Kesha - This Is Me (from The Greatest Showman Soundtrack) [Official Audio]

This song hits home to me today. It says my feelings better than I have ever been able to express them myself.

Before I entered your picture I had already been created. Before coming to earth we had a loving Heavenly Father who took the time to create each of us...individually. He placed in each of us our own desires, our own perspective, our own opinion, and gives us our own experiences to shape us and mold us so we can become the Sons and Daughters He sees in us.

In this life we cross each others paths which contribute to the continuation of our being molded and formed. Before I entered your path I had been placed on my own. Like you I have feelings. I have had experiences of my own that play a roll my ever developing perception of further experiences that confront on my path...just as you do.

You want to be treated like a human...so do I. I am doing and giving my best. You cannot compare or expect my best to be anything you yourself have given. Nor I yours, its simply impossible.

Please don't expect me to be something I am not, especially when you don't even know what it is you want, nor take the time to know who I am. And please don't make accusations without understanding that you are also new in my picture.

If we were to take several steps back we would both realize that neither of us own the picture or painting we are creating. It is much bigger than you. It is much bigger than me. If you have a problem with me don't assume that it is my problem. I have come to understand that you are not mine. Rather my problem is my perception. Turn to the Savior and He can help you see what you aren't seeing for yourself. Just as He is doing for me. We are each a work in progress. Heavenly Fathers masterpiece in the making.

Fragile

Monday I talked to my sister-in-law. She is heart broken. My brother has left her. I was shocked. Blown away to be for sure. My life story is becoming more and more complicated. What I used to see as black and white is becoming smeared and smudged. People are all shades of gray. God is who paints the colors. Wounds turn to scars...over time. The scar remains to remind us of past pain and shows us we have prevailed and endured the pain. Not necessarily with grace, and certainly not with out feeling. (Oh to feel...)

Some scars are on the surface for others to see. Some are hidden. Others are seen as beauty marks instead of blemishes. Some scars are light, and others dark and ugly. Some scars remind of past choices and mistakes. Yet others are from the choices and actions of others. It doesn't diminish the pain felt in the moment.

Speaking of moments. Moments are crazy things. One moment you are flying on top of the world. The next moment you have face planted. If you believe in God you know He is there to lift you and help you brush off...if  you ask for His help. One moment you believe there is something more out there, and the next moment you feel left alone, with no where to turn, no one who can understand. We cherish some moments, looking back in fondness and love. Others are painful and and yet they can teach us things only taught through experience alone.

Tomorrow will be a new day. The picture that was supposed to be will be changed...again but just as real as ever before. What will I make of my master piece in the making? What will you make of yours?

Today I heard a friend had a miscarriage.

I had one six years ago. My advise after a miscarriage?

Hang in there. Live. Feel. You are going to be a little off for a while. I can't tell you how long, but I can tell you you aren't alone and it won't be forever. There are many others who have experienced your pain. Don't let people to tell you to get over it. It is a loss. Take your time. You will have good days and bad days. It is alright. It is part of the human experience. Don't tell yourself you are going to be fine, there are going to be days you do better than others. I suspect this would be the same for any other loss. You had dreams. You anticipated a future with that little one. It is okay to have a bad day, week, month or year. Pray. Others are praying for you as well. You will find healing and peace with time. Just take it moment by moment, day by day.

Thoughts on Being a Step-Parent

A friend of me is doing an assignment for class about step parenting and asked me a couple questions: 

-Ask the parent to describe the pros and cons of step parenting.  
-If the parent had to do it again, what, if anything, would they change?  
-What advice would they give to couples that were just starting?

Here was my response just in case you were wondering:

• When I first married my husband I took a lot of things personal. I had pictured I was going to be this perfect step-mother. The first year was hard...for everyone. I brought with me new rules, and the kids were excited to have me there until I was actually there. I felt like I couldn't do anything. I was accused of trying to erase memories of their mother and when it came to creating traditions it was hard. They had theirs already established, and the older kids wanted nothing to do with mine, nor did they want me to be a part of theirs.
• Pros Children are already raised, I didn't have to give birth to them.

  Cons Children are already raised, and I didn't give birth to them.

  I remember I was going to write a book about how being a step-parent didn't have to always be awful, how it depended on attitude and stuff. My cousin who is a writer came over one day and I asked her to read what I had written. I thought she would tell me how unique I am or something of the sort, but as she read the things I struggled with she turned to me and said: "This isn't anything a biological mother wouldn't write. You are having the same struggles I am having with my teenager."

  Now I know my situation is unique in many ways, but I am realizing she is right. I feel like Heavenly Father has been teaching me not to take everything so personal.

  With the three younger children I feel like we have developed a respect for each other. I love them like my own. The two older children have made it a little more difficult to feel that way about, I love them, but am a bit reserved. The difference there I believe is that I have lived with the younger children, where I haven't with the older ones. We see each other on Holidays. They need someone to take out their anger and hurt and I happen to be the lucky winner. However I think that would be the case had it been anyone else.

  I don't know that I would change much. I have been far from perfect in being a step mother. But I have grown a ton from it. Some of that growth has been extremely painful and I would not wish it on any one even my worst enemy, but I look at others trials and wouldn't trade either.

  The advise I would offer? If you don't believe in a God you might want to start. I have turned to Him more times than I can count. Pray for the children who are being placed in your care. Don't take things personal even if they are intended to be personal. If you hang in there and continue to love them they will one day thank you for being a part of their lives. Don't judge the children's behaviors, your are being judged as well, the good thing is God knows our hearts, better than you will ever know theirs and vice versa.

  For the couple love each other unconditionally. There will be many times you don't agree with each other. Keep communication open with your spouse, trust your spouse. Trust your children. Trust instincts. and when you feel like walking away don't. The first year I spent a lot of time in my room. I went from single, to mom of 5. I remember begging my husband to let me go home to my parents and letting him and the kids have their own Christmas. He never said no, but he did tell me I might regret it if I did. I am glad I didn't.

  We have been married for 8 1/2 years. While that is not 50 by any stretch of the imagination, I intend on it being close to that as does my husband. I have seen the children grow a ton. They say the same of me. I say hang in there when times are rough. Rely on prayer, because God knows you and those children individually better than any one else. He will help you out, or send people your way who will be wise and have wise advise. There will be others as well.
• There you go.

Precept upon Precept

The other day I was sharing with a friend what I had felt the Lord has been trying to teach me. I shared it with you two entries ago. You know where there are people placed in my circle who don't want my help. As I explained to her how I had been feeling she interrupted me and told me that there may be another way to look at it as well.

Through my learning I had felt I should just pull away from individuals and give up on them. While agreeing with me this friend gracefully disagreed, but not telling me I was totally wrong. Instead she said that there was another way too look at it. It was alright to take a step back. It is quite possible that the Lord needs my emphasis else where. Namely in raising the children I have in my immediate care. I need to put my emphasis on being a wife and mother.

Anyone not with in that realm are bonus. There are those who don't want my help at this time. I can't help them at this time, and it is okay. It is not expected of me to do so. Right now God does expect of me to teach my children, to raise them up and help them to have a place of refuge from the world, a place where they know they are loved unconditionally.

While thinking about this I think I am beginning to understand something else. While there are those I would love to help and lift now(who aren't ready to receive that hand that I have stretched out for them.) God has place others who are capable of doing that which I can not. There is the possibility that one day those individuals will realize my attempt and be grateful for it. So instead of giving up on them, per se, I need to focus on the task at hand. In the future if an individual changes their mind, I can be prepared to receive their change of heart, because I too allowed the Savior to work on me.

A couple of years ago I had told my husband I would rather be in hell than have to deal with some personalities. He told me that was the most selfish thing he had heard me say. (I felt like that was a slap.) Over time I am discovering how selfish that thought really was. Not only was it selfish, but it was allowing the adversary to win. If I am doing the best on my part to do good and return to Live with Heavenly Father, the Savior is going to help, and he will make up the difference for me. Not only will he do this for me, but for my brothers and sisters I don't always agree with.

That being the case, If there is someone I can't necessarily work with at the moment, it is okay to turn them over to the Lord. Who knows better how to handle them than the Savior. For that mater, who knows better how to handle me? Now if He can handle any one of us, than why do I have to assume things are going to be so uncomfortable in the next life.

All in all, His expectations of me are to give Him my best. After I have given my best He will make up the difference. This does not excuse me from being kind to others and trying to help them.  It does however give me the power to move forward. We did fight for our agency in the first place. We continue to, so why not use it to rely on the Savior and learn to become like him. I know some of this sounds like babbling, but some of it may make some sense as well.

Thanks for understanding...if not some what.

Quandries on Life

Lately I have been looking back on life and forward, and have had all these thoughts. So I thought I might share some of these thoughts with you. I will forewarn you this might be bland or a little dreary to some though It is what has been on my mind. Consider yourself forewarned.

Family dynamics is always interesting, everyone has them and every one's is different, yet we can all relate. There is enough common that we can almost always find common ground with someone else. I realize there are exceptions, there are always exceptions in life.

In the media we see so much abuse, so little respect for life, for others, it seems to always be about "me". Parents kill children because they are an inconvenience, spouses beat the other as a power trip. Parents beat children because they forget what it is like to be little, or don't want to be reminded. Sometimes there is just severe neglect, maybe a parent feels they don't have time for a child, because that child needs designer clothes. Or family is neglected because there is excitement to be found else were.

People are always effected by others choices. My children are effected by how I choose to spend my time, heck, I am effected by how I spend my time.

Looking about me I see people who are almost enslaved for whatever reason. When I look at these people it is easy for me to lose hope and faith. It is weird to me that some of these individuals that are suffering, or who have had their time on earth cut short due to the choice of another, that they may have to deal with that for a whole life time. Won't God save them? Doesn't He want better for them?

I was thinking about this this morning an I had a thought I would like to share. I would be happy if you share your own thoughts as well.

For me it is comforting to know that God's plan is so complete that He has already taken these individuals into consideration. Children who die early due to the abuse, or neglect of their parents whom they fully rely on are saved through the atonement of Christ. Those who are older and experience abuse or neglect of a spouse or someone they have trusted have also the ability to find comfort through the atonement. The atonement can not be miss used. It is to help us heal, forgive, and be forgiven. When correctly applied we can find peace and live our lives knowing there is an end to the ugliness the world seems to deem as normal.

As of yet I do not have all of the answers. I believe there are those out there who are going to be greatly surprised when they are called forth to meet their maker. However I believe also there are many who are going to find great relief and comfort when they meet their maker.

Often I have to remind myself that Heavenly Father has tailored our lives to us as individuals. The only thing he asks of us is obedience. There are days that may be harder than others. But if we turn to Him and His Son, He will help us through those hard times. He will place in our paths others who can help lift us.

It is so important to remember that faith with out works is dead. Why? Because we are His hands! If we aren't doing our part when we are able, then we are not demonstrating Faith in His plan for us. He does not expect us to move mountains. He does expect our best. Where we are lacking is where the Savior comes in and can lift us.

This may be a jumble, but it is what has been on my mind as of late. I am so thankful for the completeness of the Lord's Plan for us!

A Thankful Post

I have so many things to be grateful for, so lets get started!

1.   First I am thankful for the Savior. He lives and loves me.
2.   I am thankful for my husband! He is my perfect match, my best friends and (I wll keep this PG)
3.   I am thankful for the family I have been blessed to be a part of!
4.   I am thankful for my parents who raised me in the gospel.
5.   I am thankful for each of my siblings.
6.   I am thankful for each of the children placed in my care, be it by birth, or marriage, I am truely blessed!
7.   I am thankful that I am able to stay home with my little ones and watch their firsts and exploration of this
              world around them.
8.   I am thankful for the talents I have been blessed with.
9.   I am thankful for the many friends I have been blessed to have in my life.
10. I am thankful for the blessings of the Temple in my life.
11. I am thankful for a living prophet.
12. I am thankful for leaders who love me.
13. I am thankful for teachers who love their jobs, and the children they teach!
14. I am thankful for men and women who have sacrificed and gave their lives so I could experience the
              freedoms I have to day!
15. I am thankful for answered prayers.
16. I am thankful for inspiration in its many forms.
17. I am thankful for childrens laughter.
18. I am thankful for tender mercies.
19. I am thankful for forgivness.
20. I am thankful for my weaknesses, they remind me I am only human, and they keep me humble.
21. I am thankful for children's insight, it is enlightning, inspiring, and sometimes good for a chuckle.
22. I am thankful for flowers.
23. I am thankful for seasons.
24. I am thankful for naptime, be it for me or the little ones.
25. I am thankful for sunny days.
26. I am thankful for rainbows. They are reminders of promises made.
27. I am thankful for the records found in the Scriptures.
28. I am thankful for moments of meditation, where I can think and ponder as I wish and recieve
              personal inspiration, or revelation through the spirit.
29. I am thankful for the restoration of the gospel in our modern day, the knowledge that God indeed does
              communicate with his children and still loves us.
30. I am thankful for God's eternal plan. It is so complete!