Kesha - This Is Me (from The Greatest Showman Soundtrack) [Official Audio]

This song hits home to me today. It says my feelings better than I have ever been able to express them myself.

Before I entered your picture I had already been created. Before coming to earth we had a loving Heavenly Father who took the time to create each of us...individually. He placed in each of us our own desires, our own perspective, our own opinion, and gives us our own experiences to shape us and mold us so we can become the Sons and Daughters He sees in us.

In this life we cross each others paths which contribute to the continuation of our being molded and formed. Before I entered your path I had been placed on my own. Like you I have feelings. I have had experiences of my own that play a roll my ever developing perception of further experiences that confront on my path...just as you do.

You want to be treated like a human...so do I. I am doing and giving my best. You cannot compare or expect my best to be anything you yourself have given. Nor I yours, its simply impossible.

Please don't expect me to be something I am not, especially when you don't even know what it is you want, nor take the time to know who I am. And please don't make accusations without understanding that you are also new in my picture.

If we were to take several steps back we would both realize that neither of us own the picture or painting we are creating. It is much bigger than you. It is much bigger than me. If you have a problem with me don't assume that it is my problem. I have come to understand that you are not mine. Rather my problem is my perception. Turn to the Savior and He can help you see what you aren't seeing for yourself. Just as He is doing for me. We are each a work in progress. Heavenly Fathers masterpiece in the making.

Fragile

Monday I talked to my sister-in-law. She is heart broken. My brother has left her. I was shocked. Blown away to be for sure. My life story is becoming more and more complicated. What I used to see as black and white is becoming smeared and smudged. People are all shades of gray. God is who paints the colors. Wounds turn to scars...over time. The scar remains to remind us of past pain and shows us we have prevailed and endured the pain. Not necessarily with grace, and certainly not with out feeling. (Oh to feel...)

Some scars are on the surface for others to see. Some are hidden. Others are seen as beauty marks instead of blemishes. Some scars are light, and others dark and ugly. Some scars remind of past choices and mistakes. Yet others are from the choices and actions of others. It doesn't diminish the pain felt in the moment.

Speaking of moments. Moments are crazy things. One moment you are flying on top of the world. The next moment you have face planted. If you believe in God you know He is there to lift you and help you brush off...if  you ask for His help. One moment you believe there is something more out there, and the next moment you feel left alone, with no where to turn, no one who can understand. We cherish some moments, looking back in fondness and love. Others are painful and and yet they can teach us things only taught through experience alone.

Tomorrow will be a new day. The picture that was supposed to be will be changed...again but just as real as ever before. What will I make of my master piece in the making? What will you make of yours?

Words

In my last post I made a mistake. I said words are temporal. Really, the problem is that words are not temporal. Once they have been said and heard, they can not be taken back. Words are permanent. It is the feelings behind those words that are temporal. Things can be said out of hurt, out of anger, or frustration...Words are used to express what we feel, think, imagine, experience.

The lesson I have repeatedly learned lately is that we should only speak worlds of love, comfort, kindness, gratitude, cheer, we should build others up... you know the saying, we have all heard it: "If you cant say anything nice...don't say anything at all." I am beginning to believe parents don't just say this to make life difficult or lay on a guilt trip. Whoever started this phrase experienced for themselves consequences, and it is quite possible they were trying to save us from self-inflicted future grief.

Words can crucify a person, yet give another hope. They can torment forever or give comfort in moments where we feel alone or in deep despair. Words can be recalled through experiences, moments, sometimes they just come to mind. It is said that actions speak louder than words. I believe this whole heartily, but I do believe this doesn't take the cut out of words, or the healing that comes from words. Especially when delivered by the right or wrong person.

With all of this said, realize there are moments in our pasts that we will regret, and have to deal with sometime. And when you are dealing with other peoples wills, sometimes we have to do all we can to make amends. Once we have done all we can, we need to turn it over to the Lord and let Him carry the burden. He knows how to mold us as individuals and he will help the other side understand... someday. And if He doesn't right away it is okay because He will.

With that said, I am learning we need to be sincere and kind to others. When we aren't feeling it, there is no problem with walking away. It is that simple. Don't give them the opportunity to say something they will later regret. If they follow you and taunt you remember you have a big brother on your side and really, if we are not needing His forgiveness at the moment, He can and will help us forgive the other person. That way our pack can be light weight rather than the heavy with the overbearing weight that comes from holding onto and embracing anger, hate, and animosity. He will replace those feelings with peace, love, comfort and at times even understanding.

Lesson Learned...Again.

We have all heard that our past can haunt us. It is true. Whether that past is intentional or unintentional, it will come up. In the case addressed in the title of this entry it is painful. I experienced pain several years ago and cried out in agony to anyone who would lend an ear. Sadly I realize this has happened more than once. Thus the Again part of the title.

There are consequences of every act we make...be it positive or negative. We can not choose when we will face those consequences. Why? Well for two reasons really. One, we are human. Two, the other side is also human. There are two sides to everything, the intended and the taking...

I am learning I can confide really only in Heavenly Father. He is the only being who honestly and wholly understands my heart. My words are inefficient for expressing those things in my heart. Words are as temporal as the feelings behind them. Not only that, but they may be intended one way and taken completely another way. Not because the individual on the other end is trying to ruin you, but because they take in according to the way they have already experienced or perceived. Really it goes both ways.

So I am beginning to understand why it is so important that we try to assume the best in others, forgive them their mistakes and not judge. More importantly we should not express feelings to others no matter how real, no matter how painful. Because tomorrow when we have moved on and forgotten those intense feelings, another that we have shared them with will feel them as new and will express them, reopenning wounds that were scabbed, possibly healed. Thus making it difficult for the offender or offended to move on. I feel like I am in an eternal hell at the moment. Really I can't do anything. My offence has been made and when an apology was made for that is all I really can do It goes on closed ears. I realize and understand what I have done.

Somethings are easier to turn over to the Lord than others. Even when they have been turned over The pain is real. I hate causing another's pain. Really I do.

In the Class Called Life

Have you ever felt like life presents you with the same lesson, only at different levels? It seems like when  you feel content, like you may have finally learned a lesson and should be able to move on...WAM!!! There is another degree to that lesson! Surprise! Why is it that I most indefinitely fail the first test?

Through out life I have been presented with this particular test over and over again. I think the Lord is trying to tell me something. Maybe that I am still imperfect. Maybe that even though life really is good, I need the storm clouds until I learn to dance and enjoy the rain rather than worry about the lightning. This past week has been  a slap in the face when it comes to being reminded of my imperfections.

With that said let me tell you a little lesson I am beginning to understand:

"I can not, in now way, and in no how please everyone."

With that understood I have come to realize there are unhappy people out there that are so unhappy they feel they need to pull anyone they can to their level. Trying to lift them in this state is useless. They love their pit of despair and would love you to join them. (It is a lonely pit after all.)

In the past I have been impressed with the thought that these individuals have others placed in their circle of influence who can lift them. No where in the book does it say I have to be that person. I don't have to be the person to grovel, nor do I have to feel bad if they reject me. I have people God has placed in my circle who understand I have weaknesses and love me despite those weaknesses. Not only that, but God knows and loves me despite my weaknesses, as he does those who have rejected my hand. Having God as a common lifter, builder and shape maker can and should be of comfort. Eventually I can be friends with these individuals if I am willing to be molded, and they are too. Eventually God will help us understand we are in this as a team rather than not. Until that time comes I must only work on pleasing Him, and giving Him my best. That, and giving Him my burdens before they feel to heavy too bear. 

As I learn to do this these lessons become less painful, and easier to bear. I do realize there are others I can please along the way. There are those with in my circle that can easily forgive and look past my short comings. They are not critical of me, nor do they look for everything I say and do as ammo for their disdain. Though I have felt alone at times, when I look up, God shows me the wonderful friends and family he has surrounded me with and I realize how blessed I truly am.

Another Lesson on the Atonement

The past couple of weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. No I am not pregnant or PMSing, though I would have preferred that for an excuse. Believe me.

As a parent I feel like I have done all that I can to protect my family from the storms that rage outside our home. It was made apparent to me that I was unsuccessful in one point. I experienced anger, rage, tears, feelings of inadequacy as a parent, I questioned if my life was worth living, because there is surely someone out there that would have done better than me.

While all of these emotions were fresh I was offered a blessing. In the blessing I was assured I was where the Lord would have me, and that He was aware of the situation. I was told that there would be divine justice, and then given other words of comfort.

When the blessing closed I did feel comforted, but still felt many intense feelings that I felt were mine to be felt. A couple of days later as I read my scriptures I was reading where Alma the younger was teaching his rebellious son(who later became an amazing missionary) about the plan of salvation. I was reading where the Lord has consequences assigned to our good and bad deeds, and they are irrevocable. In finishing this Alma told his son not to let that worry him, but rather his sins. He needed to let his sins bring him to humility and unto repentance.

While reading that chapter I realized that the Lord will bless my family. If I stay on coarse and continue to raise my children in that coarse. Where I lack, the Lord will take the slack.

Again today as I was reading about the Nephites being attacked by the Lamanites, and how Captain Moroni was able to protect the people by turning to the living prophet for counsel, I realized something more. The Lord has provided me with all of the tools to rise above the crap the world flings at me. If I utilize these tools not only will I be able to protect myself, but I will be more able to protect my family.

So what are the tools that I speak of? First personal prayer and scripture study. Second I am blessed to live in a day with living prophets upon the earth. If I listen to and study their words I will receive direction and inspiration for my family. Third we have been counseled to have family prayer, scripture study and family home evening. As I make time for these things and apply them it does not reassure that we won't be "attacked". However it will help us to be prepared and give us the strength to stand ground during strong storms.

Through all of this I have found more comfort. I have felt the love the Savior has for me and my family. And while I still have my inadequacies and battles to fight there is comfort in knowing that I have the Savior on my side. That He loves me and wants to help me. That He has felt the things I feel and is willing to help me not only carry my burdens, for they are not mine alone to bear, but He is willing to take them.
I am so thankful for the Savior and His sacrifice. I know that He lives. I am so thankful for the completeness of the Plan of Salvation. I know that I am blessed to live in this day and age. I am grateful to participate in the blessing that come with this. In Christ's name. Amen.

Quandries on Life

Lately I have been looking back on life and forward, and have had all these thoughts. So I thought I might share some of these thoughts with you. I will forewarn you this might be bland or a little dreary to some though It is what has been on my mind. Consider yourself forewarned.

Family dynamics is always interesting, everyone has them and every one's is different, yet we can all relate. There is enough common that we can almost always find common ground with someone else. I realize there are exceptions, there are always exceptions in life.

In the media we see so much abuse, so little respect for life, for others, it seems to always be about "me". Parents kill children because they are an inconvenience, spouses beat the other as a power trip. Parents beat children because they forget what it is like to be little, or don't want to be reminded. Sometimes there is just severe neglect, maybe a parent feels they don't have time for a child, because that child needs designer clothes. Or family is neglected because there is excitement to be found else were.

People are always effected by others choices. My children are effected by how I choose to spend my time, heck, I am effected by how I spend my time.

Looking about me I see people who are almost enslaved for whatever reason. When I look at these people it is easy for me to lose hope and faith. It is weird to me that some of these individuals that are suffering, or who have had their time on earth cut short due to the choice of another, that they may have to deal with that for a whole life time. Won't God save them? Doesn't He want better for them?

I was thinking about this this morning an I had a thought I would like to share. I would be happy if you share your own thoughts as well.

For me it is comforting to know that God's plan is so complete that He has already taken these individuals into consideration. Children who die early due to the abuse, or neglect of their parents whom they fully rely on are saved through the atonement of Christ. Those who are older and experience abuse or neglect of a spouse or someone they have trusted have also the ability to find comfort through the atonement. The atonement can not be miss used. It is to help us heal, forgive, and be forgiven. When correctly applied we can find peace and live our lives knowing there is an end to the ugliness the world seems to deem as normal.

As of yet I do not have all of the answers. I believe there are those out there who are going to be greatly surprised when they are called forth to meet their maker. However I believe also there are many who are going to find great relief and comfort when they meet their maker.

Often I have to remind myself that Heavenly Father has tailored our lives to us as individuals. The only thing he asks of us is obedience. There are days that may be harder than others. But if we turn to Him and His Son, He will help us through those hard times. He will place in our paths others who can help lift us.

It is so important to remember that faith with out works is dead. Why? Because we are His hands! If we aren't doing our part when we are able, then we are not demonstrating Faith in His plan for us. He does not expect us to move mountains. He does expect our best. Where we are lacking is where the Savior comes in and can lift us.

This may be a jumble, but it is what has been on my mind as of late. I am so thankful for the completeness of the Lord's Plan for us!

My 4 year old Teaches me Humility

Have you heard the rumour that children are here to keep us humble? It is true! Just this week I have been given two very good examples alone to prove it. Let me share.

The first one took place the other day while my daughter was working on a project. As I watched her I told her when I was a kid I had done the same thing. Her eyes grew big and with the honestly of a child and may I add, sounding a little too surprised she asked: "And you can remember that mom?"

With the second one I will prep it with this. As you know, I had a baby last month. With the birth and after I have shed 30 lbs. I will admit I have been feeling pretty darn good about that. Many of my friends have commented on how great I am looking. With that, today my two year old and four year old were heading out to our back patio for a few moments of basking in the beautiful weather we had received. My little man opened the door just enough for himself to slide through. Thinking it would be nice that my daughter and I wouldn't have to skimmy through I opened the sliding door a ways more. Also wanting to avoid bumping the baby's head was in my thoughts. Upon exiting, my daughter with importance in her tone explains to my little man "Mom had to open the door wider because her butt has gotten a lot bigger after having three kids."

*SIGH* I guess I could use to loose a few more pounds. As for the age thing, I guess it is good that I don't have altimers as of yet (grin).

While on the phone with my mother this afternoon sharing these stories, my mother said "It looks like she took notes from your childhood." Thanks mom. It is nice to know my daughter is taking after me in some form.