This Years Shenanigans!

Okay, so my "getting better" at writing hasn't happened.

I am still here. This past year, and less has brought a TON if changes! It has been both overwhelming, and rewarding. My parents have moved out here as has my youngest sister. I hate to say it, but I dreaded it. I have been out here for 10 years and have established it as MY territory. I know, that sounds selfish maybe, but it was real. I have come to appreciate and love having them closer!!!When they just drop in it is usually a pleasant surprise, and when it isn't, I still enjoy it.

Our youngest from the first batch of five left home for a mission at the end of the summer. Oh I was so ready for him to leave and spread his wings else where. I miss him everyday. Who knew? He is loving his mission and the people he serves. I can see his growth in his letters. It is fun to see how the lord works in and on our lives.

My youngest started school this year! I was counting down the days all spring, I had this crazy itch, like it may never actually happen yet it did. I miss him. He is my mamma's boy and my little shadow. I used to think of all of the things I would actually be able to get done with him in school. Sadly I will tell you I haven't even began it. Part of that is due to the depression I have been dealing with. The other part is due to the fact that life just continues to keep happening. and usually not as I have pictured it happening. Dang.

One of the turned blessings is having my parents, my sister and her family closer. My children are developing relationships with them. I am loving that! My parents offer to help with the kids at the most convenient times. My sister drops in and invites me to do shenanigans with her, and vice versa. Growing up she was 5 years younger than me and I don't have a lot of memories of her. So I am loving getting to know her better and her kids. So much fun!

I am trying to figure out what my purpose is right now. I am thinking of taking on a very part time job. I have found one where I when I am asked to work it will be the same hours my kiddos are at school, same days off as them and many other great blessings. I love being a stay at home mom, and with this one I will be able to be there ANY time my kids need me. So, it is perfect.

However, when thinking about taking on this job I have a little voice nagging in my head. Ugh. So I am trying to decide where I can be the most available for what the Lord needs me to do. *sigh* I am thinking though, if I take this job, I won't have time to shop. I have been a shopaholic. and I shop for things of little consequence. So. I just don't know. at least with the money I make I can pay back some of my debt. I dunno.

At church I was made the ward chorister, and I am loving it. it is more laid back then all most any calling I have had previously. I love it because the people I am serving always have great suggestions and are great to work with. (if only we could get more...)

Well, That is a handful of the changes I have experiences this year. The most exciting one will actually take place sometime next year! I am going to be a grandma!!! You heard me right! I am excited beyond excited...and a little (only a little) weirded out...I feel like I am still in my late 20's, early 30's. My youngest is beyond over joyed, because he could become an Uncle on his birthday. Now that would be awesome, we do need to see what the Lord has in store though...LOL!

It's hard to believe it is almost September!

This year has been crazy! Good but crazy. For a couple of years I have been dealing with depression. I had not been suicidal so I wasn't sure I was really struggling with depression until this spring when I hit rock bottom. It scared me...a lot.

I was trying to do everything they tell you to do. I was going to the gym, trying to eat healthy, I tried being better at reading my scriptures...I was doing all I could to avoid medication and counseling. Probably because that would mean that I really did have some sort of problem.

Finally I reached a point I realized I couldn't do it any more. I broke. I was given a light medication, and accepted counseling. I had a great Doctor who helped me find a great counselor. At that point I had to trust that it would be a good fit. I don't think I would have really known what to look for, and I wasn't in a place to do the research.

Through this experience I have relearned how aware of us Heavenly Father is. He knows us by name. He loves us. His love is pure. He is there to catch us when we find ourselves spiraling out of control. It is a process through which He is patient with us and readily available to help at all times. He has picked me up and carried me often. I am so blessed to be surrounded by wonderful family, friends and for a Father who knows how to tailor everything so perfectly for our individual needs.

I'm not perfect, but I am getting better. I have felt more like myself than I have in ages and it feels good. I will try to be better at writing more again.

Today I heard a friend had a miscarriage.

I had one six years ago. My advise after a miscarriage?

Hang in there. Live. Feel. You are going to be a little off for a while. I can't tell you how long, but I can tell you you aren't alone and it won't be forever. There are many others who have experienced your pain. Don't let people to tell you to get over it. It is a loss. Take your time. You will have good days and bad days. It is alright. It is part of the human experience. Don't tell yourself you are going to be fine, there are going to be days you do better than others. I suspect this would be the same for any other loss. You had dreams. You anticipated a future with that little one. It is okay to have a bad day, week, month or year. Pray. Others are praying for you as well. You will find healing and peace with time. Just take it moment by moment, day by day.

New favorite song!

Just thought I would share it.