Kesha - This Is Me (from The Greatest Showman Soundtrack) [Official Audio]

This song hits home to me today. It says my feelings better than I have ever been able to express them myself.

Before I entered your picture I had already been created. Before coming to earth we had a loving Heavenly Father who took the time to create each of us...individually. He placed in each of us our own desires, our own perspective, our own opinion, and gives us our own experiences to shape us and mold us so we can become the Sons and Daughters He sees in us.

In this life we cross each others paths which contribute to the continuation of our being molded and formed. Before I entered your path I had been placed on my own. Like you I have feelings. I have had experiences of my own that play a roll my ever developing perception of further experiences that confront on my path...just as you do.

You want to be treated like a human...so do I. I am doing and giving my best. You cannot compare or expect my best to be anything you yourself have given. Nor I yours, its simply impossible.

Please don't expect me to be something I am not, especially when you don't even know what it is you want, nor take the time to know who I am. And please don't make accusations without understanding that you are also new in my picture.

If we were to take several steps back we would both realize that neither of us own the picture or painting we are creating. It is much bigger than you. It is much bigger than me. If you have a problem with me don't assume that it is my problem. I have come to understand that you are not mine. Rather my problem is my perception. Turn to the Savior and He can help you see what you aren't seeing for yourself. Just as He is doing for me. We are each a work in progress. Heavenly Fathers masterpiece in the making.

Today I heard a friend had a miscarriage.

I had one six years ago. My advise after a miscarriage?

Hang in there. Live. Feel. You are going to be a little off for a while. I can't tell you how long, but I can tell you you aren't alone and it won't be forever. There are many others who have experienced your pain. Don't let people to tell you to get over it. It is a loss. Take your time. You will have good days and bad days. It is alright. It is part of the human experience. Don't tell yourself you are going to be fine, there are going to be days you do better than others. I suspect this would be the same for any other loss. You had dreams. You anticipated a future with that little one. It is okay to have a bad day, week, month or year. Pray. Others are praying for you as well. You will find healing and peace with time. Just take it moment by moment, day by day.

Just Be Held

I came across this song by Casting Crowns last night. The timing was perfect. I have had this theme on the brain a lot lately. Many times in life I have found myself feeling comfortable. Shortly after recognizing this it seems that things change unexpectedly and go in a direction I hadn't planned or sometimes things just become uncomfortable.

Through these times of change and discomfort I am learning that when I turn to the Lord the storm may not instantly cease, however, through Him I can find peace, comfort and direction. He helps me ride out the storm a little more gracefully. I am finding as I go through these storms there are lessons I can take from them. I am not always graceful, and it is okay. I don't always understand where things are headed, and that too is okay. However when I turn my trust to the Lord I can usually look back and see his steps along side mine, I find insight at times, comfort at others, but He is there and He understands. He is Patient with me and loves me, just like the next person. He loves my imperfection.

So instead of fighting Him all independent like, thinking I should be able to do it on my own, or like I have something to prove. I should take a breath, step back and allow Him to hold me. Allow myself to be taught. I need to be humble.

Words

In my last post I made a mistake. I said words are temporal. Really, the problem is that words are not temporal. Once they have been said and heard, they can not be taken back. Words are permanent. It is the feelings behind those words that are temporal. Things can be said out of hurt, out of anger, or frustration...Words are used to express what we feel, think, imagine, experience.

The lesson I have repeatedly learned lately is that we should only speak worlds of love, comfort, kindness, gratitude, cheer, we should build others up... you know the saying, we have all heard it: "If you cant say anything nice...don't say anything at all." I am beginning to believe parents don't just say this to make life difficult or lay on a guilt trip. Whoever started this phrase experienced for themselves consequences, and it is quite possible they were trying to save us from self-inflicted future grief.

Words can crucify a person, yet give another hope. They can torment forever or give comfort in moments where we feel alone or in deep despair. Words can be recalled through experiences, moments, sometimes they just come to mind. It is said that actions speak louder than words. I believe this whole heartily, but I do believe this doesn't take the cut out of words, or the healing that comes from words. Especially when delivered by the right or wrong person.

With all of this said, realize there are moments in our pasts that we will regret, and have to deal with sometime. And when you are dealing with other peoples wills, sometimes we have to do all we can to make amends. Once we have done all we can, we need to turn it over to the Lord and let Him carry the burden. He knows how to mold us as individuals and he will help the other side understand... someday. And if He doesn't right away it is okay because He will.

With that said, I am learning we need to be sincere and kind to others. When we aren't feeling it, there is no problem with walking away. It is that simple. Don't give them the opportunity to say something they will later regret. If they follow you and taunt you remember you have a big brother on your side and really, if we are not needing His forgiveness at the moment, He can and will help us forgive the other person. That way our pack can be light weight rather than the heavy with the overbearing weight that comes from holding onto and embracing anger, hate, and animosity. He will replace those feelings with peace, love, comfort and at times even understanding.

Lesson Learned...Again.

We have all heard that our past can haunt us. It is true. Whether that past is intentional or unintentional, it will come up. In the case addressed in the title of this entry it is painful. I experienced pain several years ago and cried out in agony to anyone who would lend an ear. Sadly I realize this has happened more than once. Thus the Again part of the title.

There are consequences of every act we make...be it positive or negative. We can not choose when we will face those consequences. Why? Well for two reasons really. One, we are human. Two, the other side is also human. There are two sides to everything, the intended and the taking...

I am learning I can confide really only in Heavenly Father. He is the only being who honestly and wholly understands my heart. My words are inefficient for expressing those things in my heart. Words are as temporal as the feelings behind them. Not only that, but they may be intended one way and taken completely another way. Not because the individual on the other end is trying to ruin you, but because they take in according to the way they have already experienced or perceived. Really it goes both ways.

So I am beginning to understand why it is so important that we try to assume the best in others, forgive them their mistakes and not judge. More importantly we should not express feelings to others no matter how real, no matter how painful. Because tomorrow when we have moved on and forgotten those intense feelings, another that we have shared them with will feel them as new and will express them, reopenning wounds that were scabbed, possibly healed. Thus making it difficult for the offender or offended to move on. I feel like I am in an eternal hell at the moment. Really I can't do anything. My offence has been made and when an apology was made for that is all I really can do It goes on closed ears. I realize and understand what I have done.

Somethings are easier to turn over to the Lord than others. Even when they have been turned over The pain is real. I hate causing another's pain. Really I do.

A Lesson on Forgivness

Forgiveness is a lesson that continues to confront me. When I think I might just have mastered it (maybe?) I realize there is more to it still. Last night I was expressing some frustration on this subject with one of my children. I feel like I have forgiven individuals, but at the same time I don't feel I can trust them again. I grow tired of the pain they inflict. When the subject comes up it is a tender subject for me, my feelings are still fresh. As I talked with my son he shared with me some thoughts or ideas he has felt he has learned on the subject.As he Shared, it seemed to make sense.

We are asked to forgive others their trespasses. No where in the scriptures are we instructed to forget. We are instructed to use righteous judgement. If you know someone has a tendency and that tendency has repeated itself, you can judge that tendency. You don't have to put yourself in the situation of being lashed out at again. In forgiving an individual it is alright to remove yourself from future situations that can cause you discomfort, and that individual an opportunity to dig a deeper hole for themselves. In doing this you can find peace, and spare that individual sin.

In doing this it doesn't mean you go out of your way to flee them or turn your back on them. When they turn to you for help, you can treat them like children of a loving Father. In doing so we find the opportunity to exercise and develop charity, the Christ like love we have been commanded to desire and obtain. As we forgive we can find peace in turning it over to the Savior. The Savior can give us the tools to work with as we strive to become successful in our own dealings with life's little adventures.

It is amazing to me how keenly thought out Heavenly Father's plan is. He never takes from us our agency. As we learn to turn our will to His we can find peace in unexpected places by means we may not have considered. Strength can be found in those moments we feel we may buckle any moment to the weight of the world. What a blessing to have an older brother who loves us as He does, and Father who has trusted us as He has.

Update: In searching for help and comfort I came upon this article and thought I would make it available. https://www.lds.org/ensign/1991/06/of-you-it-is-required-to-forgive?lang=eng

His Grace is Sufficient...

Our Relief Society had a lesson on this talk today. I missed it because I was teaching a class of my own. I have to say though that I have learned a lot just from listening to it. I hope when you have a minute or two (actually a little over a half hour) that you will take a moment and listen to this. 

Brad Wilcox does and awesome job talking about what GRACE really is.

Love it!

Precept upon Precept

The other day I was sharing with a friend what I had felt the Lord has been trying to teach me. I shared it with you two entries ago. You know where there are people placed in my circle who don't want my help. As I explained to her how I had been feeling she interrupted me and told me that there may be another way to look at it as well.

Through my learning I had felt I should just pull away from individuals and give up on them. While agreeing with me this friend gracefully disagreed, but not telling me I was totally wrong. Instead she said that there was another way too look at it. It was alright to take a step back. It is quite possible that the Lord needs my emphasis else where. Namely in raising the children I have in my immediate care. I need to put my emphasis on being a wife and mother.

Anyone not with in that realm are bonus. There are those who don't want my help at this time. I can't help them at this time, and it is okay. It is not expected of me to do so. Right now God does expect of me to teach my children, to raise them up and help them to have a place of refuge from the world, a place where they know they are loved unconditionally.

While thinking about this I think I am beginning to understand something else. While there are those I would love to help and lift now(who aren't ready to receive that hand that I have stretched out for them.) God has place others who are capable of doing that which I can not. There is the possibility that one day those individuals will realize my attempt and be grateful for it. So instead of giving up on them, per se, I need to focus on the task at hand. In the future if an individual changes their mind, I can be prepared to receive their change of heart, because I too allowed the Savior to work on me.

A couple of years ago I had told my husband I would rather be in hell than have to deal with some personalities. He told me that was the most selfish thing he had heard me say. (I felt like that was a slap.) Over time I am discovering how selfish that thought really was. Not only was it selfish, but it was allowing the adversary to win. If I am doing the best on my part to do good and return to Live with Heavenly Father, the Savior is going to help, and he will make up the difference for me. Not only will he do this for me, but for my brothers and sisters I don't always agree with.

That being the case, If there is someone I can't necessarily work with at the moment, it is okay to turn them over to the Lord. Who knows better how to handle them than the Savior. For that mater, who knows better how to handle me? Now if He can handle any one of us, than why do I have to assume things are going to be so uncomfortable in the next life.

All in all, His expectations of me are to give Him my best. After I have given my best He will make up the difference. This does not excuse me from being kind to others and trying to help them.  It does however give me the power to move forward. We did fight for our agency in the first place. We continue to, so why not use it to rely on the Savior and learn to become like him. I know some of this sounds like babbling, but some of it may make some sense as well.

Thanks for understanding...if not some what.

In the Class Called Life

Have you ever felt like life presents you with the same lesson, only at different levels? It seems like when  you feel content, like you may have finally learned a lesson and should be able to move on...WAM!!! There is another degree to that lesson! Surprise! Why is it that I most indefinitely fail the first test?

Through out life I have been presented with this particular test over and over again. I think the Lord is trying to tell me something. Maybe that I am still imperfect. Maybe that even though life really is good, I need the storm clouds until I learn to dance and enjoy the rain rather than worry about the lightning. This past week has been  a slap in the face when it comes to being reminded of my imperfections.

With that said let me tell you a little lesson I am beginning to understand:

"I can not, in now way, and in no how please everyone."

With that understood I have come to realize there are unhappy people out there that are so unhappy they feel they need to pull anyone they can to their level. Trying to lift them in this state is useless. They love their pit of despair and would love you to join them. (It is a lonely pit after all.)

In the past I have been impressed with the thought that these individuals have others placed in their circle of influence who can lift them. No where in the book does it say I have to be that person. I don't have to be the person to grovel, nor do I have to feel bad if they reject me. I have people God has placed in my circle who understand I have weaknesses and love me despite those weaknesses. Not only that, but God knows and loves me despite my weaknesses, as he does those who have rejected my hand. Having God as a common lifter, builder and shape maker can and should be of comfort. Eventually I can be friends with these individuals if I am willing to be molded, and they are too. Eventually God will help us understand we are in this as a team rather than not. Until that time comes I must only work on pleasing Him, and giving Him my best. That, and giving Him my burdens before they feel to heavy too bear. 

As I learn to do this these lessons become less painful, and easier to bear. I do realize there are others I can please along the way. There are those with in my circle that can easily forgive and look past my short comings. They are not critical of me, nor do they look for everything I say and do as ammo for their disdain. Though I have felt alone at times, when I look up, God shows me the wonderful friends and family he has surrounded me with and I realize how blessed I truly am.

Another Lesson on the Atonement

The past couple of weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. No I am not pregnant or PMSing, though I would have preferred that for an excuse. Believe me.

As a parent I feel like I have done all that I can to protect my family from the storms that rage outside our home. It was made apparent to me that I was unsuccessful in one point. I experienced anger, rage, tears, feelings of inadequacy as a parent, I questioned if my life was worth living, because there is surely someone out there that would have done better than me.

While all of these emotions were fresh I was offered a blessing. In the blessing I was assured I was where the Lord would have me, and that He was aware of the situation. I was told that there would be divine justice, and then given other words of comfort.

When the blessing closed I did feel comforted, but still felt many intense feelings that I felt were mine to be felt. A couple of days later as I read my scriptures I was reading where Alma the younger was teaching his rebellious son(who later became an amazing missionary) about the plan of salvation. I was reading where the Lord has consequences assigned to our good and bad deeds, and they are irrevocable. In finishing this Alma told his son not to let that worry him, but rather his sins. He needed to let his sins bring him to humility and unto repentance.

While reading that chapter I realized that the Lord will bless my family. If I stay on coarse and continue to raise my children in that coarse. Where I lack, the Lord will take the slack.

Again today as I was reading about the Nephites being attacked by the Lamanites, and how Captain Moroni was able to protect the people by turning to the living prophet for counsel, I realized something more. The Lord has provided me with all of the tools to rise above the crap the world flings at me. If I utilize these tools not only will I be able to protect myself, but I will be more able to protect my family.

So what are the tools that I speak of? First personal prayer and scripture study. Second I am blessed to live in a day with living prophets upon the earth. If I listen to and study their words I will receive direction and inspiration for my family. Third we have been counseled to have family prayer, scripture study and family home evening. As I make time for these things and apply them it does not reassure that we won't be "attacked". However it will help us to be prepared and give us the strength to stand ground during strong storms.

Through all of this I have found more comfort. I have felt the love the Savior has for me and my family. And while I still have my inadequacies and battles to fight there is comfort in knowing that I have the Savior on my side. That He loves me and wants to help me. That He has felt the things I feel and is willing to help me not only carry my burdens, for they are not mine alone to bear, but He is willing to take them.
I am so thankful for the Savior and His sacrifice. I know that He lives. I am so thankful for the completeness of the Plan of Salvation. I know that I am blessed to live in this day and age. I am grateful to participate in the blessing that come with this. In Christ's name. Amen.

Quandries on Life

Lately I have been looking back on life and forward, and have had all these thoughts. So I thought I might share some of these thoughts with you. I will forewarn you this might be bland or a little dreary to some though It is what has been on my mind. Consider yourself forewarned.

Family dynamics is always interesting, everyone has them and every one's is different, yet we can all relate. There is enough common that we can almost always find common ground with someone else. I realize there are exceptions, there are always exceptions in life.

In the media we see so much abuse, so little respect for life, for others, it seems to always be about "me". Parents kill children because they are an inconvenience, spouses beat the other as a power trip. Parents beat children because they forget what it is like to be little, or don't want to be reminded. Sometimes there is just severe neglect, maybe a parent feels they don't have time for a child, because that child needs designer clothes. Or family is neglected because there is excitement to be found else were.

People are always effected by others choices. My children are effected by how I choose to spend my time, heck, I am effected by how I spend my time.

Looking about me I see people who are almost enslaved for whatever reason. When I look at these people it is easy for me to lose hope and faith. It is weird to me that some of these individuals that are suffering, or who have had their time on earth cut short due to the choice of another, that they may have to deal with that for a whole life time. Won't God save them? Doesn't He want better for them?

I was thinking about this this morning an I had a thought I would like to share. I would be happy if you share your own thoughts as well.

For me it is comforting to know that God's plan is so complete that He has already taken these individuals into consideration. Children who die early due to the abuse, or neglect of their parents whom they fully rely on are saved through the atonement of Christ. Those who are older and experience abuse or neglect of a spouse or someone they have trusted have also the ability to find comfort through the atonement. The atonement can not be miss used. It is to help us heal, forgive, and be forgiven. When correctly applied we can find peace and live our lives knowing there is an end to the ugliness the world seems to deem as normal.

As of yet I do not have all of the answers. I believe there are those out there who are going to be greatly surprised when they are called forth to meet their maker. However I believe also there are many who are going to find great relief and comfort when they meet their maker.

Often I have to remind myself that Heavenly Father has tailored our lives to us as individuals. The only thing he asks of us is obedience. There are days that may be harder than others. But if we turn to Him and His Son, He will help us through those hard times. He will place in our paths others who can help lift us.

It is so important to remember that faith with out works is dead. Why? Because we are His hands! If we aren't doing our part when we are able, then we are not demonstrating Faith in His plan for us. He does not expect us to move mountains. He does expect our best. Where we are lacking is where the Savior comes in and can lift us.

This may be a jumble, but it is what has been on my mind as of late. I am so thankful for the completeness of the Lord's Plan for us!

The Atonement

When we want to be different but find it hard is when we need the Lord most in our lives. Whether we are angry with the world, angry with ourselves, angry at an individual, whatever the circumstances. I have had a recent struggle. It was both personal and shared. Individual in the fact that I had been holding a lot of feelings in that needed out. Shared in the fact that I let them out, but in a very disdainful manner.

As I have tried to work through this, other "things" were directed at me that hurt. These things only made me more angry, and feel more justified for the feelings that had been expressed by myself. I had no intention of letting those feelings be exposed. However a situation arose and the anger was exposed.

In all honesty I thought to myself, "This must be what a damned soul feels." I asked for help. I was counseled to speak with my husband and do a lot of praying. Then in a meeting this past weekend we were reminded that doing just the simplest of things will make us strong and help us through our difficult times. There were four simple steps. 1. Prayer. 2. Studying the scriptures. 3 Obedience, and 4. Service. I don't remember all that was said on each of those, but I will share with you what I learned today.

I have been trying to be prayerful through this whole ordeal. I have been trying to read and apply the scriptures to myself.(A funny side not is that I have been reading the war chapters). I have even tried to be obedient. However, I have found myself looking in and being totally consumed with the happenings of the past couple of weeks that I have not been able to look out and see who may be struggling as I am.

In a conversation with my husband where I was expressing some of my anger and hurt, when I finished he lovingly said: "I worry because as you express this it only seems to anger you more." He was right. I had been feeling the anger building up as I went. I began to pull things from the distant past to justify. I decided not to express anymore. Today I stopped by his office he made another comment: "You know, I know it makes you feel good when this individual asks you to make her a special dish, I bet it makes her feel good that she can request it and know you are more than happy to make it." That was the end of that conversation, and we changed scenes per sei.

Later when I had some time to rest and think to myself I thought that is not the only thing this individual has ever done to give me warm fuzzies. Instead of letting this individual hear the things that hurt, maybe I could put emphasis on the things this person has done to raise me up. I was actually able to come up with several things.

I think I need to begin a tradition my mother had with me and share it with those around me. Have you ever heard of Operation Nice? It is similar. Only instead of random acts of kindness for strangers, she would do random acts of kindness for family and friends. This would be a great way to look outside myself and serve others. I know I don't have many readers as of yet, but I hope that if you are ever feeling overwhelmed by anger, frustration or whatever, know first that it is alright as long as you recognize it and are trying to do differently. Then I would suggest that the four steps above can also help. It may not change everything, but It will change your heart. That I think is the workings of the atonement.