Christmas

I expressed on here a couple of weeks ago a fear I had of the holidays...Christmas in particular. More like a dread. An apology is in order. But in doing so I would like to share with you what a wonderful Christmas we have had.

To start, i think my biggest fear was seeing what the results or consequences of the way things went down later this summer. Last time I had experienced a similar situation, I  had thought the situation had been resolved long before Christmas. However, I found how wrong I had been over Christmas. I dreaded finding that would again be the case.

I will show to you that my fears were in vain, they were extremely far from being the case this year. The daughter I was dreading the results from, made all of her gifts this year. She designed some cool T-shirts for her brothers, jewelry for her youngest sister, and a really cool stuffed animal out of a toe sock for the little man. She put together an awesome collage of updated pictures of each of the children for their Dad's office. I have to say though that my gift was by far the best. She made a beautiful receiving quilt for the baby when he comes! I love the fabrics she picked out for it! The inside of the quily is warm and soft, the perfect gift to wrap a winter baby in.

This Christmas was a great one for the whole family. I will admit, there was one disappointment, but it was quickly forgotten. In reality then we don't have to count that one right? *grin*

There is one regret on my part. I held hard feelings and so didn't do too much this holiday. I will make it up this next year I hope. Lucky for me I have a big brother who over looks my flaws and short comings when I turn to Him, and helps pull me out when I feel I am sinking. And really, isn't He the reason we celebrate this time of year? What better gift could I give Him than a contrite heart?

Life

Man, its hard to believe Christmas is already this week! last Friday I was looking at my calendar and that is when I realized I had just a week till Christmas! I seriously thought I had two or three. Where has the time gone? I know I have passed through all of the holidays this year up to date. But this end of the year thing is really sneaking up on me! Until I looked at my calendar I was thinking I was still in November...(all I can do is shake my head, I know.)

I guess it is good that time is flying. It means I am that much closer to holding this little one in my arms rather than carrying him on my gut...lol. I am looking forward to seeing his little personality as it developes oh, and there is the part of seeing what he looks like. I should probably start thinking about packing and preparing a space for him to come home to so his Dad doesn't have to do it all. Usually by this point in my pregnancy I have made my list, checked it twice and have the bags by the door ready...Event though there are several weeks ahead of me.

My side of the bed could use a good cleaning so we have room for the bassinet. The crib is ready. I hate to admit it, but might as well. The crib had become a storage unit for out grown clothes, diapers, and some miscellaneous merchandise. Thanks to my little lady searching for one of her long lost toys the crib is now cleaned and prepped for baby(other wise it may not have happened for another couple of months.)

With this pregnancy I have been feeling so scatter brained it is embarrassing. I would like to think of myself as responsible and reliable, and hate to admit I have been far from that this past couple of months. The memory is just about gone. I have had to ask people to remind me of the simplest things. My mother joked it is because the baby is sucking out my brain. A friend of mine explained to me something that made sense and left a little more hope..lol. She told me when you are pregnant more of your blood is going to the baby and less to the brain. Thus the pregnancy brain thing. The hope that leaves me is indescribably comforting at times. There is hope I will be able to remember things again!

This is some of what is going on at the moment. We are mostly ready for Christmas...I can't think of much else that needs to be done. Gifts were sent today. Stocking staffer's were purchased Saturday. I would like to do something to show my appreciation for the little lady's teachers, they have been patient and very fun.

I was released from my calling at church Sunday. I am feeling a little lost. I will miss working with the children at church. They all have special spirits about them. It is fun to watch them grow from such a short distance. I know the women who are taking my place are great though. The children are in good hands. I haven't really attended the other meetings regularly since...I was single...lol. I can pretend to be in the adult world again for a little bit. Though I really had no problem with being apart of the world I was.

Well, there you go. Some of the most recent thoughts. I hope you are all ready for the holidays, here they are! Just in case I don't get on here before them, Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!

A Week of Adventure

Well, it seems this week has been full of adventure after adventure! My Children are keeping me on my toes!

We have had "The Adventure of Tooth Paste". My little lady was in the tub and I thought I would run down stairs for a moment. After a few short moments I hear laughter and know I am in trouble. After hitting the stairs as fast as a fat pregnant mama can, I find my little man squeezing two new tubes of tooth paste into the tub, as my little lady smears it all over the walls of the tub. She had already used it as lotion on her face and arms. I wonder if there are benefits for the skin when using tooth paste?

Our second adventure, "The Indoor Pool Adventure" was brought to us again by none other than my little man and little lady. I thought they were playing well together and thought it might be safe to take a cat nap. I awoke hearing my middle of the older boys exclaim :" You think this is funny!? I am going to be late to school." I walked in to find at least 2 gal. of water poured out onto the floor, and some jello stirred into the mess. I have to tell you how blessed I feel that my older boy was willing to help clean up a lot of the mess. I can't say enough what a lucky girl I am.

We had the "Kitty Adventure". My little lady decided she and my little man were going to be kitties. She had poured two bowls of cereal and two heaping bowls of milk for the kitties to eat and lap from. My little man wasn't impressed with where he had been stationed and thought it to be good to relocate. In so doing he spilt most of his milk on the floor. *sigh*. I know it could have been worse.

The final adventure was last night. A group of friends and I try to get together for a girls night once a month at someones home. The designated home this month was mine. My husband helped me ready the house. Just after mopping, my daughter poured some milk on the floor. My little man was playing a game of throwing a bag of pasta down the stairs. I had asked him to stop. Suddenly there was an explosion of pasta at the bottom of the stairs. Instead of snow this year I am seeing in the forecast milk and a variety of other items.

My only regret is not pulling out the camera. Then when these two little ones grow and  have adventures of their own with their little one's I would be able to remind them of the adventures we had. Black mail would even be a possibility...lol! May I add I can't wait until I can keep up with them again? Seriously!

Feel free to share some of your adventures with me. I hope you all have a great day!

Mondays....

As of today I declare there should be a law against Mondays. Maybe if there was a different name for the day? It is only the morning, and I am already wishing the day was drawing to a close.

My little man climbed into bed with us way too early this morning, which means I didn't sleep all that well. I am to the point it is not easy for me to just drag him back to his bed any more. He is a growing boy dang it. Later I woke up and thought I would attempt the day. I had a head ache, but wanted to see my hubby off. Both of the little ones were up and on the run. They were playing together well. After my hubby left I thought it might be safe to take a cat nap to nip the head ache.

Less than half an hour later I awoke to the middle of my older boys asking the two little ones with utter frustration in his voice "why they thought they were funny". And explaining that he was going to be late to school. I went in to see what the deal was. My little man had poured 2 gallons of water all over the floor, and the little lady had added jello to the concoction. They had spread it all over the floor. My young man helped me clean up most of it before he left. What a blessing.

I decided to repent the two little ones could go and clean their already messy room. I finished in the kitchen and my daughter came out to inform me she had done number two in her bed this morning. Ugh. I had her strip her bedding, and go to clean up(it took her 45 min. to clean out her pants). When I went to check the progress on their room...well, I wont go there I am sure by saying it wasn't any better is enough. I fed her lunch and took her to school.

Now I realize I am not the first mother to experience this, in fact I am sure there are others who have had it a lot worse. But I wish my last little one was here and I could run after these guys better! I know I will be looking back at this day and laughing hard, maybe ion just a couple weeks. I just wish they went about getting my attention in a more positive manner. Is there a way to put that request in and have it recognized?

I hope your Monday goes better than mine has started. I will work on being more positive in the next one.

I know, I talk about my little man a lot, but here is something that just makes me grin. Each morning his oldest brother comes up, ruffles the little man's hair and says good morning. And each morning the little man sticks his tongue out ans spits at his biggest brother. It has became the humor the eldest son and I look forward to each morning.

This morning went quite a bit differently. I will share the conversation with you.

Bb: "Hi little man!"
Lm : "Hi Big Bruder, you my fwend."

A bit later in the day later as they are passing each other on the stairs biggest brother tripped over little man, and this is what is heard:

First there is a little bit of crying then:

Lm: "ptht! You my frwend."

He is warming up to his big brother a little bit. Good sign. It warms one's heart. I guess I should explain that biggest brother was in Brazil when little man was born, and practically the first two years of his life. It is quite probable that little man is thinking "Who the crap is this guy trying to butter up to me, just thinks he can invade my life." Who knows exactly what he is thinking, but it is fun to watch him warm up.

Gratitude

Here are some things I am thankful for:
1. The Plan of Salvation and its completeness.
2. The Savior. Boy am I ever grateful he did his part.
3. My husband. He loves the Lord, our family and I love to hear him share the things he learns!
4. Our children. They are great kids, the big ones and the little ones that have come later. Seriously all good examples to one another.
5. Friends. I have some friends I wouldn't trade for any others.
6. Our families health.
7. The scriptures. Each time I read them I learn a new lesson. They are like my personal liahona, it is amazing.
8. Modern day medicine. With this last pregnancy I have been grateful to know that we have these things to help us out.
9. The priesthood. There are so many blessing to list under this one. I am glad i have three men at beck and call when one of the little ones are not so well.
10. The different seasons life presents to us for growth. Especially how Heavenly Father helps us adjust and learn, patiently at our side.

Thanksgiving

We had a great Thanksgiving! It was fun getting to know my future daughter-in-law a little better. Our young man has found himself quite the gem. We mostly hung out around the house, had a lot of good grub and visits.

The whole week has been a fun one, on Monday I took my little lady on a field trip with her class. They went grocery shopping for the feast they were holding for their families the following day. The children put the whole menu together them selves, and it was impressive. While at the store they were all well behaved and willing to help at every opportunity given to them. My group happened to be the rowdy one, but they were a blast all the same.

Tuesday was the big feast, Dad, I and the little man were able to attend. The feast began with the children performing some fun songs they had learned the past month. My little gal kept her eye on me the whole time and sang with all of the gusto she could muster. It was fun, then they had all of the family members in attendance gather in a circle and do the turkey poky, how fun is that? When we had worked up our appetites with the song and dance it was time for the feast.

The children had put a lot of thought into their menu. I believe all food groups were covered. We had hot dogs, chicken nuggets, black olives, cantaloupe, mandarin oranges, pork and beans, chocolate chip cookies and ice cream. It was a meal divine. We were able to eat together and meet some of the little lady's new found friends. It was a great time.

Wednesday a friend of mine came over for a play date. Our children are mostly the same age and get along pretty well. We had a nice visit and she helped me get some things ready for the up coming year. I felt bad, she had brought something to work on as well, but it didn't go as planned. It was nice to be able to visit and get something done at the same time though. I am glad she was able to come over.

In the evening the hubby and I worked on pies and watched Bewitched.

Thursday we finished the feast and enjoyed the fruits of our labors.

Yesterday a friend of mine called me and included me in a random act of kindness. I had a blast, I was able to do some things I have been unable to do just because of the season of life I am in. As a stay at home mom I have been enjoying watching my children grow. it seems like you get caught up in it and forget that there are other things out there we can do. It was fun getting together with a couple of sisters and using some rusty skills, brushing them off and seeing they aren't so rusty after all.

So we have had a great week. I hope you have also had a great week!

Ultra Sound

This past week I have been trying to convince my husband that the image in my last ultrasound is our child. A humanoid. He first claimed it looked like a lamb. Tonight as I was pointing out the little ones features he said: "Let me show you what I see." He then goes to point out the features that sound like that of a K-9. What!?

With today's technology I just don't get how he can't see it. It is comparable to an old black and white picture from the 1800's, only better. This is the first one I have had that seems so clear. The little on shares his sisters mouth and one of his brothers nose. It surprised me how clearly it all showed up!

As he finished showing me his interpreting of the picture I assured him that it was his child. As I walked away I pondered whether I should be insulted, or if he had insulted himself...lol! One of the older girls says if it is a dog we should name ot Spots.

The past couple of days have been worrisome to me. My little man has been burning up and just not himself at all. He seemed to be achy all over, he complained everything hurt. He just wanted me to hold him all afternoon. Thursday is when it started and by bed time he seemed to be a little better, but yesterday he was worse. He wouldn't let me get a good temperature reading, nor was he accommodating at taking some Tylenol.

By the afternoon we decided it to be a good idea to take him in to the Dr. They ran all sorts of tests on him. they did a strep test, that wasn't the problem. They did a blood test, it showed a low white blood cell count but it didn't show anything unusual. The stuck a tube down his nose to collect mucus samples, and that test came up negative also. After poking and probing my poor little guy for 1 and 1/2 hours we were sent home not knowing any more that we went with. The Dr. Said she had seen a couple other cases like this and it lasted 2-3 days, "Just make sure he gets salt in his diet and drinks plenty of liquids."

We came home and he slept off and on the remainder of the evening.

This morning he woke up back to his old self. He came and cuddled with me for a moment and then was off tormenting his sister and brother, and letting them torment him. It s good to have him back to normal.

Some Random Thoughts

My mind has been every where these past few days! When I say everywhere, there is absolutely no exaggeration, here I will share some of the where abouts with you. Hang on! Are your seats buckled? Fasten them, we are off!

The baby will be here in a couple of months. Shortly after his arrival I will be losing two of my older boys, one to a mission and one to college out of state. My daughter has been loving preschool. The thing is my little man. I am trying to decide whether or not to pull my little gal from preschool so my little man won't feel abandoned when I have to direct more of my attention to his new little sibling. In the past I have had my children in late spring and I have the older siblings around to help with the adjusting, and my husband out of class for a month or so. However, with this little one on the way I will have my two oldest boys gone, the younger of the older boys will be in school and my husband will be back into teaching, and if I keep her in school my daughter will be back to school. So there is one direction of thought.

Earlier this fall I found some fun fabric to make a quilt for the little one who is about to join us. Whenever I think of working on it something comes up. My day is kind of ruled by others lately, I enjoy them, just wish I had some time to do the things on my mind. Then when I had some time this morning, I am unable to find where I strategically placed the fabric...I'm still looking for it in fact.

A friend of mine has opened a gift shop and invited me to contribute whatever my little heart desires. When I heard of this I had so many plans, many more ideas and a plethora of overloaded brain. So here I am sitting here a month later with very little done or contributed.

On to the next direction. I haven't been sleeping well lately, partly because of all of these thoughts and partly because when I am pregnant I get claustrophobia. At night when my husband turns over I wake up cause I am afraid he is invading my space (Poor guy). Every time I wake up I feel like I have to use the bathroom, and it seems to be on the hour every hour. Last night I may have found a cure for this imparticular item of business, I used ear plugs and was able to sleep through the night.

My eldest sons fiancee is coming out this weekend and staying for a week. While I am excited, I am also worried. Our son works 2nd shift, so what am I going to do to entertain her in the afternoons and evenings? I am sure she has things she will want to do. I am just not sure what my role will be, and to be honest with you, being a stay at home mom has taken some of my social skills to a different level. If you want to discuss children, cooking, crafts, etc I can chat. But I am out of the loop right now with a lot of other things. I might be able to fake it. We shall see.

Last concern, or thing running circles around my mind. Two years ago I had a falling out with one of our older girls before the holidays. For Christmas that year I received the game Family Feud. I still don't find this humorous. I thought amends had been made and we had moved on. Apparently not the case.This year the same child and I have again had a falling out. I didn't initiate it this time, but I didn't hold anything back either. She received my feelings in the raw. I have tried to make amends, and they seem to have been received. However I would just like to have Christmas to be pleasant for everyone and I am just forgotten for Christmas this year, I don't want a sarcastic gift again, I would rather receive nothing. So while I look forward to the Holidays I am also dreading it.

There are some of the places my mind continues to go when on its rounds. I wish I could just be on top of my game and feel a bit more settled is all. And there you have it, thank you for joining this ride. Vomit bags are to the left as you step off, I hope you had a nice ride. Please come again.

Dr Appointment

Well this appointment went better than the last. It looks as if my placenta is moving, so there is hope! I am not completely out of the red persei, but its moving. The little one was shy, he kept covering his face, and kicking the machine. I think he was wanting to rest. That is the update.

Baby Names

This morning I was having a moment with my little man. A bonding moment. We were talking about how he is going to be a big brother like his big brothers. He has a little brother waiting to come out and play with him. I told him what we were thinking of calling the baby. He disagreed with the name. I ran a couple more names past him and he disliked them all.

Finally I asked him what he thought we should name the baby. His reply was great! "Name it Robot Egg, den nobody wiew eat it again Mommy."

So, does he think that I have already eaten the baby and that is why it is in my stomach? It is intriguing to me to see how the minds of little ones work. I enjoy the laugh that comes with the intrigue.

My little man has been on one all day today! This morning his big brother came up and said good morning to him. My little man hit him, he was hit back and so he kicked him. He has been mean to sister all day. I had some family friends come over and the first thing he does is tells them he doesn't like them, and then is mean to them. This is how it has been all day....off and on all the past week too.

I have tried to do the time-out thing, I have tried to swat him, but then he thinks it is a game, ugh! This afternoon I was fed up with it so I called him a little imp of misery. His reply was classic however: "I not my sistua!"

I have a feeling some of this is just trying to deal with the idea of having a new sibling in the near future. I will tell you we are having some moments. I am hoping it will pass soon.

He is usually the cutest little guy and can win over any ones heart. However the past week or so there has been a lot of hitting, kicking, pulling sisters hair and all of the things you would not see a cute little guy doing. It is almost like I bragged about them being best friends too soon. I hope that isn't the case. I hope this is just a late intro to terrible two's, or will pass with the coming and settling of a little sibling.

Fall

It is finally beginning to feel like fall out here in the mid-west! My husband brought in the last of the garden the other day and we are beginning to think in the direction of Christmas. I am trying to not get to far ahead of myself, but usually we have began our shopping by this time of year. This year we have been looking forward to having our future daughter-in-law out for Thanksgiving, and that is about where the mind has been.

I took my little gal out Christmas shopping this afternoon and I have to say, she is quite creative in her choices. I think some of her older siblings are going to have a good time when they open their gifts this year. She thought seriously about each of them and came up with some fun things. Oh to be young again.

This year has been great! I have been able to watch the leaves change. It seems in the past fall didn't reach the beautiful rich colors of reds and oranges due to the freezes we would have. So I have been in awe this year to watch the colors change and the leaves fall. Each season of the year is enjoyable, but I especially love the colors of autumn!

Well, we had a fun Halloween! We took the children trunk or treating at our church. There were a lot of games and activities for the children. It was fun seeing all of the costumes this year! But everyones favorite part is the trunk or treating. My hubby took the little ones around from car to car while I maned our trunk this year. When all was finished there had been cauldron set up in the middle of the parking lot with a huge fire burning in it. Everyone gathered there to check out their plunder and chat about the nights activities.

When all was done with the trunks, my little man raced over to the group around the cauldron and continued searching for treasure. He hit up several other kids for their candy before I was able to catch up with him. One of the other children was generous and parted with unwanted candy willingly. I had a hard time keeping a serious face while explaining the night was done and it was just time to play.

We had a great Halloween. I hope everyone else did as well.

Mixed Emotions

The other day I woke to hearing my two little ones laughing and enjoying life. I absolutely love hearing them enjoy one another, I think they are each others best friends and hope it stays that way. They enjoy mischief together more often then I would like. A sure sign of that mischief is often their laughter of delight. After hearing them laugh for quite a while, I thought I ought to go see what they were up to this time.

In the past when I have gone in to check on the cause of their delight, I have wanted to crawl into a hole or call a cleaning service. Like for example the time we found a whole container of Parmesan cheese sprinkled all over the table and kitchen floors, or how about the time there was a swimming pool in my kitchen. I had walked in just after my little man had filled a cup with water and tossed it over his shoulder, readying himself for some more. There was a pool around his feet. I wanted to cry. Or how about the time I walked into the TV room to find all of my furniture had been redesigned with a purple marker. And what about the time I found them with two bags of chocolate chips and some marshmallows perched in front of the TV. These are the adventures we have had in our home. (I should start taking pictures for blackmail in the future.)

Back to the other day, I was delighted to find them on the floor coloring pictures together. You can only imagine the relief I felt as I looked around the room and found this to be their only activity of the morning. That was a blessed day. Phew!

Dr. Appointment

Well, I went to the Dr.s today. My Dr forgot she had ordered another ultra sound. My Placenta isn't moving up like it should. She did check it and it remains where it is. Ugh. I also failed the diabetes test and found out I am anemic. Boy, the joys of pregnancy.

Other than that life is treating me well. The kids are growing and enjoying one another. its good.

One of Life's Lesson's

Recently I have had an experience that didn't go at all as planned. When It happened I hurt someone dear to me. I have had a lot of mixed emotions as it all went down. I hated myself. I have said things with this pregnancy that I would normally keep to myself of let pass. After things went down I was upset, I hadn't intended for it to happen the way it did, hurt, angry, glad to have it off my chest, sad at the repercussions...mainly it has been a bit more painful than I would have liked.

I had asked for a blessing from someone unaware of the situation. Mainly this was for the fact that they would have to be directed by the spirit. I felt justified, but didn't want to be the person I was. In the blessing I was told that Heavenly Father was aware of both sides to the story. He was aware of my thoughts and intent. I was instructed to be prayerful and things would be healed in a loving manner and over time.

When I heard about the part of him knowing my heart and intent this scared me to death. My thoughts after it had happened had been all but Christ like. But I had this thought come to me this morning as I was thinking over the past couple of weeks. He has known me and those involved for all of our lives. He knew I wasn't going to do everything perfectly. He also knows how I have felt before things played out, during and how I am feeling now. He cares for me and the individuals the same. Because He knows each of his children He places us in situations that can help us grow(even if that growth is m ore painful than we feel we can bare).

I am glad He knows my heart. I am glad he knows the heart of other individuals. I am glad He is my final judge. And I am glad that his plan is so complete that He can help me out of even the biggest pickles I get myself into. I really couldn't ask for a better more perfect parent. I am glad he doesn't have the limited view I have. I am glad he allows me to hurt. And that when I turn to take his hand it is there.

Unexpected Thought of Inspiration

We had the missionaries over for dinner tonight. They thanked us like they haven't eaten for ages, told us it was good and all that and then left us with a new twist to a message.

First we were asked to think of who our favorite person is in the Book of Mormon, and then why. No Cheating, you can only have one. We were sitting in a circle and took turns sharing our characters and what we most admires about them. It was interesting to hear Each of the missionaries examples, and then reasoning. I enjoyed it.

When I thought it was over the missionary leading the discussion asked us to remember who we talked about, and then go around the circle again. This time we were supposed to share how we could better emulate the characteristics of the characters we admired. How it could bring us closer to Christ.

The conversation was good. It got me to thinking. there are so many personalities I admire in the scriptures. The Old Testament, New Testament, and Book of Mormon hold so many examples of men and Women who gave their lives or lived them in a manner to show us we too can make it. We can see how their lives were blessed, how God placed people in different situations for their growth and the growth of others. How can we put their lessons into our lives. One way I can think of for me personally is to not doubt that I will be blessed when I put my trust in the Lord. He will always be there for me. He has never let any of His followers down, why would I be any different? How could any of us expect any different?

The Spice of Life

My little man has been an absolute hoot as of late. He has a way with words like no other! Sunday at church the young men were passing the sacrament. His older brother was across the room, and a friend of his did our row. My little man yells for all to hear: "I want my food from my brother! Not dat kid!" I wish I could have melted away.

Later that day he walks in on dad doing some "paper work" in the "library". When dad finishes his business, my son runs out to me and announces: "Mom! Dad made a turd for you!" Yes! Now if I could get him to do the same we would be in good hands wouldn't we.

Last but not least we had been trying to put him to bed for just over an hour. First he comes into the room because he is scared. Then he is thirsty...hungry...not tired...I know others have experienced this as well. With exasperation I told him he was being a turkey and needed to go to bed, to which he retorted: "Mom, I not a tookey! I am Chicken nuggets!" What was I thinking?!

The other day during family prayer he was assisted by his father in giving, he translated "Bless the baby in Mommy's tummy" to "Bless the baby in mommy's butt." It was hard to stay serious after that.

So as you can see we have a fully expressive little guy on our hands. What will he come up with next? Who knows. Well, I hope this raises your spirits as it has mine. Have a great day!

Atonement III

This weekend a thought came to me. It brought comfort and the desire to understand a bit better the plan Heavenly Father has for us.

In my life three of my friends have done something that has broken the trust I have had in them. In the past I have forgiven these people and then been burned by them again, and again. It has come to the point where I feel it hard to put my trust in them.

This past year I have been pondering the atonement. We are told to forgive and forget. In the past I have tried hard to do both, but it is getting more difficult for me to forget. It is getting easier for me to distance myself from these individuals. I have gone through the feelings of them being toxic, self-centered, self-serving...individuals. Someone said they may think the same of me. That could be the case. I try not to be that individual, and so they to may be trying not to be that way as well.

In the past bit I have done what I feel I can to make amends but am still feeling detached. Yesterday as I was writing my feelings in my journal, trying to find appropriate words to express what I was feeling, I had this thought come to me. In each of these instances I have tried to help these people feel like they are apart of something, a group or whatever.

Through trying to help these individuals I have learned that I am a daughter of God, just as they are. As a daughter I need to rely upon and depend on Him. He alone knows my heart. These people have judged my behavior based upon their own insight, and some of those judgements have hurt. With that I have too made some judgements and found that I have been narrow minded in my thoughts.

Back to the thought I had yesterday. I have a husband who loves me despite my flaws. I also have a Heavenly Father who loves me. These individuals also have people placed in their lives who love them unconditionally and can see past the points I can't. They also have a Heavenly Father who loves them as he does me. It isn't my responsibility to help them if they don't want it. They may feel they don't need my help, and that is OK. As I am learning to rely more on my Father they too will, and someday He will help us reach the most righteous desires of our hearts. In that time I don't have to keep throwing myself into the fire. He will help each of us come to peace, and one day we will be able to become friends again. Until that day I am going to do my best and when I feel like I am sinking, I will turn to Him for guidance and direction. That is really all I can do. That is all that is expected of me.

The First Year

I have to admit that the first year of my marriage has been the most difficult up to date. Not just for myself in person, but also each of the children. There were a lot of adjustments and changes that we all faced. Some major and some minor, but all the same, adjusting and changing.

With any new relationship, I believe there are adjustments that are made for those who are involved. Some of the first things people run into may be with how to budget their money, maybe cleanliness if the living arrangements, how to squeeze the tooth paste, and then there are the day to day things. Who will do the cooking? Dishes? Laundry? Everyone's situation varies. How to raise children, which child rearing techniques will be used? These are encountered over a longer period of time as life presents each season. In our case, most of it happened the first year.

My husband and I have established many of the same underlying principles and values in our lives. We both love and do the best we can to live our shared religion. We both have the desire to serve missions together in the distant future. We both want to raise our children up to the Lord. These are a few of the common desires we have.

The differences usually become more apparent in the manner in which these goals are accomplished as children are brought into the picture. Usually one at a time, or at least one birth at a time. Usually the first child is the guinea pig, and with each child that comes the raising will become a bit easier or smoother. Maybe not, seeing as they are each so different at times, but this is the general idea I am talking about at the moment, bare with me.

In our case I had three guinea pigs. All in different seasons of their growing. While I was growing I imagined how my children were going to be "perfect". Don't get me wrong, I have great kids in my stewardship, but our ideas of what the perfect living arrangement might be differed. Only because one had already been established. With me I brought in new ideas (rules) and there was some rebellion on all of our parts with in that first year.

It was tough. I felt like I needed order. I would talk to my husband and find that the priorities were a little different from what I had been raised with. I shouldn't say they were different, but the method of gaining those goals was approached differently than what I was familiar with. I was drawing up all these rules. The children were doing a lot to show me they didn't accept these rules. When in reality, if I just talked with the children, presented my expectations, with a reason behind it, his children seemed to take better.

I also had to decide which "rules" were important to me, and why they were important. What was I trying to accomplish? Instead of trying to accomplish a master piece in one afternoon, why not decide on the color scheme I was going for, the scene I wanted to paint, and then set out on the project little by little. This would be less overwhelming for me and the children. And, if I had them participate in the choosing at times, it even made it a bit easier. What a revelation.

That first year I came into a home with an independent high-school senior, a young man going through puberty and a young boy who wanted more than anything to fit in with his big brothers but was the baby. Any of you that have experienced these three groups can imagine the dynamics that brings to trying to paint the "perfect" picture. Then to top things off, I was pregnant in that first year. What a mess we were in. We all survived. I know I learned a lot from that first year. I relied a lot on the Lord, and my Husband.

A Raised Heart Beat is Exercise Right?

Well, the point was proven to me yesterday. Children do keep you young. I had two experiences where my heartbeat was raised unexpectedly.

The first was that my second eldest son usually mossies himself home around 2 in the afternoon. If anything he comes home early. Yesterday around 4:20 he wasn't at home, I tried to give him a call and he had left his phone at home. Now, I do realize he is an adult and can take care of himself, but I have the right to worry. So, I did. I tried to get a hold of a friend of his who was still in class, then I called his dads office, and to make a long story short, just as I made my last call he walked in. He had told me earlier in the week that he had a dental appointment to ready himself for a mission. That is where he had been.

The last raising of the heart beat was more in excitement. The eldest boy came home from a trip to see his girl. He was acting a bit giddy and I had asked him if he had a good weekend. All he said at first was "yeah." He continued to act a little funny and then it came out. Guess what! He is engaged! We were able to meet her earlier this summer. She is a nice girl and so I have to say I am more than excited for them both. It was like Christmas last night, I was unable to go to sleep from all the excitement! The boy is past cloud nine, and I can hardly blame him.

Well, there you have it the proof. Kids can still keep us young.

Enlightment...

I mentioned that at one time I had began a book. I had many chapters written, and a cousin coming to town who does some writing of her own. I asked her to take a look at my writings and critique where she thought I might need some work.

After reading several of the chapters I had written she turned to me and said something that stung for a moment, but has actually came as really good advise over time. She told me: "What you are writing is nothing different from the experiences of a birth mother." I thought she must be somehow mistaken. I was a step mother and my experiences were unique right?

Over time however I have began to take that as a compliment. When I am feeling like I am being "mistreated" I realize that it is quite possible they would be treating their mother in a likewise manner. It makes it a lot easier to not take things so personally. This tid-bit has also helped me to realize that other mothers in all probability do have an idea of what I am feeling.

The only real difference between them and myself is that I walked into a full swing situation: teenage hormones, puberty, Senioritis, and all the stuff that usually takes its time to present itself to mothers. Where mothers have the have the opportunity to watch their children grow into and out of the different seasons in their lives. With that they may have a leverage on relating with the child, a bit better than I have with the children placed in my care.

One other thing that gives me comfort is knowing that Heavenly Father knew what me and each of my family members were going to go through. He knows my strengths and weaknesses, along with theirs. With that knowledge He will help us build one another up (if we allow his influence). And when we are in our weakest moments and fall short He will help us through them even if we see no way out ourselves. I am learning to be quite grateful for the atonement. What a great blessing, and I am probably only beginning to comprehend the blessings it provides us.

Atonement part II

When I last wrote about the going on's in my life at the moment I thought I had been able to turn everything over to the Lord. Apparently I still have some work in this specific case. I felt I was doing well, until this afternoon, and it seems a lot of the feelings have returned. It is like a storm brewing, raging inside me at times, and other days I feel the rays of warmth the atonement offers.

Everything I think I handed over to the Lord is back. Did I take it back? I certainly don't want it. Have I not dealt with it the way it needs to be? Obviously.

My husband found this quote for me the other day. "Don't let the workings of adversity absorb your life." ~Richard G. Scott

I understand why he shared this thought with me. I need it. I need to apply it to myself. The living prophets are more important to us than the dead.(I am not saying the dead one's are useless, as we search the scriptures the Lord can also use their words to speak to our hearts the things man can not.) I don't understand why I let this individual under my skin the way I do. Why can I not just brush them off? Why do I keep dwelling on the things this individual has said and done? I don't know. It is easier to put people behind you you aren't related to I think. Is that because they aren't so much in your face?

This entry is just to put my feelings some where other than my heart right now. As I don't have too many (if any) followers I am sure it will be lost.

I will continue to pray and ask for help with this millstone, and maybe one day I will be able to call it a mile stone.

Home Making...

In a previouse entry I had made it sound like I had very little to do with the house we lived in. In some aspects that is the case. However, with time and patience I was able to do a few things here and there to add my touch.

The two younger boys were sharing a room when I first married my hubby. Our house had very little storage, and walking int their room made this very much apparent. Many times I would find their things spilling out into the rest of the house. It drove me crazy...them too now that I think of it. I would get on them about keeping their things in their room while they were not in use, and I think they would look at their room and think: "Yeah, but where do we put it? It is out of our way here."

After racking my brains I remembered how in college I had had a bed on stilts. Under the bed I had a small dresser and a bunch of storage. I ran this idea past my husband, he liked it. The boys would still have plenty of room to play.

We presented the idea to the boys. One agreed to "try" it. The other however would have nothing to do with the idea.

My husband and I went and bought some blocks, dressers and shelves to put under both of the beds, just in case the one against it changed his mind. When we returned home we went to work on the first bed. The child agreed that it was pretty cool and invited his sibling in to see it. When the second one saw what a difference it made he opted for the transformation too.

What was funny to me was that the child who put up the most opposition in the whole thing ended up getting his own room a year later and asked to keep all of the stuff to lift his bed off the ground. It was more of a thumbs up for me than anything.

One other example of me being able to make some of the space "mine" was in the living room. I had mentioned the wall paper and my feelings towards it in a previous entry. We had vaulted ceilings in the living room that reached up to ten feet. The wall with the vaultiness was bare. I was trying to think of things I could do without tearing down the paper since that was not an option.

At one point my hubby had talked about building a library down stairs. While it all sounded good I kept thinking "everyone congregates to the living room, for homework, family time, reading, etc. It was the comfy room of the house. This brilliant idea formed in my mind of how I could hide some of the wallpaper in that room! Why not put a library in the living room. It was an elongated room and wouldn't make it awkward, in fact I thought it might enhance the room.

Once again I presented the idea to my hubby. At first I don't think he was real excited cause he had really liked the idea of the library down stairs. I mentioned how the older of the two boys sharing a room might not mind a room of his own. The space planed for the library would make a nice space for this son to stretch and be himself. With that my husband joined me and ran with the idea.

We presented it to the boys. They thought it would ruin the living room if we added bookshelves. But when it was mentioned that one of the boys would be getting a room of his own out of this idea, it became a little bit more of a warmer idea.

When we actually had the shelves put together and the books on display, the boy who put up the greatest resistance to the idea confided to me "You know, this actually looks good, and makes the room feel welcoming." Wow! I wasn't expecting that, I could have flown around to room several times without touching ground!

I just didn't want you to feel like I was left feeling imprisoned during the time we lived in that home. I was able to make a few things feel like "mine". There are some things I miss about living out there. I miss looking out the back window and seeing the chickens pecking at the ground. I sometimes miss the drive, it was a time to clear my mind when I drove to town on my own. I miss the neighbors and their country warmth. However, it is nice to be where I am now.

Pedestal's

Pedestal's. I am becoming less of a fan each day of these. Growing up I put many people on different pedestals. Through life some have fallen and others have proven worthy of the placement. However, I am finding, it is a dangerous place to place others and to be placed one's self.

Yesterday evening we had an event where different women were recognized for the courage and integrity they have exemplified through their day to day living. It was heart warming to see what others think of one another. The youth spotlighted individuals and shared what they admired in us adults. As an adult it was good seeing the traits recognized that we strive each day to posses.

The thing that is hard for me is that I have had several people express their admiration in me and I feel inadequate for that admiration. If people could see my heart at times they would see an individual who struggles with esteem. The person they would see is not perfect. She is not perfect, far from it to be precise. My vision at times can be quite limited. With that vision I have made judgements I regret. I have said things I regret. I am one who wheres my heart on my sleeve. It isn't always pleasant. I try to be better and yet I fall short more often than not. I would like to be perfect someday, but to be honest, there are days that perfection feels so far out of reach.

I talk of the atonement. I Try to apply it when I see I need it. But more often than not I feel like I fall so short. Giving up is not the answer, I know. The Savior didn't give up in the garden, nor on the cross. He could have walked away at any point. There just seems to be those times when I feel myself staggering under the cross I have been called to bare.When I look around, for those I thought might give comfort or aid, they seemed to have left my side. Am I looking the wrong direction? I should be looking up at those times I suppose. Lifting my voice or heart to my Father above.

Over all I wish people would see me as I am. Human. I am not part God as the Savior is. It hurts to fall, especially when the fall feels harder than what was expected. This is all.

Love and Marriage...

When I married my husband I had told him I had no problem living in the house he owned. I knew the expense of buying a new house. I also thought the kids had lost their mother, gained a Wicked Step Mother as I was titled shortly after my entry into the family, and probably would hate loosing their home too. At the time I sincerely felt it wasn't going to be a problem for me.

We had three of the children all at home, the three boys. I brought with me the little furniture I owned and it was all placed in the basement for when we found a place for it.

Let me preface this memory with something I can laugh about now. But at the time, well, not so much. My taste at the time was Mission style, clean cut, uncluttered, scarce(okay I will admit looking around today you would never guess this to be the case.) and maybe a little contemporary. Wall paper is not my thing because it is such a pain to change. It is hard to find a paper that doesn't date itself. The scarceness may have had something to do with being a poor college student before hand and not having much furniture to start off with. Cleanliness was something I had gained from living in South America for a year and a half.

Once when I had been visiting my friend she had been trying to decide on a wall paper and asked my opinion. It was a country style with pink and blue flowers on what looked like aged paper. I told her I thought it was horrid(probably a little too opinionated I know, but she asked.) She told me she thought of using it for an accent wall that would probably be it. It was her house, who am I to judge what she puts on her walls right?

So, three years later having married her husband, I walk into the home and realize this wall paper is not only on an accent wall, but all over the living, dinning, and hallway! Dang, she really loved the stuff! I could barely stand it, especially it being the only thing I saw in the main rooms of entertainment. It wasn't me. Her style was more the rustic, romantic, with a bit of country style.

So I would not be able to change that, but maybe I can make a space of my own. When I asked my husband his plans with the unfinished basement, he had it all planned and a space for me was not in those plans. When I brought up the idea of tearing the paper down everyone and the dog had an opinion...basically that opinion was I was trying to erase their mothers memory. Ugh.

I felt as if I lived in a hotel and could only touch the items I had brought in.The problem was I wasn't checking out any time soon and was not allowed to unpack. To top things off I was stuck with that putrid paper. Displaying anything of mine was fought against quite strongly. Changing any thing was a sure sign of my "real" intent, I was only trying to change a memory. It was obvious time was to stand still.

My husband tried to comfort me with "once he finished the basement I could decorate it however I pleased." I did not find comfort in this. One room would be a boys room, he would have an opinion(the strongest of them all). One room would be a family room that had my friends furniture all over it. One room would be an office/game room for the boys, and the final room would be a tool room for the hubby. My furniture would stay tucked in storage, never to see the light of day again(this is how I felt at the time).

One day I finally found a way to express my frustration with my hubby so he could understand where I was coming from. Our conversation went something like the following:

H: You can decorate the basement any way you want.

M: I know, but none of it is mine. It is all yours and my friends.

H: Just picture it as you have purchased someone else's home and now you can make it yours.

M: The difference is I can reject someone else's home, and look at another until I find one I like,
and when I decorate it to my liking, the children won't accuse me of trying to erase the
memory of their mother.

It was then he understood I needed something of my own, that the children and I could create as ours rather than what had been their mothers and it was not being stamped out by this wretch who seems to be trying to be taking over their world.

Once I was able to put this out there to be understood it was no longer something that bothered me. It simply was not an issue for me anymore.

Since this conversation we have moved. It wasn't with in that year but, two years later. However, having been able to have my thoughts expressed and understood helped life in my friends home feel much more bearable for myself.

My Play List

Each of the songs I have picked for my play list have inspired me at one time or another. They have helped me be strong when I felt week. They have reminded me of who I am when I have forgotten. Also when I forget my purpose they renew it. Music Makes us who we are. I believe it effects our moods, or actions and thoughts. I hope it inspires you as it has me.

The Atonement

When we want to be different but find it hard is when we need the Lord most in our lives. Whether we are angry with the world, angry with ourselves, angry at an individual, whatever the circumstances. I have had a recent struggle. It was both personal and shared. Individual in the fact that I had been holding a lot of feelings in that needed out. Shared in the fact that I let them out, but in a very disdainful manner.

As I have tried to work through this, other "things" were directed at me that hurt. These things only made me more angry, and feel more justified for the feelings that had been expressed by myself. I had no intention of letting those feelings be exposed. However a situation arose and the anger was exposed.

In all honesty I thought to myself, "This must be what a damned soul feels." I asked for help. I was counseled to speak with my husband and do a lot of praying. Then in a meeting this past weekend we were reminded that doing just the simplest of things will make us strong and help us through our difficult times. There were four simple steps. 1. Prayer. 2. Studying the scriptures. 3 Obedience, and 4. Service. I don't remember all that was said on each of those, but I will share with you what I learned today.

I have been trying to be prayerful through this whole ordeal. I have been trying to read and apply the scriptures to myself.(A funny side not is that I have been reading the war chapters). I have even tried to be obedient. However, I have found myself looking in and being totally consumed with the happenings of the past couple of weeks that I have not been able to look out and see who may be struggling as I am.

In a conversation with my husband where I was expressing some of my anger and hurt, when I finished he lovingly said: "I worry because as you express this it only seems to anger you more." He was right. I had been feeling the anger building up as I went. I began to pull things from the distant past to justify. I decided not to express anymore. Today I stopped by his office he made another comment: "You know, I know it makes you feel good when this individual asks you to make her a special dish, I bet it makes her feel good that she can request it and know you are more than happy to make it." That was the end of that conversation, and we changed scenes per sei.

Later when I had some time to rest and think to myself I thought that is not the only thing this individual has ever done to give me warm fuzzies. Instead of letting this individual hear the things that hurt, maybe I could put emphasis on the things this person has done to raise me up. I was actually able to come up with several things.

I think I need to begin a tradition my mother had with me and share it with those around me. Have you ever heard of Operation Nice? It is similar. Only instead of random acts of kindness for strangers, she would do random acts of kindness for family and friends. This would be a great way to look outside myself and serve others. I know I don't have many readers as of yet, but I hope that if you are ever feeling overwhelmed by anger, frustration or whatever, know first that it is alright as long as you recognize it and are trying to do differently. Then I would suggest that the four steps above can also help. It may not change everything, but It will change your heart. That I think is the workings of the atonement.

In The Beginning...

My husband and I were married 5+ years ago. We met through our church. His first wife and I became friends through the church I have to admit she really knew how to lift one's spirits. She was great at sharing past experiences with humor and helping you feel comfortable in her home. I really never paid attention to her husband. I remember him coming upstairs on one of my visits wearing plaid pants, a stripped tee with a paisley button shirt over the top. I distinctly remember thinking to myself "Its a good thing she married him, cause I don't think any one else would." (I am ashamed to say his first opinion of me was much more admirable.)

Three years later, when life had moved on, I found myself far from there in a whole other state. My sister called me one day and asked if I knew a person who had died from the town we had previously lived. I told her I knew someone by the name but they were too young to be found in the obituaries. Later my sister showed me the obituary, and sure enough, it was my friend. This friend had always talked of New Jersey. I had assumed that was where she was from. She was being buried not too far from where I was at the time so I thought I would go show the family support and pay my last regards.

When we arrived to where the burial would take place no one else was around. My mother, sister and I decided to wait a bit and see if any one showed, then we would leave thinking we may have had the wrong place. When we were about to leave my friend's husband and children arrived. When her husband got out of the vehicle I was struck with how handsome he was. I have to admit, this weirded me out. Here is my friends husband, he has five children and has just lost his wife.

It took me two weeks to convince myself nothing would come from this. I was 28 and decided to keep all options open where I was living. My friends husband would not be an option.

Several months later My parents received a letter in the mail from my friend's husband. At the end of the letter he had posted a message to me and then one to my father. He wanted to meet with my father to go to a restaurant he had bragged about the whole time we had lived in the same town as them. He then asked me if I would like to join him another night for a family activity. I wrote him back a letter telling him I would be happy to.

Several things happened between then and by the end of the summer we were married and starting a new chapter to both of our lives. Before we married I had prayed whether he and I would be compatible. I had the impression I already had the answer, why waste the Lords time. So there you go. There is no doubt that he is my perfect match. I am glad to have him as my companion.

When we married the eldest and a friend of ours threw us an open house to present us back to the old area. We lived in the home that he and my friend had built and established as their own.

Two Masters?

In the present I am having some personal struggles. I have always been a people pleaser. In this past year I have learned that it is impossible to please everyone.

It is like the scripture Matt 6:24 where we are told "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. "

I am finding there are different types of "masters". Depending on the season of our lives, those masters can change. Over all though there should be one Master in my life, and that is My Father in Heaven. When I only try to please him it won't matter what others are expecting of me and if I fall short. Through serving Him I can know I am on the right path and I can do my best to give him my best. There should be comfort found in this.

Where I fall short in serving Him a way has been prepared for me to overcome those short comings. The Savior has made it possible for me to overcome my weaknesses. The Saviors sacrifice I am learning is not merely for repentance, but to help lift our burdens that feel too heavy to bear alone. He helps me carry the yolk of life's adventures. When I turn to him, he is there for me as he was for Peter when he tried his faith in walking on water.

I will admit, I don't have this lesson completely engrained or down. In fact I have to be reminded of it frequently it appears. Sometimes it is easier to say things than to actually act on them. Maybe if I put this out here and read it myself a couple of times it will help in the process of applying it. When I fall I can pick myself up, and when I am feeling too weak, I can remember I have an older brother who wants to help. I only have to solicit for that help and he is there. And when I feel wounded by another the Savior can help me turn the other cheek, or even better walk away.

"Don'd dwell on those who let you down. Instead, Cherish those who hold you up."
~ Anonymous

Intro to My Life as a Step Mom

This blog is being started to replace a book I had once started and since lost. The intention is to reach out to others having this experience and let them know over time that we will all be Okay. We just have to take it a day at a time. Sometimes a moment at a time. I am hoping for feed back from others as I go along because there are times even my best friend, my husband, doesn't quite understand what is being said or done. I am a woman and have emotions, its all part of being a woman.

I have five step children. They are for the most part perfect. I could not have asked for better kids, or a better situation. I know some of my readers are dealing with the "other half" and it isn't easy, nor pleasant. The "other half" of our family story was taken to the other side of the veil less than a year before I began or started this 2nd half to our story. I had the privilege of knowing the mother of my step children and having her as a friend. I knew most of the children before hand through the friendship that I had had.

A profile of each of the children: The youngest was 6 when he lost his mother. He is a tender hearted child, sensitive to others and their feelings. He wants the family to be close and is growing to be quite a handsome young man. The 2nd to the end is a talented boy. Very mature in his thinking and is amazing with his half siblings! They absolutely adore him. The middle of the 5 was going through his Sr. year the year I married his father. You can only imagine the first year. He has grown quite a bit. I think his half siblings would adore him as well, only he has been away most of their growing, whether serving a mission, or off to college. The Second oldest is a girl. She is very good with children, school and life. She is sincere and is responsible in her decision making in most every aspect of her life, I have been impressed. The eldest is also a girl. She is a very social individual, good with her culinary skills, more whimsical in her personality, un-predictable, and enjoys making memories with her siblings. To me she can be a bit impersonal, but over all a good person.

A little about me, I am a stay at home mom. I enjoy sewing, scrapbooking, reading a good book. Laundry is relaxing for me and I enjoy washing dishes but hate putting them away. I enjoy socializing and meeting new people. I am expecting the final addition to our family sometime after the new year. When all the kidos are in school I plan on going back to school, and getting a degree. I would also love to serve a mission with my hubby someday.

My husband loves the Lord, his work and our family. The whole family. He and I have open communication. Once in a while we hit a wall seeing as I can be emotional, and him less so. This at times can be quit agrivating. He is very supportive as a husband to a step mother. I have talked to others who have not had this privilege and so I feel privileged to have him as my companion in this, life's adventure. We have been married for 5+years, and I hope to be forever more.

My two children are girl and boy. Both are strong willed, independent and have strong opinions. They have no problem keeping me busy. If it were their full-time job they would be raking in the dough no doubt.

So from here on out I am going to share more of my experiences as a Step Mom. I will do some reminiscing and also adventures from the present. For the time I am going to avoid the present because there are some hot feelings. They are fresh, and I would rather share them from a distance as to keep from un-wanted regret in the future. I am going to share the good with the bad, since painting a picture of flowers and rainbows is unrealistic when there are some storms and momentary disasters that happen in life with those flowers and rainbows. From these we can grow or be destroyed.

My hope is to continue to grow. And if I am lucky some of you will share your thoughts on both the good and bad times. I hope to find strength when I am at my knees and lift when I am standing. This is my sincere desire and purpose of this blog.