Quandries

My mind has been all over the place the past couple of days. I have done and said things in the past I have no way of taking back. Some of it I wouldn't. Not out of pride, rather because of belief. Then there are other things I have said I wish I had never spoke.

Many times I find myself on the out side looking in. In most realities being in the in wouldn't bring me any  sense of happiness. So why is it I stand at the window looking in? I have so many things to be grateful for. I know it is cliche, but I am married to my best friend. My children being sun on cloudy days. My step children amaze me. I love more than anything when some or all of us are able to get together. Sure it gets a bit chaotic, but dang everyone is mostly happy and they all love one another.

I look back in the past and sometimes wish some things had not changed. But some of those things did not bring any sort of pleasantries, so I am not sure why I feel like I long for it the way I do at times. It is odd.

There are times I feel an urge, a desire for moments, friendships, the past. I yearn for something that was... is out of reach, yet it isn't my deepest desire. I look at where God has brought me and wonder where he intends to take me. I wonder what some of the lessons were to be learned? Were they mine? Or were they the lessons of another? And if so the other, is there something I should try to take from it?

Sometimes I feel so small and yet so big. In the whole picture I wonder what differences I have made and am I doing all I can. It's overwhelming to think I have more potential than I use. How do I make the most of the gifts I have been given?