Saturday, October 22, 2016

This Years Shenanigans!

Okay, so my "getting better" at writing hasn't happened.

I am still here. This past year, and less has brought a TON if changes! It has been both overwhelming, and rewarding. My parents have moved out here as has my youngest sister. I hate to say it, but I dreaded it. I have been out here for 10 years and have established it as MY territory. I know, that sounds selfish maybe, but it was real. I have come to appreciate and love having them closer!!!When they just drop in it is usually a pleasant surprise, and when it isn't, I still enjoy it.

Our youngest from the first batch of five left home for a mission at the end of the summer. Oh I was so ready for him to leave and spread his wings else where. I miss him everyday. Who knew? He is loving his mission and the people he serves. I can see his growth in his letters. It is fun to see how the lord works in and on our lives.

My youngest started school this year! I was counting down the days all spring, I had this crazy itch, like it may never actually happen yet it did. I miss him. He is my mamma's boy and my little shadow. I used to think of all of the things I would actually be able to get done with him in school. Sadly I will tell you I haven't even began it. Part of that is due to the depression I have been dealing with. The other part is due to the fact that life just continues to keep happening. and usually not as I have pictured it happening. Dang.

One of the turned blessings is having my parents, my sister and her family closer. My children are developing relationships with them. I am loving that! My parents offer to help with the kids at the most convenient times. My sister drops in and invites me to do shenanigans with her, and vice versa. Growing up she was 5 years younger than me and I don't have a lot of memories of her. So I am loving getting to know her better and her kids. So much fun!

I am trying to figure out what my purpose is right now. I am thinking of taking on a very part time job. I have found one where I when I am asked to work it will be the same hours my kiddos are at school, same days off as them and many other great blessings. I love being a stay at home mom, and with this one I will be able to be there ANY time my kids need me. So, it is perfect.

However, when thinking about taking on this job I have a little voice nagging in my head. Ugh. So I am trying to decide where I can be the most available for what the Lord needs me to do. *sigh* I am thinking though, if I take this job, I won't have time to shop. I have been a shopaholic. and I shop for things of little consequence. So. I just don't know. at least with the money I make I can pay back some of my debt. I dunno.

At church I was made the ward chorister, and I am loving it. it is more laid back then all most any calling I have had previously. I love it because the people I am serving always have great suggestions and are great to work with. (if only we could get more...)

Well, That is a handful of the changes I have experiences this year. The most exciting one will actually take place sometime next year! I am going to be a grandma!!! You heard me right! I am excited beyond excited...and a little (only a little) weirded out...I feel like I am still in my late 20's, early 30's. My youngest is beyond over joyed, because he could become an Uncle on his birthday. Now that would be awesome, we do need to see what the Lord has in store though...LOL!

Sunday, August 21, 2016

It's hard to believe it is almost September!

This year has been crazy! Good but crazy. For several years I have been dealing with depression. I had not been suicidal so I want sure I was really struggling with it until this spring when I hit rock bottom. It scared me...a lot.

I was trying to do everything they tell you to do. I was going to the gym, trying to eat healthy, I tried being better at reading my scriptures...I was doing all I could to avoid medication and counseling, probably because that would mean I really did have a problem.

Finally I reached a point I realized I couldn't do it any more. I broke. I was given a light medication, and accepted counseling. I had a great Doctor who signed me up with a counselor and I had to trust that it would be a good fit. At that point I don't think I would have really known what to look for.

Through this experience I have relearned how aware of us Heavenly Father is. He knows us by name. He loves us. His love is pure. He is there to catch us when we catch ourselves speaking out of control. It is a process but He is patient with us and ready to help at all times. He has picked me up and carries me often. I am so blessed to be surrounded by wonderful family friends and for a Father who knows how to set everything up so perfectly for each of us.

I'm not perfect, but I am getting better. I have felt more like myself than I have in ages and it feels good. I will try to be better at writing more again.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Today I heard a friend had a miscarriage.

I had one six years ago. My advise after a miscarriage?

Hang in there. Live. Feel. You are going to be a little off for a while. I can't tell you how long, but I can tell you you aren't alone and it won't be forever. There are many others who have experienced your pain. Don't let people to tell you to get over it. It is a loss. Take your time. You will have good days and bad days. It is alright. It is part of the human experience. Don't tell yourself you are going to be fine, there are going to be days you do better than others. I suspect this would be the same for any other loss. You had dreams. You anticipated a future with that little one. It is okay to have a bad day, week, month or year. Pray. Others are praying for you as well. You will find healing and peace with time. Just take it moment by moment, day by day.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Christmas

This year has been wonderful! For the past few years I have dreaded Christmas. I was sharing this with a friend, because I know the way I respond to things is part of my problem. I anticipate things to happen(usually the worst unfortunately), and when things are said or done because of my preconceived ideas I respond negatively and in turn receive a negative response. Crazy how the circle repeats its self every year.

As I shared this with my friend she told me matter of factually that I should not "prepare" myself for what was to come, but rather pray for Heavenly Fathers help. She said she would keep me in her prayers. Following our visit I returned home, and half heartedly shared with Heavenly Father my concerns and then told Him honestly that I wanted to change on my part. I felt like I hadn't really given him much notice so it was possible He wouldn't hear me, thus the hesitancy.

Family began to arrive. Instead of hiding out and holding back like has become my custom I decided to go with my patient and loving husband to pick children up from the air port. I didn't force myself into any conversation, mostly just listened.  Instead of hanging back I joined things. But when I felt like I didn't want to I didn't let anyone make the decision for me. Christmas Eve my parents joined us for the first time ever, and it was a pleasant evening.

Christmas morning rolled around and as the opening of gifts began I realized everyone was happy and enjoying themselves. The whole day was peaceful and relaxing, we played games, chatted, and at times just did our own thing. There were a couple of times I bit my tongue but others have seemed to be able to do the same, and it has been completely different than what I had been envisioning the past couple of weeks.

Today one of our boys and I were talking. I was telling him I think this is honestly the best Christmas since I have married his father. He looked at me in surprise and said "I thought I was the only one to notice a difference." He went on to tell me he had texted his brother last night who was unable to come and told him this Christmas has miraculously had no contention and he was surprised.

I love answered prayers. Heavenly Father really does want our happiness. I am grateful for wise friends, a Father who cares and is patient enough to wait for us. I feel loved and blessed beyond words this year. Merry Christmas all!

Friday, November 27, 2015

This month is a month for reflecting on blessings and expressing gratitude.

I am thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who loves each of us.
I am thankful that He will be my final judge for He is the only one who knows my heart.
I am thankful I am blessed to be married to my best friend. He has a level head, he loves and honors his priesthood and family.I am blessed to be a part of his life.
I am thankful for the bonus children I have. They have helped me grow in unimaginable ways.
I am thankful for my children. I love watching them grow and flourish.
I am thankful for missionaries. they brought my parents to the gospel.
I am thankful for my parents accepting the gospel and sharing it with me.
I am thankful for the garden of friends I have had throughout my life. I am incredibly blessed.
I am thankful for flowers. They are beautiful, unique and brighten my day.
I am thankful for a brother who lovingly suffered for me and died so that I can find and give forgiveness.
I am thankful for the men and women who have made the freedoms I experience daily available for me.
I am thankful for living prophets who love God and Christ enough to not bow out when things get hard.
I am thankful for the scriptures and their teachings.
I am thankful for many answered prayers.
I am thankful for trials and blessings alike.
I am thankful for brothers and sisters who I can now enjoy the holidays with.
I am thankful for my play space where I can create.
I am thankful for men and women who have shared their testimonies and strengthened mine when I have felt weak.
I am thankful for temples.
I am thankful for the ability to feel fear, hurt, anger, peace, healing, happiness, sadness, trust, confidence....
I am thankful for other creative people.
I am thankful for good books.
I am thankful for others who are willing to share their stories to teach that with God anything is possible.
I am thankful for teachers and leaders who love my children. Who love me.
I am thankful for the completeness of Heavenly Fathers plan for each of us. and How aware he is of our needs and is there any hour, time or place. Mostly I have been grateful for his patience.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Last night our family was reading in the Book of Mormon, Second Nephi chapter 24. These are the Isaiah chapters, and I have a hard time reading them. In this chapter it talks about the millennial days, and about Lucifer, or Satan. It talks of all of his pomp and pride, but what stood out to me was as it describes Satan's fall this is said: 


16 They that see thee shall narrowly look upon thee, and shall consider thee, and shall say: Is this the man that made the earth to tremble, that did shake kingdoms?

I found this to be interesting. In the final days we will look upon Satan and wonder why we let him frighten us and destroy us. He will be a lowly spirit.

I wondered after I read this, why I allow him to have influence on me. Christ has already paid the price for me. I am worth the price he paid. That worth will not diminish unless I myself allow it to.

I love the stories of Peter walking on water, and the Woman with the issue of blood for 12 years. Why? Because they have faith enough to turn to the Savior. Peter only waited seconds, the Woman 12 years. And Yet Christ helped them immediately and provided any comfort that might be needed.

Back to the woman, just a thought that passed through my mind. For that 12 years that she suffered she didn't just sit and feel pity for herself. She saw many doctors, and did all in her power to be healed. Finally the thought came to her to turn to the Savior. There are somethings that only the Savior can do for us. And we are not expected to go through this life alone. It is true that our brothers and sisters can be His hands, we can be His hands, but if we don't turn to him, how can he direct those people to help us, or be directed to help our brothers and sisters?

I find myself often waiting much longer than is necessary to turn to my Savior. We are meant to do all we can on our part. But part of doing all in our part is actually turning to the Savior and trusting Him and His promises. Not only trusting Him but also believing Him when He has told us we are healed, or forgiven. He can not lie, He is the son of God.

These are just a few thoughts this past couple of days.