Thursday, June 29, 2017

Fragile

Monday I talked to my sister-in-law. She is heart broken. My brother has left her. I was shocked. Blown away to be for sure. My life story is becoming more and more complicated. What I used to see as black and white is becoming smeared and smudged. People are all shades of gray. God is who paints the colors. Wounds turn to scars...over time. The scar remains to remind us of past pain and shows us we have prevailed and endured the pain. Not necessarily with grace, and certainly not with out feeling. (Oh to feel...)

Some scars are on the surface for others to see. Some are hidden. Others are seen as beauty marks instead of blemishes. Some scars are light, and others dark and ugly. Some scars remind of past choices and mistakes. Yet others are from the choices and actions of others. It doesn't diminish the pain felt in the moment.

Speaking of moments. Moments are crazy things. One moment you are flying on top of the world. The next moment you have face planted. If you believe in God you know He is there to lift you and help you brush off...if  you ask for His help. One moment you believe there is something more out there, and the next moment you feel left alone, with no where to turn, no one who can understand. We cherish some moments, looking back in fondness and love. Others are painful and and yet they can teach us things only taught through experience alone.

Tomorrow will be a new day. The picture that was supposed to be will be changed...again but just as real as ever before. What will I make of my master piece in the making? What will you make of yours?

Monday, June 26, 2017

Wedding

We made it out to our Second daughters wedding. We left on Friday. One of our children was sick twice on the way out. I was sick all day Thursday into Friday morning. Friday evening they had a beautiful preception!

While at the preception the bride looked beautiful, and the groom very handsome. We had many friends from the past show up. It was great being able to catch up with everyone. The food was beyond delicious. The bride and groom had a considerable  turn out. I enjoyed meeting friends and colleagues, and cross paths with some I haven't had the opportunity to see for years.

On their wedding day we ended up having another sick child. We were able to run up and see our son who is serving his mission caught a quick hug or two, met his companion and then we were on our way back to my aunts where the child continued to be sick. I had hoped to be at the sealing and show my support and excitement for the new couple. My hubby told me it was beautiful and that he found what the sealer shared to be noteworthy.

In the end we ended up coming home earlier than we had planned so we could be sick in our own beds. Overall it was a great trip. It is a pleasure to see our family growing and expanding as it is. I pray that the new couple will be happy and continue to be a strength for one another.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

A lot of Happiness Happening this Year

I can hardly believe this year is almost to the halfway mark! Where does the time go? So many exciting things have happened this year or are in full-swing to happening, and they are all exhilarating!

I became a grandmother in January! Our oldest son and his wife added a beautiful little girl to our growing family! She has the most contagious smile! Our son and his wife are the cutest parents, they are doing great! The grand baby loves having her parents sing to her and she knows they love her to pieces. What more can a little one ask for.

Our Second daughter was unexpectedly swept away by the man of her dreams. It has been a pleasant surprise, and as a parent so fun to watch. He treats her like his queen, and she lives up to the title beautifully. They will be tying the knot here this month and we are so excited for both of them!

Also in January our Second son and his wife started a new adventure further from home. Luckily not as distant as the others. He is only 45 minutes away. It has been pleasant to see how he and his wife are becoming their own adulting selves. they are flourishing there, and everyone I talk to adores them almost as much as I do. I love it when others see in my loved ones what I see in them. even better is when they notice things I have not yet discovered. Seriously, the church is such a blessing!

Our oldest at home right now will be going into middle school this year! I am a little freaked out at how quickly these kids are growing and how life is in continuous change. Not complaining, it is fun to watch the kids flourish. I just wish there was a pause button, or slow button, that is all. I had been warned at how quickly things would go, however I didn't comprehend what that entailed, or that it applied to me as everyone else.

For mothers day our oldest planned a beautiful picnic at her mothers grave site with her siblings out there. I am sure their mother cherished the moment with her children close and those they are bringing into our family! We talked to our missionary, it was great hearing form him and seeing how he is growing, what a great young man! My children spoiled me as well.

I feel extremely blessed at this point in my life. I have an amazing family, both right here and extended. I am surrounded by wonderful people, friends and an extraordinary ward family.

Anxiety

Anxiety is a weird thing. I haven't felt it for quite some time. Then this morning...WHAM! I don't feel like I have anything to be anxious about, but I can't seem to calm myself. Being 41 is killing me! I guess every day lived is closer to death. Today though...*sigh*.

Saturday, October 22, 2016

This Years Shenanigans!

Okay, so my "getting better" at writing hasn't happened.

I am still here. This past year, and less has brought a TON if changes! It has been both overwhelming, and rewarding. My parents have moved out here as has my youngest sister. I hate to say it, but I dreaded it. I have been out here for 10 years and have established it as MY territory. I know, that sounds selfish maybe, but it was real. I have come to appreciate and love having them closer!!!When they just drop in it is usually a pleasant surprise, and when it isn't, I still enjoy it.

Our youngest from the first batch of five left home for a mission at the end of the summer. Oh I was so ready for him to leave and spread his wings else where. I miss him everyday. Who knew? He is loving his mission and the people he serves. I can see his growth in his letters. It is fun to see how the lord works in and on our lives.

My youngest started school this year! I was counting down the days all spring, I had this crazy itch, like it may never actually happen yet it did. I miss him. He is my mamma's boy and my little shadow. I used to think of all of the things I would actually be able to get done with him in school. Sadly I will tell you I haven't even began it. Part of that is due to the depression I have been dealing with. The other part is due to the fact that life just continues to keep happening. and usually not as I have pictured it happening. Dang.

One of the turned blessings is having my parents, my sister and her family closer. My children are developing relationships with them. I am loving that! My parents offer to help with the kids at the most convenient times. My sister drops in and invites me to do shenanigans with her, and vice versa. Growing up she was 5 years younger than me and I don't have a lot of memories of her. So I am loving getting to know her better and her kids. So much fun!

I am trying to figure out what my purpose is right now. I am thinking of taking on a very part time job. I have found one where I when I am asked to work it will be the same hours my kiddos are at school, same days off as them and many other great blessings. I love being a stay at home mom, and with this one I will be able to be there ANY time my kids need me. So, it is perfect.

However, when thinking about taking on this job I have a little voice nagging in my head. Ugh. So I am trying to decide where I can be the most available for what the Lord needs me to do. *sigh* I am thinking though, if I take this job, I won't have time to shop. I have been a shopaholic. and I shop for things of little consequence. So. I just don't know. at least with the money I make I can pay back some of my debt. I dunno.

At church I was made the ward chorister, and I am loving it. it is more laid back then all most any calling I have had previously. I love it because the people I am serving always have great suggestions and are great to work with. (if only we could get more...)

Well, That is a handful of the changes I have experiences this year. The most exciting one will actually take place sometime next year! I am going to be a grandma!!! You heard me right! I am excited beyond excited...and a little (only a little) weirded out...I feel like I am still in my late 20's, early 30's. My youngest is beyond over joyed, because he could become an Uncle on his birthday. Now that would be awesome, we do need to see what the Lord has in store though...LOL!

Sunday, August 21, 2016

It's hard to believe it is almost September!

This year has been crazy! Good but crazy. For a couple of years I have been dealing with depression. I had not been suicidal so I wasn't sure I was really struggling with depression until this spring when I hit rock bottom. It scared me...a lot.

I was trying to do everything they tell you to do. I was going to the gym, trying to eat healthy, I tried being better at reading my scriptures...I was doing all I could to avoid medication and counseling. Probably because that would mean that I really did have some sort of problem.

Finally I reached a point I realized I couldn't do it any more. I broke. I was given a light medication, and accepted counseling. I had a great Doctor who helped me find a great counselor. At that point I had to trust that it would be a good fit. I don't think I would have really known what to look for, and I wasn't in a place to do the research.

Through this experience I have relearned how aware of us Heavenly Father is. He knows us by name. He loves us. His love is pure. He is there to catch us when we find ourselves spiraling out of control. It is a process through which He is patient with us and readily available to help at all times. He has picked me up and carried me often. I am so blessed to be surrounded by wonderful family, friends and for a Father who knows how to tailor everything so perfectly for our individual needs.

I'm not perfect, but I am getting better. I have felt more like myself than I have in ages and it feels good. I will try to be better at writing more again.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Today I heard a friend had a miscarriage.

I had one six years ago. My advise after a miscarriage?

Hang in there. Live. Feel. You are going to be a little off for a while. I can't tell you how long, but I can tell you you aren't alone and it won't be forever. There are many others who have experienced your pain. Don't let people to tell you to get over it. It is a loss. Take your time. You will have good days and bad days. It is alright. It is part of the human experience. Don't tell yourself you are going to be fine, there are going to be days you do better than others. I suspect this would be the same for any other loss. You had dreams. You anticipated a future with that little one. It is okay to have a bad day, week, month or year. Pray. Others are praying for you as well. You will find healing and peace with time. Just take it moment by moment, day by day.