It used to be that when I looked around my house it was too much and I would give up before even starting. I had people tell me I could go onto "Hoarders". My house didn't have walk ways, but there was little organization.

I had a fiend visit the other day and she told me my house is looking more loved. It made my day. Not only am I feeling the results of the past year, but others are beginning to notice. I am a far cry from having my home in perfect order but, it is beginning to not feel overwhelming and more like my space, rather than not.

This year I am going to do 40 bags in 40 days and also continue with Fly Lady, lets keep this up.